In preparation for November’s “Skyfall”, I’ll be counting down all the Bond movies from my least favorite to favorite. Twenty-two movies in all, so let’s get going! Warning: Spoilers below!

Number on Countdown: 14

Title: You Only Live Twice

Year: 1967

Synopsis:

Jupiter 16, a United States-ian space shuttle, sits around up in space with astronauts aboard talking some technobabble to NASA. Their conversation subject changes to an unidentified flying object coming toward them. The astronaut named Chris is very astounded to see it’s another space craft, and one who’s tip opens up like the mouth of a giant alligator. The mysterious ship envelops the American one. The Americans to think it was the Russians. At some international meeting, a British guy says that the shuttle went back down into the sea of Japan, and perhaps that is where they should focus their intelligence instead of just pointing fingers. He explains he already has a guy working on it right now: James Bond, who, after having some love-time with a lady, gets gunned down in the bed.

Bond’s funeral is carried out on a British ship (or something), and after the ceremony, they chuck his body into the sea. His coffin is soon recovered by scuba divers, who bring it back to a submarine. Aboard the sub, Bond exits his coffin and asks permission to come aboard. In a nautical version of M’s office,Bond discusses some stuff with his boss. M also thinks that the staging of Bond’s death will make his enemies more willing to try shit. He also tells Bond that the American space shuttle did not land in Russia, but rather Japan. Since the Japanese are not yet equipped to launch a shuttle at this time, it’s up to Bond to find out what’s up. He’s told to go to Tokyo and meet with a guy named Henderson. Upon leaving, Moneypenny flirts with him but Bond deflects (once again).

Bond arrives in Tokyo and is soon spotted by some girl on the street, who whispers into her equipped-with-audio-equipment purse. Bond is enjoying a sumo wrestling match when a mysterious girl sits down next to him. Bond gives her the MI6 password and she says she’ll take him to Henderson. After some doubts, the girl takes him to see Henderson, an old gray-haired dude with a rubbery face.

Henderson has lived in Japan for twenty-eight years, and tells Bond that his best contact will be Tanaka, head of the Japanese Secret Service. He tells Bond that he thinks the spacecraft is here in Japan, but neither Russia or Japan are responsible. Before he tells Bond anymore of his ideas, he is knifed in the back. Bond chases after the assailant and kills him, spotting his crime-buddy in a getaway car. Bond takes the dead man’s coat and hat and climbs into the back of the car. The car drives to Osato Chemical and Engineering Company. While appearing knocked out, Bond is carried upstairs, where Bond’s identity is soon revealed and they fight. After some violent interior re-decorating, Bond takes a shot of vodka then finds a safe. He sets off the alarm by stealing some documents and a picture inside, but runs for it. Outside the building, the girl from the sumo wrestling match pulls up in a car and tells him to get in.

Bond wants some info from her, but she won’t give it, and upon parking, she books it. Bond chases after her, eventually falling down a trap door, sliding down a big slide and landing quite comically into a chair. A chair in Tanaka’s office, that is. Tanaka introduces himself and Bond shares with him the Osato documents. On the documents, they find big orders for Lox, which is either a bunch of smoked salmon or Liquid Oxygen, which makes rocket fuel. Bond learns the girl’s name is Aki before investigating the picture, which depicts a ship known as the Ning-Po, a small boat of divers, and a distinct coastline. The two then head to Tanaka’s place and during a bath, bring up that Osato is just a front and that SPECTRE could be an organization behind the entire thing. Aki comes around later. Bond and her mess around.

The next morning, Bond (as Mr. Fisher) meets with Mr. Osato, head of the Osato place. Mr. Osato and his red-head secretary and Ms. Brandt arrive soon via helicopter. Bond confidently poses as a head of some chemical company, but Osato x-rays him during the chat and sees he’s carrying guns. Osato orders Mr. Fisher killed as Bond exits. Before baddies can deliver the shot, Aki comes in saves him again. The gunmen chase after them in their car, but Aki calls Tanaka for “the usual reception, please.” Just when the baddies are closing in, a helicopter flies above them and attaches a giant magnet to their roof. The helicopter then flies over the sea, car in tow, and drops them into the water. Bond then tells Tanaka to contact M and bring “Little Nellie” and her father.

Bond and Aki find the Ning-Po at some dock and while doing some investigating, find some liquid oxygen. They are soon attacked, and Bond lets Aki slip away while he takes on some jerks. Although he gets away, he is whapped in the head and taken to SPECTRE Number 11 (Ms. Brandt).  Aboard the Ning-Po, Brandt questions him and threatens to skin him alive. Bond reveals to her that he is a spy, and will split some money with her if she can get him back to Tokyo. Promising her safeguard in Europe, she agrees and kisses him. Then they get it on.

Bond and Brandt fly back to Tokyo, but mid flight, she traps him in the plane and dives off with a parachute. Bond escapes his confines and crash-lands the plane, running out before it blows the hell up. Seemingly unshaken, Bond meets Tanaka and Aki for lunch. Tanaka has identified the coastline in the photo as one belonging to a small island called Matsu. Although his people shadowed the Ning-Po during the night, they were not sure if it stopped at the island (it was, like, really dark). Two photos of the ship, however, one taken the night before and one the next morning, show that the ship lost a lot of cargo during the night. It had to have dropped it off somewhere! Bond meets with Little Nellie, a little autogyro, and her “father”, Q. Q has no time for 007’s quips and explains all of Little Nellie’s weapons before Bond takes it flying above Matsu. He sees nothing but volcanoes, and a squad of villainous helicopters. He dispatches them with fire, gun, and missile.

Meanwhile, Russia launches a shuttle into space. It is quickly intercepted by the same mysterious ship  that swallowed the American one, which soon flies down to Earth and nears one of the volcanoes on Matsu. One of the volcanoes’ water pit is actually fake, and is instead a retractable roof, which opens up, revealing inside a massive base and crew teams running around. Brandt and Osato are there, as well is a man petting his white cat, which we all know is SPECTRE number 1: Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Blofeld is displeased to find that Osato and Brandt let James Bond escape, even though it was in all the papers that he was dead. Osato is let go, but Brandt is fed to Blofeld’s ill-tempered piranha fish.

Bond meets Tanaka at his ninja-training school, where tons of youthful gents the art of concealment and badassery. Tanaka’s plan is to have one hundred of his ninjas sneak onto the island unseen and for Bond himself to become Japanese and train as a ninja. He also suggests Bond to take a wife. He wants Aki, but Tanaka explains that’s impossible, and that he must marry some other lady. After becoming Japanese (having his chest waxed, getting a wig, etc), Bond settles down for some z’s with Aki. A ninja sneaks in and while tries to poison Bond. Aki is poisoned by mistake and the ninjas starts his exit. Aki’s coughing stirs Bond awake, and although he kills the ninja, she cannot be saved. The next day, Bond takes his Japanese wife, Tanaka’s agent Kissy Suzuki, and afterwards, they all sail to Matsu.

Tanaka informs Bond that the Americans are launching another shuttle tonight at midnight (Japanese time) and that if it is incepted, they will start war with Russia. This sens Bond and co. to go into overdrive. Kissy and him go to investigate a sketchy cave, which leads them to start investigating a nearby volcano. While stopping to rest (and kiss), the two witness a helicopter heading toward the volcano and heading down inside. With furrowed brows, the two investigate and find out the volcano’s water is of metal. Bond sends Kissy back to get Tanaka and his buddies while he stays behind and checks things out.

Bond suction-cup-climbs his way down into the base and finds the captive American astronauts as Blofeld prepares SPECTRE’s intercepting-shuttle for space. Bond poses as one of the SPECTRE astronauts and almost boards, but hears “Stop that astronaut!” over the PA before he can get on. Blofeld instructs to send the reserve astronaut as Bond is brought before him. In his control room, Blofeld explains that he made a crucial error, that no astronaut would enter a shuttle with his air conditioner (whatever that means). The countdown begins as the SPECTRE shuttle goes into space to incite some war.

Although SPECTRE’s shuttle is bound for space, that doesn’t stop Tanaka and his ninjas from raiding the base. With the help of Bond’s opening of the crater-hatch, Tanaka’s ninjas rope themselves down and cause chaos. Gunfire and explosions fill the lair. More ninjas drop down as the shuttle-interception time reaches eight minutes. Blofeld leads Bond and Mr. Osato away from the fray, shooting Mr. Osato for failing him. Blofeld tries to shoot Bond, but Tanaka throws a ninja star at his hand and the shot goes wide. Blofeld escapes and Bond joins the gunfight.

Bond makes his way to the control room to stop the SPECTRE shuttle from intercepting the American one. At the last second, Bond destroys the SPECTRE shuttle. Yay! Somewhere in the base, Blofeld activates the self-destruct. Bond, Tanaka, and Kissy, and a bunch of ninjas escape from the inferno, swimming to some rafts laid out to them by some allies. Thinking no one will ever find them, Bond starts making out with Kissy. Turns out their raft was right under M’s submarine. M tells Moneypenny to have him come down to report. “It will be a pleasure, sir.” she says.

Things I like:

For the first time in this countdown, there are actually more things I like about the movie than dislike, which is, quite honestly, a nice change. I’ve gone over the hump and am now in the land of Bond-enjoyablility. Awesome. So what do I like about Bond’s fifth entry, You Only Live Twice?

First off, I have to say I love Blofeld’s awesome hollowed-out volcano lair. Nowadays, this might all be done with CGI, but they actually built this thing! It stood 184 feet tall and featured a fully-functioning helipad monorail. So fucking awesome. Not only do I love the entire set, but the entire climax the takes place there. Gunfights, carts running along tracks, ninjas dropping in from the ceiling… it’s fantastic. My favorite Bond climaxes have always been those that end in huge gunfights. Whether it’s Brosnan going Rambo in Tomorrow Never Dies or the massive gunfight in The Spy Who Loved Me, those climaxes are sure to thrill, and You Only Live Twice does not disappoint. And Blofeld’s cat’s freakout to a squib going off is absolutely hilarious. Look at its face!

Usually in a Bond movie, Bond is whisked off to multiple locations around the globe. While taking down a baddie, he might head to Madagascar, then Montenegro, and then Venice. Or from Russia to Cuba. Or to some place and Instanbul and some other place. This time, however, Bond stays put in Japan. While the idea of Bond sticking around in one place and not trotting the globe might sound boring, it’s actually pretty nice. I feel like we get a bit deeper into the culture of where we are visiting. Usually, Bond is just “shooting in and out” of places, hardly sticking around long enough to share any real cultural experiences. This time we get a quasi-cultural profile of Japan (y’know, in a Disney “it’s a small world” kind of way) Even though it’s a little embarrassing by today’s standards of what’s acceptable stereotyping, it’s still fun to see Tokyo, some baths, ninjas, and a wedding ceremony. In no other Bond movie do we delve into a location or its unique customs so much. As I said, it’s a little 1960’s in approach, but I enjoy the extra depth.

Things I didn’t like:

There isn’t too much I dislike about You Only Live Twice, with only one real gripe coming to mind. Up until Aki’s death, Aki was the leading Bond girl and his lady during the mission. She had already saved him twice and led him directly to Tanaka. He even sacrificed himself so she could get away. Even when Bond has to choose a Japanese wife, he wants Aki. We get that Bond legitimately likes Aki, and that she’ll be by his side for the duration of the movie. Unfortunately, she catches whiff of some ninja-poison and dies. Bond then “marries” one of Tanaka’s agents, Kissy Suzuki, with whom he teams up and eventually kisses a whole bunch of times.

I don’t know about you, but I always felt Bond’s forgetting of Aki to be a little quick. I mean, I know he is Bond, and tough, and has little room to be sad about shit, but come on, she just died like five minutes ago! Sure, it might follow with Bond’s character, but what about the audience? Am I just supposed to accept this new Bond girl who came out of nowhere halfway through the movie? I mean, there was excellent build between Bond and Aki, which all just ends rather abruptly. I don’t think Aki is ever even menitoned in the movie after this. Did they lose the actress or something? Why does no one care about her? Oh well, whatever.

The Song:

“You Only Live Twice”, composed by John Barry and sung by Nancy Sinatra, is, I think, one of the prettiest and nicest Bond themes. The classic John Barry strings, the musical, oriental flowerings, and Nancy Sinatra’s voice come together so nicely. It’s an absolute delight to hear it during the film’s score as well. It’s sweeping and romantic, just what a storming by ninjas needs.

Not only do I like the music, but the lyrics as well, especially the first lines: “You only live twice, or so it seems, one life for yourself, and one for your dreams”. I completely agree with this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not stupid, I know that we only live once (Bill Nye told me), but we all do kind of live a second life for our dreams, don’t we? In real life, I’m just a dime-a-dozen aspiring writer/director/musician/anything in the Los Angeles area, but in my dreams, I’m a lot more. In our dreams, we’re always that person we want to be, and I think that every time we day-dream or have a hope, we’re living for our dreams. So hey, maybe we really do live twice. Once in the world and once in the world created in our heads. I really like that idea. Just don’t go living too much in your dreams now.

Favorite Scene:

Although I don’t like the Little Nellie all that much, the scene in which Bond uses it to dispatch some enemy helicopters is pretty damn awesome. I don’t know if it’s what Bond actually does during the scene that makes it cool, or the fact that the entire sequence is underscored by a chopped-up-and-re-arranged James Bond theme. Good action scenes are cool, but the James Bond them is just that extra ingredient that makes them great. We love Bond for his gadgets, know-how, and swagger, and we love seeing our hero do what he does best set to the Monty Norman/added John Barry orchestration masterpiece. It really is a great scene. And to think, no CGI at all! If you’ve got three minutes, check it out:

Favorite Line:

This time, my favorite line is actually the title of the film. After Blofeld sees Bond in his control room, he asks Bond if he is back from the dead. Bond replies “This is my second life”, to which Blofeld says “You only live twice, Mr. Bond.” Great delivery of the line, too.

Extra Tidbit:

In the beginning of the film, Bond is schmoozing with some girl played by actress Tsai Chin. Tsai Chin would appear in Casino Royale 39 years later as a poker player. Crazy!

Find out which Bond movie comes next in the countdown by clicking HERE!