Tag: skyfall

James Bond Countdown: #13: Dr. No

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In preparation for November’s “Skyfall”, I’ll be counting down all the Bond movies from my least favorite to favorite. Twenty-two movies in all, so let’s get going! Warning: Spoilers below!

Number on countdown: 13

Title: Dr. No

Year: 1962

Synopsis:

Three blind men walk through a coastal town, sunglasses on and sticks waving. They make it to the Queens Club, where some dude named Strangways is playing cards. He tells his buddies he has to go check his calls, and passes the blind men as he approaches his car. He gives them some coins. They thank him by peppering him with bullets. Strangways’ body is then loaded into a hearse which speeds off. At Strangways’ place, his secretary calls London with a secret radio behind a bookshelf. She is promptly gunned down. The murderous men remove her body and then look through the file cabinet, pulling out the one labeled “Doctor No”.

In London, military radio dudes report that W6N, Kingston Jamiaca, broke contact just after they came up on routine transmission. The men quickly notify MI6. At the fancy-ass club Le Cercle, a man in a suit comes looking for James Bond. The receptionist won’t let him in because he’s not a member, but notifies the Bacarat-playing Bond, that there is someone there to see him. Bond lamentably leaves the table, and the very attractive Ms. Trench he’s playing with, but she follows, and they flirt a bit until Bond schedules a golf meet-up and dinner for tomorrow afternoon.

Bond returns to MI6 and greets Moneypenny, M’s secretary, with whom he playfully flirts. In his meeting with M, Bond learns that in addition to Strangways going off the air, he, and his secretary, have completely vanished. M explains that he was investigating an inquiry by the United States about interference with their Cape Canaveral rockets and that a CIA gentleman named Leiter was sent down there. Before he can set off to find out what’s happening, Bond is then given his new gun, the Walther PPK, and leaves the office. Bond returns to his flat and senses something amiss. Gun drawn, he opens a door, only to find Ms. Trench, dressed scantily in one of his shirts, playing golf on his carpet. Sadly, he’s going to have to miss their date, but they have just enough time to mess around.

Bond arrives in Jamaica the next morning. While walking through the airport, a foxy lady tries to take a photo of him, but he puts his hat in front of his face. A moment later, he is greeted by Mr. Jones, who Universal Exports sent to pick him up. Bond phones “Universal Exports”, asks if they have sent a car for him, and learns they had not. Bond, most skeptical of this pick-up, goes along anyway and tells the driver to just “take him for a ride”. Someone in sunglasses follows the them, so Bond encourages he take the next turn off on the right. He does, and here, Bond pulls out his Walther and asks who he is working for. After a bit of roughing up, Mr. Jones agrees to talk, but not before dying from a bite of his cyanide-cigarette.

Later, Bond meets with some old guy and discuss the Mr. Jones, who, although not idenfied, is not a Kingston man. Bond wants to meet with the last people who saw Strangways, the old fellas at the Queens Club, and plans to meet them socially there that evening. Bond investigates Stragways’ place and finds a photo of Strangways with a man. Some guy indicates the man is a friend of Strangways. Bond indicates this is the man who drove the car that tailed him.

A golden girl has lost her glasses

At the Queen’s Club, Strangways’ buddies talk about him (and his foxy secretary, who Professor Dent says was “nice”). From his friends, he learns that Strangways was fishing about every day, an expensive venture since Quarrel, a Cayman Islander with a boat down in the harbor, charges so darn much to go out on the water. Bond goes to meet Quarrel but is confronted by sarcasm and wise-ass-ness when trying to get leads on Strangways. Bond follows the stand-offish Quarrel to a cantina, where he agrees they can talk in private. After some knife and gun drawings, Bond has Quarrel against the wall. The man with sunglasses arrives with gun in hand, but reveals himself to be Felix Leiter of the CIA, with whom Quarrel is working.

That evening, the three men sit in the cantina. Felix explains that Cape Canaveral is going apeshit because with their current rocket schedule, they don’t want anything to go wrong. Bond says that Strangways didn’t think the interference was coming from Kingston. Quarrel says that Strangways and him checked out all the areas and islands and found nothing, except for one, called Crab Key. Before Felix can explain why it’s dangerous to go there, the foxy lady from the airport snaps a picture of all of them. They apprehend her, but after refusing to talk, let her go (but not before exposing the film). The three get back to talking about Crab Key, which belongs to a Chinese fella named Doctor No who doesn’t allow anyone to land there. Quarrel says Stragnways and him went to go collect samples of rock, sand, and water and took them to Professor Dent.

The next day, Bond goes to see Dent at his office. There, Bond questions him about some rocks Strangways left for him for “examination.” Dent says that there was nothing special about the rocks, and thus, he had thrown them away. Dent tells Bond he doesn’t know the origin of the samples, and that it’s geologically impossible that they came from Crab Key. After Bond;s visit, Dent rushes off to Crab Key, where he is instructed by the PA-system voice of Doctor No to kill Bond and not fail me again. Dent leaves with a big-ass spider and plans to kill Bond that evening.

That night, Bond is side-tracked from trying to sleep by a massive tarantula crawling on his body. Not one to flinch at such things, Bond waits until it crawls onto his pillow, then kills the fucker with his shoe. The next morning, Bond visits the Kingston MI6 guy and asks for the folder on Doctor No. Ms. Taro, his assistant, tells them the Doctor No folder is completely gone. Before Bond leaves, he pays Ms. Taro a visit, catching her listening through keyhole. Through some flirts, he makes a date for her to show him around the island. A little later, Bond fucks with a Geiger counter at Quarrel’s boat. Here they learn that Stragnways’ samples were radioactive, even though Dent had told Bond it was useless iron ore. (Hmm…) Bond tells Quarrel he wants to get to Crab Key, but Quarrel says he’s a little frightened because there’s a dragon there. Bond is like “srsly?”, and after some talkin’, Quarrel agrees to take Bond there at seven in the evening.

Bond is chased by a giant projector screen

On his way to Mrs. Taro’s, Bond is tailed by a sinister hearse, which ends in the hearse flying off a cliff and then blowing the hell up. He arrives at 2171 Magenta Drive and Ms. Taro is surprised to see him (alive). After kissing a couple times, Ms. Taro takes a call in her bedroom, a call dealing with how and Bond is still alive. Bond comes in the room, causing the call to end in a friendly lie, and the two mess around. Afterwards, Bond calls for a taxi to drive them into town. The taxi arrives and Ms. Taro gets in, only to see one of Bond’s allies in the car. The taxi takes off. With the dubious Ms. Taro gone, Bond enters the house and sets up the bed with pillows to make it look like he’s sleeping there (like Ferris Bueller) and silently waits.He doesn’t have to wait long until someone shoots six shots into the pillows. It’s Professor Dent, who, after some words, Bond shoots.

Bond, Quarrel, and Felix make it out to Crab Key, but only Bond and Quarrel reach the shore stash their dinghy in a hidden place. After that, Bond naps, but is soon woken up by lady singing. The curious Bond goes to check out who’s singing, only to find a hot blonde in a white bikini picking shells whose name is Honey Rider. She explains that she always sails up on here to get shells, and even though the baddies tried to catch her before, they couldn’t. Quarrel arrives and tells them a high-power boat is coming their way, so they all jump for cover in the palm trees.

The boat comes around, and after our heroes fail to surrender, the boat opens fire. After an unsuccessful round of ammo, the boat takes off, promising they’ll be back with their dogs. As the boat zooms away, Honey reinforces that there is a dragon on the island, which leads Bond to roll his eyes. Upon finding Honey’s boat damaged, the three travel through a mosquito-infested pond in hopes of hiding. While Quarrel keeps watch for the dragon, Bond and Honey talk, and Bond learns that she thinks Dr. No killed her father, a marine biologist who went to Crab Key to check shit out and never returned. Honey tried to get help from her landlord in Kingston, but instead of helping her, helped himself. Afterwards, she scratched his face and let her black widow spider do the job of killing him. Before Bond can answer if he has his own woman, Quarrel comes and says the dragon is a’comin. Bond finally sees the dragon, which turns out to be nothing but a painted tank with some flamethrowers on it. In the ensuing fight, Quarrel, who thought it a good idea to hide behind a damn bush, gets burnt to shit. A man then pops out of the dragon and advises Honey and Bond that, unless they “want another navel”, they should come with them.

Bond and Honey are brought to a lab where everyone is wearing hazmat suits and find out they are contaminated with radiation. After taking a shower to get all that radioactive crap off, they are welcomed into a big structure, offered cigarettes, and shown to their rooms. After drinking some drugged coffee and taking a nap, the two are invited to dinner. Judging from the plant life and artificial light through the aquarium-window, the room could be up to 200 feet below the sea level. Before they can chat more, Dr. No himself introduces himself.

“I am Dr. No Hands…I mean, Doctor No.”

Dr. No apologizes for not shaking hands, since he has nothing but black, metal, claw hands. Over dinner, Dr. No explains that he was an unwanted child of a German missionary and a Chinese woman, but through hard work, became a bigwig in the Chinese crime syndicates. He stole ten million dollars in gold and used it to create his Crab Key headquarters. Bond also learns that Dr. No is a part of SPECTRE, a massive criminal group led by the brightest (criminal) minds in the world. Dr. No regrets that he let Bond live, thinking that he might want to join SPECTRE, and seeing that he doesn’t, tells his men to “soften him up.”

Bond finds himself in a jail cell but quickly escapes through the vents, eventually making it to the decontamination room, where he hijacks a hazmat suit and starts walkin’ around. He enters in the main control room, where Dr. No and his fuckers are planning to disrupt an imminent space shuttle launch. Hazmat Bond is ordered to turn up the reactor to 25 during the countdown, but he turns it up way more and fights off anyone who tries to stop him. The base starts going apeshit and everyone abandons the area. Dr. No attacks Bond right above a radioactive pool. Dr. No eventually falls down, and grabs the scaffolding to save himself. His metal hands slide against the metal, however, and he falls in. With Dr. No dead, Bond tracks down Honey and finds her, both of them escaping the base before it explodes.

Felix Leiter soon finds them in their little boat and offers them a tow back to land. Bond agrees, but once him and Honey start making out, he lets the tow go, leaving Bond and Honey with nothing but their boat and the motion of the ocean.

Things I like:

I’ve explained before in this countdown that I usually like the biggie, more grandiose, semi-ridiculous Bonds the best. While the Bond series would range to super-ridiculous to super-serious, Dr. No can be appreciated for just how damn simple it is. Watching it for the first time after seeing all the other Bond movies, it was like watching a video of a singer before they were famous. Y’know, those videos online of Lady Gaga, sans make-up and costumes, simply playing piano in a nightclub somewhere. Before all the frills and gadgets, the women and the extravagant bases, and before any even knew what a Bond movie should be, we had this simple mystery movie. And despite there nothing exaggerated, one can see all the elements that would come along later to define Bond: the Bond girl, the Bond theme, the secret lairs, and the calm, master-mind super-villains. Dr. No is great fun to watch in both in terms of entertainment, but also in terms of context. It’s a movie that had no idea it would spawn twenty-one more. If you told Connery and crew when they were making the movie in 1962, that they’d be making the twenty-third Bond movie in fifty years, they’d call you fucking crazy. And that’s what so fun about Dr. No. They had no idea what they were starting.

Awesome.

I really have to commend the screenwriters here for an excellent script. Bond’s signature is the double entendre and the subtle wit, but it’s on display here in almost every conversation. Bond’s conversations with Ms. Trench are Ms. Taro are laden with sexual tension . Bond’s first meeting with Quarrel is full of witty remarks. Dr. No and Bond’s dinner is like a verbal fencing match. It’s all absolutely superb. And in commending the script, one must commend the actors for bringing it to life in such a convincing way.

Dr. No is great in context with other Bond movies, but also in everything else. The deaths are ridiculously tame. In the swamp, Bond creeps up on a guard who has a gun at the ready. Bond sneaks up behind him, putting his hand over the guards mouth, and the guard dies. Hilarious. Very different from the Rambo-esque takedowns of Brosnan and the strained stranglings of Craig. In addition to tame deaths, there is a scene in which Honey Rider explains why she can’t abandon her shells. She tells Bond that the one she is holding would be worth fifty dollars in Miami. Fifty dollars? Fifty dollars doesn’t get you shit nowadays. Her shell in Miami would now cost $366.72, just enough to buy two James Bond 50th anniversary Blu Ray releases. (With the remaining money, she could buy these albums).

Honey’s retirement

And lastly, I really like this shot below. I know it looks kind of lame just as a picture, but with Bond being tailed, and the wind blowing his hat around, it’s a pretty badass shot. Maybe I’ll steal it someday if I ever get around to making a movie.

Things I didn’t like:

In being the first Bond film, I can forgive it not having some of those classic Bond elements. I guess my biggest complaint would have to be this stupid dragon everyone is talking about. At first I thought it kind of cool that there was a superstition about Crab Key, some fire-breathing dragon, roaming the jungles, setting fire to those who trespass. But when Quarrel finds what are obviously tire tracks, him and Honey believe they’re dragon tracks. Are they fucking stupid? Bond tells them that they didn’t see a dragon, but something that looked like one. And sure, maybe it REALLY did look like a dragon to them. And hey, maybe it might look like a dragon to us, too. But it looks like this:

I mean, maybe if it looked like Robosaurus, I could understand, but…I mean, look at it. Like, are you fucking serious? In addition to looking like that, it makes engine noises. I’m no expert on dragons, but I’m pretty sure they don’t sound like cars. And what’s dumb about this is that it makes both Quarrel and Honey look fucking stupid. Up until then, Honey had wielded her knife and told Bond she killed a man. Quarrel was a toughie who was working with the CIA. But now they’re just dumbasses who thought that was a real dragon. And if Quarrel wasn’t stupid enough now, he decides to shoot at it from behind a bush. Either Quarrel forgot that fire can BURN THROUGH BUSHES, or he’s the stupidest person in the Caribbean. Oh well, the movie is fifty years old, so whatever.

The Song:

Since the idea of the “Bond song” didn’t yet exist, Dr. No simply uses the James Bond theme we all know and love. There’s not much to say about it except that it rocks, and has continued to rock for fifty years and twenty-two movies. The Bond character and the song are so linked, that we can’t imagine Bond without it. Never Say Never Again, the unofficial Bond movie from 1983, wasn’t allowed to use it. As one person said “You’re watching a movie where the main character is James Bond, but it’s not a Bond movie without the song”, or something like that. Thank you Monty Norman for taking your song, originally written for some dumb play, and turning it into one of the best themes in movie history.

Favorite Scene:

I hope you like Quiche, Mr. Bond

While the scene where Honey Rider in her white bikini is definitely the most iconic scene from the film, my favorite has to be the the dinner scene between Bond, Honey, and Dr. No. After an hour and a half of hearing about Dr. No and his dealings, we finally get to meet him and his subtle, criminal genius. The writing here is excellent, with nearly everything said being a jab in disguise or a means to provoke. For example, when Dr. No enters the dinner chambers, he mentions his aquarium and how he designed it, making the glass convex and ten inches thick to create a magnifying effect. Bond then says “Minnows pretending to be whales. Just like you on this island,” to which Dr. No replies “It depends, Mr. Bond, on what side of the glass you are.” A couple minutes later, Bond asks quite blunt “Does the toppling of American missiles really compensate for having no hands?” Great, great stuff.

Favorite Line:

Even though the aforementioned dinner scene is my favorite scene, my favorite line comes from the famous Honey Rider intro. Upon meeting him, she asks “What are you doing here? Looking for shells?” to which he replies, “No, I’m just looking”. Genius.

Extra Tidbit:

Bond, played for the first time ever by Sean Connery, keeps telling his dumbass allies there is no such thing as dragons. He would later voice a dragon thirty-two years later in the 1995 movie Dragonheart.

Sean Connery swimming

Next one in the countdown coming…sometime!

James Bond Countdown: #14: You Only Live Twice

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In preparation for November’s “Skyfall”, I’ll be counting down all the Bond movies from my least favorite to favorite. Twenty-two movies in all, so let’s get going! Warning: Spoilers below!

Number on Countdown: 14

Title: You Only Live Twice

Year: 1967

Synopsis:

Jupiter 16, a United States-ian space shuttle, sits around up in space with astronauts aboard talking some technobabble to NASA. Their conversation subject changes to an unidentified flying object coming toward them. The astronaut named Chris is very astounded to see it’s another space craft, and one who’s tip opens up like the mouth of a giant alligator. The mysterious ship envelops the American one. The Americans to think it was the Russians. At some international meeting, a British guy says that the shuttle went back down into the sea of Japan, and perhaps that is where they should focus their intelligence instead of just pointing fingers. He explains he already has a guy working on it right now: James Bond, who, after having some love-time with a lady, gets gunned down in the bed.

Bond’s funeral is carried out on a British ship (or something), and after the ceremony, they chuck his body into the sea. His coffin is soon recovered by scuba divers, who bring it back to a submarine. Aboard the sub, Bond exits his coffin and asks permission to come aboard. In a nautical version of M’s office,Bond discusses some stuff with his boss. M also thinks that the staging of Bond’s death will make his enemies more willing to try shit. He also tells Bond that the American space shuttle did not land in Russia, but rather Japan. Since the Japanese are not yet equipped to launch a shuttle at this time, it’s up to Bond to find out what’s up. He’s told to go to Tokyo and meet with a guy named Henderson. Upon leaving, Moneypenny flirts with him but Bond deflects (once again).

Bond arrives in Tokyo and is soon spotted by some girl on the street, who whispers into her equipped-with-audio-equipment purse. Bond is enjoying a sumo wrestling match when a mysterious girl sits down next to him. Bond gives her the MI6 password and she says she’ll take him to Henderson. After some doubts, the girl takes him to see Henderson, an old gray-haired dude with a rubbery face.

Gets laid all the time

Henderson has lived in Japan for twenty-eight years, and tells Bond that his best contact will be Tanaka, head of the Japanese Secret Service. He tells Bond that he thinks the spacecraft is here in Japan, but neither Russia or Japan are responsible. Before he tells Bond anymore of his ideas, he is knifed in the back. Bond chases after the assailant and kills him, spotting his crime-buddy in a getaway car. Bond takes the dead man’s coat and hat and climbs into the back of the car. The car drives to Osato Chemical and Engineering Company. While appearing knocked out, Bond is carried upstairs, where Bond’s identity is soon revealed and they fight. After some violent interior re-decorating, Bond takes a shot of vodka then finds a safe. He sets off the alarm by stealing some documents and a picture inside, but runs for it. Outside the building, the girl from the sumo wrestling match pulls up in a car and tells him to get in.

Bond wants some info from her, but she won’t give it, and upon parking, she books it. Bond chases after her, eventually falling down a trap door, sliding down a big slide and landing quite comically into a chair. A chair in Tanaka’s office, that is. Tanaka introduces himself and Bond shares with him the Osato documents. On the documents, they find big orders for Lox, which is either a bunch of smoked salmon or Liquid Oxygen, which makes rocket fuel. Bond learns the girl’s name is Aki before investigating the picture, which depicts a ship known as the Ning-Po, a small boat of divers, and a distinct coastline. The two then head to Tanaka’s place and during a bath, bring up that Osato is just a front and that SPECTRE could be an organization behind the entire thing. Aki comes around later. Bond and her mess around.

The next morning, Bond (as Mr. Fisher) meets with Mr. Osato, head of the Osato place. Mr. Osato and his red-head secretary and Ms. Brandt arrive soon via helicopter. Bond confidently poses as a head of some chemical company, but Osato x-rays him during the chat and sees he’s carrying guns. Osato orders Mr. Fisher killed as Bond exits. Before baddies can deliver the shot, Aki comes in saves him again. The gunmen chase after them in their car, but Aki calls Tanaka for “the usual reception, please.” Just when the baddies are closing in, a helicopter flies above them and attaches a giant magnet to their roof. The helicopter then flies over the sea, car in tow, and drops them into the water. Bond then tells Tanaka to contact M and bring “Little Nellie” and her father.

Bond and Aki find the Ning-Po at some dock and while doing some investigating, find some liquid oxygen. They are soon attacked, and Bond lets Aki slip away while he takes on some jerks. Although he gets away, he is whapped in the head and taken to SPECTRE Number 11 (Ms. Brandt).  Aboard the Ning-Po, Brandt questions him and threatens to skin him alive. Bond reveals to her that he is a spy, and will split some money with her if she can get him back to Tokyo. Promising her safeguard in Europe, she agrees and kisses him. Then they get it on.

Bond and Brandt fly back to Tokyo, but mid flight, she traps him in the plane and dives off with a parachute. Bond escapes his confines and crash-lands the plane, running out before it blows the hell up. Seemingly unshaken, Bond meets Tanaka and Aki for lunch. Tanaka has identified the coastline in the photo as one belonging to a small island called Matsu. Although his people shadowed the Ning-Po during the night, they were not sure if it stopped at the island (it was, like, really dark). Two photos of the ship, however, one taken the night before and one the next morning, show that the ship lost a lot of cargo during the night. It had to have dropped it off somewhere! Bond meets with Little Nellie, a little autogyro, and her “father”, Q. Q has no time for 007’s quips and explains all of Little Nellie’s weapons before Bond takes it flying above Matsu. He sees nothing but volcanoes, and a squad of villainous helicopters. He dispatches them with fire, gun, and missile.

Meanwhile, Russia launches a shuttle into space. It is quickly intercepted by the same mysterious ship  that swallowed the American one, which soon flies down to Earth and nears one of the volcanoes on Matsu. One of the volcanoes’ water pit is actually fake, and is instead a retractable roof, which opens up, revealing inside a massive base and crew teams running around. Brandt and Osato are there, as well is a man petting his white cat, which we all know is SPECTRE number 1: Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Blofeld is displeased to find that Osato and Brandt let James Bond escape, even though it was in all the papers that he was dead. Osato is let go, but Brandt is fed to Blofeld’s ill-tempered piranha fish.

Bond meets Tanaka at his ninja-training school, where tons of youthful gents the art of concealment and badassery. Tanaka’s plan is to have one hundred of his ninjas sneak onto the island unseen and for Bond himself to become Japanese and train as a ninja. He also suggests Bond to take a wife. He wants Aki, but Tanaka explains that’s impossible, and that he must marry some other lady. After becoming Japanese (having his chest waxed, getting a wig, etc), Bond settles down for some z’s with Aki. A ninja sneaks in and while tries to poison Bond. Aki is poisoned by mistake and the ninjas starts his exit. Aki’s coughing stirs Bond awake, and although he kills the ninja, she cannot be saved. The next day, Bond takes his Japanese wife, Tanaka’s agent Kissy Suzuki, and afterwards, they all sail to Matsu.

Tanaka informs Bond that the Americans are launching another shuttle tonight at midnight (Japanese time) and that if it is incepted, they will start war with Russia. This sens Bond and co. to go into overdrive. Kissy and him go to investigate a sketchy cave, which leads them to start investigating a nearby volcano. While stopping to rest (and kiss), the two witness a helicopter heading toward the volcano and heading down inside. With furrowed brows, the two investigate and find out the volcano’s water is of metal. Bond sends Kissy back to get Tanaka and his buddies while he stays behind and checks things out.

$1500 a month, nice neighborhood, cats/dogs ok

Bond suction-cup-climbs his way down into the base and finds the captive American astronauts as Blofeld prepares SPECTRE’s intercepting-shuttle for space. Bond poses as one of the SPECTRE astronauts and almost boards, but hears “Stop that astronaut!” over the PA before he can get on. Blofeld instructs to send the reserve astronaut as Bond is brought before him. In his control room, Blofeld explains that he made a crucial error, that no astronaut would enter a shuttle with his air conditioner (whatever that means). The countdown begins as the SPECTRE shuttle goes into space to incite some war.

Although SPECTRE’s shuttle is bound for space, that doesn’t stop Tanaka and his ninjas from raiding the base. With the help of Bond’s opening of the crater-hatch, Tanaka’s ninjas rope themselves down and cause chaos. Gunfire and explosions fill the lair. More ninjas drop down as the shuttle-interception time reaches eight minutes. Blofeld leads Bond and Mr. Osato away from the fray, shooting Mr. Osato for failing him. Blofeld tries to shoot Bond, but Tanaka throws a ninja star at his hand and the shot goes wide. Blofeld escapes and Bond joins the gunfight.

Bond makes his way to the control room to stop the SPECTRE shuttle from intercepting the American one. At the last second, Bond destroys the SPECTRE shuttle. Yay! Somewhere in the base, Blofeld activates the self-destruct. Bond, Tanaka, and Kissy, and a bunch of ninjas escape from the inferno, swimming to some rafts laid out to them by some allies. Thinking no one will ever find them, Bond starts making out with Kissy. Turns out their raft was right under M’s submarine. M tells Moneypenny to have him come down to report. “It will be a pleasure, sir.” she says.

Things I like:

For the first time in this countdown, there are actually more things I like about the movie than dislike, which is, quite honestly, a nice change. I’ve gone over the hump and am now in the land of Bond-enjoyablility. Awesome. So what do I like about Bond’s fifth entry, You Only Live Twice?

First off, I have to say I love Blofeld’s awesome hollowed-out volcano lair. Nowadays, this might all be done with CGI, but they actually built this thing! It stood 184 feet tall and featured a fully-functioning helipad monorail. So fucking awesome. Not only do I love the entire set, but the entire climax the takes place there. Gunfights, carts running along tracks, ninjas dropping in from the ceiling… it’s fantastic. My favorite Bond climaxes have always been those that end in huge gunfights. Whether it’s Brosnan going Rambo in Tomorrow Never Dies or the massive gunfight in The Spy Who Loved Me, those climaxes are sure to thrill, and You Only Live Twice does not disappoint. And Blofeld’s cat’s freakout to a squib going off is absolutely hilarious. Look at its face!

Usually in a Bond movie, Bond is whisked off to multiple locations around the globe. While taking down a baddie, he might head to Madagascar, then Montenegro, and then Venice. Or from Russia to Cuba. Or to some place and Instanbul and some other place. This time, however, Bond stays put in Japan. While the idea of Bond sticking around in one place and not trotting the globe might sound boring, it’s actually pretty nice. I feel like we get a bit deeper into the culture of where we are visiting. Usually, Bond is just “shooting in and out” of places, hardly sticking around long enough to share any real cultural experiences. This time we get a quasi-cultural profile of Japan (y’know, in a Disney “it’s a small world” kind of way) Even though it’s a little embarrassing by today’s standards of what’s acceptable stereotyping, it’s still fun to see Tokyo, some baths, ninjas, and a wedding ceremony. In no other Bond movie do we delve into a location or its unique customs so much. As I said, it’s a little 1960’s in approach, but I enjoy the extra depth.

Things I didn’t like:

There isn’t too much I dislike about You Only Live Twice, with only one real gripe coming to mind. Up until Aki’s death, Aki was the leading Bond girl and his lady during the mission. She had already saved him twice and led him directly to Tanaka. He even sacrificed himself so she could get away. Even when Bond has to choose a Japanese wife, he wants Aki. We get that Bond legitimately likes Aki, and that she’ll be by his side for the duration of the movie. Unfortunately, she catches whiff of some ninja-poison and dies. Bond then “marries” one of Tanaka’s agents, Kissy Suzuki, with whom he teams up and eventually kisses a whole bunch of times.

I don’t know about you, but I always felt Bond’s forgetting of Aki to be a little quick. I mean, I know he is Bond, and tough, and has little room to be sad about shit, but come on, she just died like five minutes ago! Sure, it might follow with Bond’s character, but what about the audience? Am I just supposed to accept this new Bond girl who came out of nowhere halfway through the movie? I mean, there was excellent build between Bond and Aki, which all just ends rather abruptly. I don’t think Aki is ever even menitoned in the movie after this. Did they lose the actress or something? Why does no one care about her? Oh well, whatever.

“Aki who?”

The Song:

“You Only Live Twice”, composed by John Barry and sung by Nancy Sinatra, is, I think, one of the prettiest and nicest Bond themes. The classic John Barry strings, the musical, oriental flowerings, and Nancy Sinatra’s voice come together so nicely. It’s an absolute delight to hear it during the film’s score as well. It’s sweeping and romantic, just what a storming by ninjas needs.

Not only do I like the music, but the lyrics as well, especially the first lines: “You only live twice, or so it seems, one life for yourself, and one for your dreams”. I completely agree with this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not stupid, I know that we only live once (Bill Nye told me), but we all do kind of live a second life for our dreams, don’t we? In real life, I’m just a dime-a-dozen aspiring writer/director/musician/anything in the Los Angeles area, but in my dreams, I’m a lot more. In our dreams, we’re always that person we want to be, and I think that every time we day-dream or have a hope, we’re living for our dreams. So hey, maybe we really do live twice. Once in the world and once in the world created in our heads. I really like that idea. Just don’t go living too much in your dreams now.

Favorite Scene:

Although I don’t like the Little Nellie all that much, the scene in which Bond uses it to dispatch some enemy helicopters is pretty damn awesome. I don’t know if it’s what Bond actually does during the scene that makes it cool, or the fact that the entire sequence is underscored by a chopped-up-and-re-arranged James Bond theme. Good action scenes are cool, but the James Bond them is just that extra ingredient that makes them great. We love Bond for his gadgets, know-how, and swagger, and we love seeing our hero do what he does best set to the Monty Norman/added John Barry orchestration masterpiece. It really is a great scene. And to think, no CGI at all! If you’ve got three minutes, check it out:

Favorite Line:

This time, my favorite line is actually the title of the film. After Blofeld sees Bond in his control room, he asks Bond if he is back from the dead. Bond replies “This is my second life”, to which Blofeld says “You only live twice, Mr. Bond.” Great delivery of the line, too.

Extra Tidbit:

In the beginning of the film, Bond is schmoozing with some girl played by actress Tsai Chin. Tsai Chin would appear in Casino Royale 39 years later as a poker player. Crazy!

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Find out which Bond movie comes next in the countdown by clicking HERE!

James Bond Countdown: #15: Quantum of Solace

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Warning: Spoilers for Quantum of Solace, Casino Royale, and other Bond movies below!

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Number on Countdown: 15

Title: Quantum of Solace

Year: 2008

Synopsis:

The movie starts with Bond driving rather fast, some baddie-cars chasing after. Bond eventually gets away from the bad guys, arriving in Siena, Italy, and maneuvers down a secret street into a secret building. Upon parking, he lifts up the boot, which has a captive man in the back. Bond jovially tells him it’s “time to get out.”

Inside the building, Bond meets with M, and she tells him that Vesper Lynd’s boyfriend, Yusef (something), was reportedly found dead on a beach somewhere. After doing some investigating, M determined it wasn’t him. Bond says “whatever, I don’t care, etc.” Then they put Bond’s captive, Mr. White, on the spot and ask him who he is working for. He laughs in their face at their intimidation techniques, saying that “we have people everywhere…” before looking to Mitchell, M’s bodygaurd, who starts shooting good guys. Bond chases after Mitchell and after running atop a billion roofs, kills him. Bond then returns to the interrogation room to find Mr. White gone.

Back in London, M and Bond check out Mitchell’s flat. M can’t understand how Mitchell could have been involved, having passed security checks and lie detector tests for the past eight years (five as her personal bodyguard). As usual, M is pissed. Pissed that Bond killed him and now they can’t question him. Bond and M then go back to MI6, where some folks have done some more investigating about Mitchell, and found that he possessed a 20 dollar bill that had been marked (to keep track of Le Chiffre’s money-laundering operation.) A whole stack of these bills had just been deposited in Haiti by a man named Slate.

Bond travels to Port au Prince, Haiti, in search of the man. Slate isn’t too happy to see him, and tries to kill him, ending in his demise. Bond then takes his keys and obtains Slate’s briefcase that was being held at the front desk. Just as he exits the hotel, some girl (named Camille Montes) pulls up to him and commands him to get in. He agrees and they start chatting. Bond opens the briefcase to see nothing but a blank document, a gun, and a picture of the girl. Bond says “I think someone is trying to kill you,” to which she tries to shoot him. Bond escapes the shot and gets out of the car, but follows her to a dock or pier or something.

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From left to right: Medrano, Greene, Blade, Camille

The girl marches into the dock and gets through to the quasi-office of black-hair, ferret-y Dominic Greene. He’s says he’s excited to see her, but she’s pissed at him for just trying to have her killed. He tells her not to talk to him like he is stupid and then shows her one his best geologists, who is floating under water, drowned. While Camille tries to convince Greene she’s helping him, he thinks she’s only messing around with him so she can get close to General Medrano, who arrives soon after.

General Medrano, an exiled Bolivian general, has sought out Greene’s help to destabilize the Bolivian government so he can become Prez. Greene has already started destabilizing the government and explains his organization can give Medrano his country back within the week. In return, Greene asks for a barren, worthless piece of land, which Medrano says contains no oil. Greene says “Maybe, maybe not. But we own whatever we find.” Medrano then meets Camille, who he learns is the daughter of a Mr. Montes, who Medrano knew and was “the last to see them alive.” Camille is given off as a prize for Medrano and goes off on his boat, but Bond intervenes a his commandeered boat. He saves her and they escape.

Bond drops the girl off and then calls MI6 to tell them about Greene, who they find out is the CEO of Greene Planet, some philanthropic environmentalist company that has been buying up large pieces of land as reserves. Bond follows Greene to Austria and the opera he’s attending. Before the show, hot attendants hand out some goodie bags. Bond realizes that some people are getting specific ones hidden under the table, which Bond obtains by knocking a sucker out. Bond uses the earpiece that was inside and listens in on the baddies’ plan, which is to build 2,000 more kilometers of pipeline for something called “The Tierra Project”. Bond, not able to see exactly who’s talking in the crowd, suggests they meet someplace else, and when they stand to leave, snaps pictures of all involved. Bond, on his way out, walks right past Mr. White, who’s sitting there, enjoying the opera. A gun fight ensues as Bond is spotted by Greene and his cronies.

Bond escapes, but not after throwing this one dude off a roof, who, was a member of Special Branch. M wants Bond to come back and debrief, but he refuses. M cancels his all his cards and passports. Finding this out quickly, Bond visits his buddy Rene Mathis, asking him for some info. After talking about Vesper (and how she loved and died for Bond), Bond asks Rene to come along with him to stop Greene and his Quantum-brood.

“We’ll threaten them with our sweaters!”

Bond and Rene head to La Paz, Bolivia, but are soon met by Strawberry Fields, redhead worker from the consulate, who’s there to send Bond straight back to London. Since the next flight back isn’t until tomorrow morning anyway, Bond goes about his business. She sticks around. They check into a hotel and Bond seduces her in like five seconds. They then attend a party held by Greene Planet, where Greene gives a speech about the environment and shit. During the party, Camille gives away some dirty details about Greene Planet’s dealings (cutting down forests and stuff), which causes Greene to almost kill Camille. Luckily Bond is there to intervene and take her from the party. They are stopped on the road by some policia and Bond is told to open his trunk, which houses a knocked-out Mathis. After small scuffle, Mathis is wounded and dying. Before he dies in Bond’s arms, he tells Bond to forigve Vesper and forgive himself. Bond then throws him in a dumpster.

Bond and Camille check out Greene’s newly-acquired land by plane, but are shot down and crash land in a sinkhole. With no TV or internet, they decide to chat. Bond learns that Medrano killed Camille’s family in some heinous ways and burnt down her house. Bond tells her a bit about Vesper. After swapping sad stories, Bond and Camille find out that Greene and Quantum have been damning the water under the sinkholes to try and create a monopoly. He doesn’t want oil, he wants el agua!

Bond and Camille return to the hotel, only to be separated. Bond enters the room to receive a lecture from M, who tells him to stop being motivated by greed and stuff. His actions have led to the death of Fields (who was drowned in a pool of crude oil). Bond is suspended and escorted off by some MI6 guys, but Bond quickly;y dispatches them and takes his weapon. Although their is a “capture or kill” out on Bond, M trusts him.

Bond soon meets up with Camille and then later meets with CIA buddy Felix Leiter. Bond doesn’t have much time before the CIA try and capture him, but Felix tells him Medrano and Greene are going to meet at La Perla de las Dunas out in the desert to finalize their El Presidente deal. Bond “moves his ass” and escapes.

Bond and Camille arrive at La Perla de Las Dunas and this is when Bond learns Camille’s never killed anyone before, so he gives her some advice. Meanwhile, Greene and Medrano meet. Medrano becomes president, but signs another paper which means Quantum now owns 60% of Bolivia’s water supply. Greene hands him another paper that will force Medrano to use them as the main utilities provider, but for double the amount they are paying currently. Greene makes him and offer he can’t refuse, so he signs.

No open flames in the dorms, please

Things heat up when Bond enters the building and starts causing chaos. Camille is there, too, on the hunt for Medrano. Eventually, everyone finds who they want and two fights ensue, all while the place catches fire. Camille kills Medrano, but when the room catches fire, she freezes up, memories of her family’s death flooding over her. Bond comes in and saves her from the blaze. Dominic tries to limp away (having his foot met with an axe during the fight), but Bond catches up. After questioning him about Quantum, Bond drops him off in the desert with a can of motoroil. “I bet you make it twenty miles before you consider drinking that”. Then Bond drops off Camille.

Later, in Kazan, Russia, a couple come home from a snowy walk, only to find Bond sitting in their room. The man is Yusef, Vesper’s bf, and his new girlie. Bond identifies her as Canadian secret service and dismisses her. Bond leaves Yusef alive, to be captured by MI6 peeps, and shares a chat with M. He admits she was right about Vesper, and when M says she needs him back, he says “I never left.” He drops Vesper’s necklace into the snow.

Things I like:

Have to admit there isn’t much I like Quantum of Solace. I don’t there’s much ANYONE likes about Quantum of Solace, but whatever.

One of my favorite aspects of the film is Dominic’s plan. We’ve seen Bond villains making plans revolving around nuclear weapons, gold, oil pipelines, space shuttles, and microchips, but we’d never seen one take advantage of a water supply. As Green says in the film, “this is the world’s most valuable resource,” and I believe that’s quickly becoming true. Greene is more of an environmental enemy, and that’s pretty cool to see recent worries brought into the Bond series. Cold-War Russians are out, environmental terrorists are in.

While Quantum of Solace as a whole might be a bit, well, lame, it’s final action scene is pretty awesome. Camille finally has the showdown with Medrano, and Bond finally confronts Greene. Greene might not be one of the best villains, but anyone with an axe attacking Bond is pretty badass. And how could we forget his amazing shrieks?

Also, any allusion to Casino Royale was greatly appreciated, although (in my opinion) there aren’t as many as there should be.

Things I didn’t like:

There are a quantity of things I don’t like about this entry, so let’s get started.

If you had a bit of difficulty following my synopsis near the beginning, (like who Le Chiffre was or who Vesper was) don’t be alarmed. I did this on purpose, for that’s EXACTLY how the movie begins. Quantum of Solace picks up DIRECTLY after its predecessor Casino Royale. This is fine and dandy if you’d just watched said movie, but if you haven’t, you’d be completely lost. Bond has some bad guy in his trunk who babbles about Vesper. We do get a little reminder about Vesper and her boyfriend, but not much. A bit later, they mention Le Chiffre, the villain of Casino Royale, but you still don’t really know who he is. When I was younger and going through my first Bond phase, I just rented them all out of order. I feel bad for the future chump who randomly watches this and has no fucking idea what is going on. Oh well.

“Is this from Goldfinger or Moonraker?” – Future chump

This is perhaps the only Bond movie where I am disappointed in not what was presented, but perhaps what wasn’t. Casino Royale and its ending were great! Bond is a new 00 agent, who falls for the sexy treasury girl Vesper Lynd, who was actually forced into co-operation by Le Chiffe’s guys (they had her boyfriend kidnapped). At the end of Casino Royale, M asks the feeling-ridiculously-betrayed Bond “You don’t trust anyone, do you?” to which he hastily replies “No.” She then explains that she had learned his lesson. Great. His naivety had come to an end, and we begin to see why our hero has been so cold these past 4o-something years of movies.

So why don’t we have a revenge-seeking, frustrated Bond in Quantum of Solace? We do, to a degree, but this whole entire movie could have been about Bond and his emotional, internal struggle. Nothing like an emo Spider-Man 3, but Bond is burned, heartbroken, shaken, and stirred, and I don’t ever feel that Quantum of Solace really nails it. I mean, how good of a movie would it have been if Bond had just gone after Vesper’s boyfriend? I know that we’ve seen Bond dealing with revenge before in For Your Eyes Only and especially in Licence to Kill, but this would have been different. In Licence to Kill, Bond goes against his orders to avenge his buddy Felix’s legs-eating-off-by-a-shark, but he is still skilled and calculating. This time, Bond would have done it out of pure, primal motivations, and might not have been so in control. He could have been a wounded animal striking back, unaware that his revenge-seeking might lead to deaths of others.  In For Your Eys Only, Bond advises revenge-seeking Melina that  “when one goes out for revenge, one must first dig two graves”. This could have the best opportunity for him to learn such a lesson. Maybe he goes after Vesper’s boyfriend and ends up getting someone else killed. We could have had the whole movie about the hunt for Yusef. Hell, the one scene Yusef is in is the best scene in the whole damn movie, and it has nothing to do with the main plot. Seriously, let’s call it “No Good About Goodbye” (more on that in a second), send the wounded Bond on a primal vendetta, and make him learn a lesson. But that didn’t happen, so oh well.

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May it live on forever in Photoshop

All plot-direction complaints aside, I don’t very much like way Quantum of Solace is edited. This is most notable during the scene in which Bond chases Mitchell over the rooftops of Siena. Here’s a video of it, the chase starts about 3:51.

Seriously, what the hell? Was there any shot there that lasted more than two seconds? Or for that matter, ONE second? This isn’t a music video, so why do I feel like I am watching one? As my buddy says “Why did we need five shots of him getting up?” (from the balcony rail). I don’t know, man, I really don’t know.

I feel like the Bond flavor is missing throughout Quantum of Solace. Out of the all Bond movies, it’s the one farthest away from a recognizable Bond film. Think about it, there’s no opening gun barrel, no real M and Bond debriefing, no Moneypenny, no Q, no disfigured villain, no gagdets. The Bond theme hardly makes an appearance. I appreciate the Bond producers trying to do something new, but as I said in The Living Daylights recap, you can’t go too far or else it’s unrecognizable. It’s like having too much plastic surgery.

All right, all right. Enough bitching about Quantum of Solace. Despite all my gripes, it’s still a pretty entertaining movie. One also has to also take into account that while maybe Bond’s biggest adversary was Dominic Greene, Quantum of Solace‘s might have been the 2008 Writer’s Strike. Daniel Craig even went on to say this: “On Quantum, we were fucked. We had the bare bones of a script and then there was the strike and there was nothing we could do. We couldn’t employ a writer to finish it. You swear you’ll never get involved with shit like that, and then it happens”. So, they were stuck with a bare-bones script and could not hire any writer. Sucky. Sucky for them and sucky for us. Gotta commend them for trying their best, but sadly, Quantum of Solace doesn’t give me any solace.

The Song:

Quantum of Solace‘s song, “Another Way to Die”, written by Jack White and performed by him and Alicia Keys, isn’t as bad as a song people make it out to be. It’s got the horns, the clean guitar, and that brooding sense of danger and dread. I personally think it’s all right, but it is definitely not one of my favorites (definitely not). When listening to it, I always wonder what the song would have sounded like had only one of the singers sang it. Both their voices are fine alone, but together it sounds a little screechy. And what’s with all the “shoot ’em bang bang!” and “another -nother -nother…” crap during the bridge and the ending? Like, what? Lame.

Now let’s talk a little about a song called “No Good About Goodbye”. Since it’s release in 2009, many Bond fans have rumored that this was to a candidate to be the opening song for Quantum of Solace. Some fans say it was, some fans say it wasn’t, some fans say David Arnold (Bond composer and composer of the song) says it wasn’t, and so on. I honestly don’t know. What I DO know is that it 1) has the word “solace” in it a whole bunch, 2) is about being heartbroken (like Bond in the movie), 3) shares a five-note intro similar to a theme in the film, 4) was composed by David Arnold (composer of five Bond movies and a couple themes) 5) contains lyrics written by Don Black (who wrote the lyrics to five Bond songs), and 6) is sung by Shirley Bassey, the singer of “Goldfinger”, “Diamonds are Forever”, and “Moonraker.” So, it’s a Bond song in spirit, I suppose, and whether or not is was planned for Quantum of Solace, this seems like the most relevant place to put it. I personally think it would make a classic Bond tune, and would have made a great one for Quantum of Solace, even though it’s like five million times better than the actual movie itself. Seriously, give it a listen. It RULES.

Favorite Scene:

Without a doubt, my favorite scene is the final scene when Bond confronts Yusef, the man sort of responsible for Vesper’s death. We’ve been waiting the whole movie for this (or least I had been) and it’s great to see Bond teetering on the edge of wanting to kill this guy and trying to do the right thing. Bond’s dialogue is SUPERB, I think, and his quick-talking, no-nonsense attitude is exactly what I’ve been expecting Bond to be like the whole movie. The laid-back, somewhat jokey Bond isn’t messing around anymore. I love it! Here’s the scene for those who are interested (some fan put some music in there from The Living Daylights, but just ignore it).

Favorite Line:

During M’s little lecture to Bond in his hotel room, she tells him to stop being motivated by revenge. He replies that he is only motivated by his duty, to which she replies “No, I think you’re so blinded by inconsiderable rage that you don’t care who you hurt. When you can’t tell your friends from your enemies it’s time to go.” Awesome line and delivery by Mrs. Dench. Love it.

Extra Tidbit:

This is the first Bond movie to be released in a year ending in the number 8. There was no Bond movie in ’68, ’78, ’88, or ’98. Trippy!

FIND OUT WHICH BOND MOVIE IS NEXT IN THE COUNTDOWN BY CLICKING HERE!

James Bond Countdown: #16: The Living Daylights

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Note: Spoilers for The Living Daylights below.

Number on Countdown: 16

Title: The Living Daylights

Year: 1987

Synopsis:

Bond’s fifteenth adventure begins at the Rock of Gibraltar, where M and a couple of his 00-agents fly aboard a plane. M explains to his men that while this mission is just a training exercise, he still wants them penetrate the radar installations as if it were real. His three black-clad agents dive out of the plane and land on the rock base below. One of them is taken out by paintball immediately. The second man grappling-hooks it up a cliff-face. Before reaching the top, some angry guy in black sends a note down his rope, then cuts it. The agent falls down to his death, which catches the attention of the last agent, Agent 007. Realizing this “training exercise” just got real, Agent 007 chases after the bad guy, who is now in an explosive-laden truck. After a crazy fight/drive, Bond sends the truck off a cliff, parachuting out of it before it blows the hell up. Bond then lands on a rich lady’s yacht and has some fun with her.

In Bratislava, Czechoslovakia, Bond meets fellow MI6 dude Saunders, the biggest killjoy of all time. Bond and Saunders binocular in on Georgi Koskov, a Russian guy who is planning to defect to the west. Before heading to the meeting point, Bond checks out the foxy girl playing the cello. The two go to the meeting point and Bond, assigned to look for snipers, gazes out the window with his gun. Koskov begins to sneak over to the meeting point, just when Bond spots a sniper. It’s the girl with the cello! Saunders orders Bond to kill her, but he instead shoots the gun out of her hand. Bond then drives off with the escaped Koskov. Bond takes him to some place where they put him in a pipeline, sending him westward at like a billion miles per hour. Eventually, Koskov gets off in a plane, headed for England. Bond is pleased, but Saunders is pissed that Bond disobeyed orders and didn’t kill the sniper-babe. Bond states he only kills professionals, which the cellist was most definitely not. “Whoever she was, it must have scared the living daylights out of her.”

Back at MI6, Bond and Q have no luck in identifying the cellist. Bond tells Moneypenny to look up cellists and thwarts her advances yet again. Bond arrives at some manor to meet with his boss, the same manor where a blond-haired baddie (named Necros) kills the milkman and takes his disguise. Bond arrives at the meeting, where the defected Koskov tells them the new KGB leader, Leonid Pushkin, is making some radical changes, including reinstating the “Smiert Spionam” program, which in English translates to “Death to Spies”. Seeing this as the push that could lead to a domino-effect of killing, M and crew head out to London to consult with higher authority. Just after they leave, the faux-milkman goes on a milk-bottle-grenade throwing spree, kidnapping Koskov.

You still haven’t payed for last week’s milk!

M, Bond, and the Minister of Defense are all embarrassed that the KGB was able to snatch up their man just hours after he defected. Although Bond and M have never known this Leonid Pushkin to be a psychotic weirdo, Bond is sent to go kill him in Tangier. At Q Branch, Moneypenny has found the cellist (named Kara Milovy), and states that she’ll be playing some song at some place in the coming days. Bond grabs his nifty gadgets and gets on his way.

Before going to Tangier, Bond decides to track down Kara, seeing her performance and then following her onto a bus. She is taken off the bus by some bad guy and put in the car of Pushkin. Bond exits the bus with her cello and, upon opening it, finds the very sniper rifle she was using the night of Koskov’s defection. He also finds that the bullets were blanks. He finds her address in there as well, and is waiting for her when she arrives home a little later. Bond talks with her and asks what Pushkin wanted and she explains that he wanted to know where Koskov was. After a chat, Bond suggests they get the fuck outta there because the KGB is watching her. The two escape the city, but not before going back to get her cello. In an intense car chase and cello-case ride down a mountain, they reach Austria and make it to Vienna, where Koskov is rumored to be.

In Tangier, Pushkin meets with American war aficionado Brad Whitaker, who shows off all the weapons he is selling to the Russians. Pushkin is there, however, to tell him the order is cancelled. Whitaker explains that he can’t cancel the order, but Pushkin tells him to end it or he’ll be “out of business permanently”. Bond and Kara chill in Vienna and here he finds out Koskov bought Kara her cello, “The Lady Rose” for a large sum of money. They then go to the opera and Saunders is there, who admonishes Bond for chilling with the sniper. Bond reveals he’s only doing it to get info from the girl, who is Koskov’s girlfriend. Bond wonders how Koskov could have bought such an expensive cello. After a couple hours (and a trip to the fair!) Saunders reveals that Kara’s cello was sold in New York for 150,000 dollars to a Mr. Brad Whitaker, who is in Tangier. (Hmmm…) Saunders is then killed right after by a balloon-selling Necros, who leaves behind a “smiert spionam” balloon. Bond pops it in outrage!

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Good assassination and penmanship skills

Bond and Kara go to Tangier, where Bond tracks down Pushkin, confronting him in his hotel room (or something) and demands info. Bond asks about smiert spionam and the two dead agents, but Pushkin explains he is in the dark just as much as Bond is. Pushkin also says he was about to have Koskov arrested because he was being a questionable asshole and dealing with Whitaker. To find out what Koskov is really up to, Bond and Pushkin stage Pushkin’s death. Koskov is exuberant that Bond killed Pushkin. Whitaker and Koskov can now go through with their plan. Koskov then gets a call from someone.

Bond later visits Kara in her room and she makes him a drink. This is when Bond tells her that he is not a friend of Koskov’s but in fact a British agent looking for him. He explains how Koskov has betrayed everyone, even setting her up as the sniper to be offed. Kara retorts by saying she called Koskov and he told her the “real” story: that Bond is a KGB agent and using Kara to find him and kill him. Bond tries to explain himself, but she drugged his drink. (Stupid!) Knowing he has like ten seconds before he knocks out, he finds Kara’s arm-wound (from when Bond shot the gun out of her hand) and reveals to her that he was the one who was sent to kill her.

Bond finds himself aboard a big-ass plane, where him and Koskov share a nice chat. So, Koskov has been with the Russians all along, misinforming British intelligence, and got Bond to kill Pushkin for them. The plane lands in Afghanistan, where Bond and Kara are transported to prison. Bond and Kara escape the prison in like ten seconds and free a bearded man. Later, when Bond and Kara are running away from the base, this bearded man saves them, for he is actually Kamran Shah, leader of the Mujaheddin, the Afghan resistance. Bond explains to him that he needs to get back to the base, but they laugh at him and think he’s cray cray. The next morning, they decide to help Bond out. Bond finds out that Koskov is using Soviet money to buy tons of raw opium, which could turn him a massive profit somehow or something (?). Bond decides to help load some of the opium on Koskov’s truck, but as the truck pulls away, an in-love Kara rides after him.

Hey beloved, just gonna plant a bomb on a plane inside of an enemy airbase. Don’t worry about me!

The truck is carted onto the base and driven into the back of a big-ass plane. Bond loads a bomb on the plane in an opium bag and sets it for ten and half minutes. Just as he’s about to the leave, the back-ramp closes. Bond decides to exit via the side entrance, right where Koskov and Necros are entering. Bond abducts a gun from a soldier and starts firing. Right then, the Mujaheddin come and start fuckin’ some shit up. Bond starts driving the plane as everyone scrambles around amidst gunfire and explosions. Before taking off to the sky, Kara drives a truck into the plane. They takes off and Bond goes to diffuse the bomb, when Necros is there to cause him trouble. After a fight hanging out the back of a plane, Necros falls to his death. Bond climbs back aboard safely, but hears the ticking bomb. Bond quickly finds it amongst the nondescript bags and defuses it with 2 seconds left. Bond later throws this bomb out of a plane to stop some Soviet baddies advancing on his Mujaheddin friends.

Although Koskov’s plan has been thwarted, Bond decides to make a visit to Whitaker. The conversation quickly turns violent a gunfight ensues. Whitaker dies and with the help of Pushkin, the area is cleared. Koskov is there as well, pretending to have been Whitaker’s captive. Pushkin doesn’t believe him for a second and arrests him. Later, Kara plays her cello at some place and later finds some drinks, and Bond, waiting for her in her dressing room. Yay!

Things I like:

I’m not one to be interested in cars (like, at all), and often don’t really give a rat’s ass about Bond’s cars, but Bond’s Aston Martin from The Living Daylights is fucking awesome. Everything he does with it is awesome, from laser-cutting a police car off its chassis, blowing up a truck with some missiles, jumping off a ramp, or activating the skis and spiked tires to drive in the snow. Seriously, gotta love those spikes tires. Even when Bond’s tire is shot out over a frozen lake, Bond uses his wheel to the cut the ice, leaving one police car to sink into the water below. Fuck. Yea. At the end, he leaves it behind to self-destruct and blow up some bad guys. AWESOME.

Turning the ignition may cause other things to explode.

In addition to the super-fab car chase, this movie does have some thrilling action sequences. The first scene, in which Bond parachutes out of a plane and hangs on the back of an explosive-laden truck, is pretty thrilling. And the final battle between Necros and Bond, hanging on a net out the back of a flying plane. Pretty thrilling stuff.

“If this is business, I wonder what coach looks like.”

While neither Bond nor Kara come across as largely interesting in this installment, their chemistry together is to be appreciated. For example, when Bond and Kara get away and make a break for it, she insists they go back and get her cello. What ensues is a funny argument and while Bond says “No way!” to retrieving it, we see him in the next shot waiting for her to stuff it in the car. He’s mildly displeased with this, until they need to use the case to sled down a mountain in a desperate escape attempt. This is when he says “Glad I insisted you brought that cello!” Classic comedic reversal. Love it.

While their bickering is enjoyable, so are the serious, gentle moments. Bond understands that Kara is just a naive girl who was lied to by her stupid boyfriend Koskov. Bond becomes increasingly protective of her, and then her of him, and it seems like one of the most natural, organic, and honest relationships in any of the Bond flicks. When Bond goes off in the truck at the end, Kara gets her horse and a gun and takes off after her man. And not even in a dramatic way, but rather, in a matter-of-fact way. She’s gonna save her man, no matter what. And that’s pretty cool.

“Yo bf is tran kill you”

I also like the Barry’s score, which incorporates all three songs that were created for The Living Daylights (which we’ll get to later). But really, each song is string-ified to be either an action theme, a mystery theme, or a love theme. It’s pretty damn awesome. And while we’re on the subject of John Barry, his cameo as composer is great!

Things I didn’t like:

I just spouted off a couple reasons why I like this movie, but it’s pretty far from number 1, so what was wrong with The Living Daylights?

Just like From Russia With Love, I thought this one was quite a snoozer. I remember seeing it for the first time and not being interested in anything that was happening at all. I don’t know if Dalton was an unfamiliar Bond to me (having really only been familiar with Brosnan), or if just doesn’t come across, or if I just don’t like deserts and spaced out during a bunch of important scenes, or. . .I have no idea. I don’t want to say Dalton is a bad James Bond, but, as someone pointed out, he’s a little too serious for the role. Some of his jokes are great, but some of them fall flat and you’re like “is that a joke?” But then again, Dalton’s Bond wasn’t supposed to be as funny as Moore, or funny at all. Still, I could see these jokes being delivered by Brosnan or Moore perfectly, so why do they fail to impress with Dalton? Maybe he’s a different type of actor, I don’t know.

Perhaps a reason why The Living Daylights doesn’t do much for me is because it keeps everything super grounded in reality. I’m a fan of the zanier, trippier, more creatively colorful Bond pictures (like of the Brosnan and Moore eras). I like the Bonds with the secret lair and the bad guys with some fucked-up eye or nose or whatever. Even Casino Royale, which wrangled in Bond’s ludicrously after Die Another Die, had a bad guy with an eye that cried blood. Amazing. But The Living Daylights doesn’t have ANY of the special frills that make some of the Bond movies memorable (and sometimes discernible) from others. Our main villain, Koskov is just a guy. Whitaker, the arms dealer, is just a guy. The henchman Necros takes after Red Grant by being a silent, tall, blond guy who goes around killing people, but is overall just a guy. No secret lair and no goofy plan to destroy the world with nukes. I know this can’t be done for every Bond movie, and I understand that the Bond producers were trying to get away from the Roger Moore era material, but I sorely missed the goofier aspects of Bond movies. Might work for other Bond fans, just not for me personally.

The Song:

It’s kind of sucky that John Barry’s last Bond-theme collaboration was such a terrible creative experience. Norwiegian rockers a-Ha didn’t have much of a good time either. No matter what was going on in the behind the scenes, The Living Daylights theme is rather meh in my book. I mention in the A View to a Kill review that I felt the song was a victim of the mid-80s style of music, and I feel the same way here. I feel like Bond themes should be timeless. Sure, they can have some flair of what music is popular at the time, but for the most part, they should be musically universal so they won’t sound dated, which The Living Daylights totally does.

The song starts out real exciting, but then loses its punch (kind of like the film itself). I do like the “ohhh ohh ohh ohhh the living daylights!” part of the song, though. That’s a cool part, I guess.

Before a-Ha was chosen for the title track, The Pretenders were considered to do it. They ended up recording two songs for the film, both of which’s melodies are used throughout the score (as I mentioned above). The first one, which plays over the end credits, is a slow romantic song that is used in dentists office where they don’t have laughing gas. While it served as a nice romantic theme to be featured in the score, this one is pretty boring. Here it is if you’re interested:

The second song is titled “Where Has Everybody Gone?” and is a pretty kick-ass song. This one might have been a candidate for the opening title track. What I like most about it is it has a very Goldfinger- or Thunderball-esque horn part to it (later to be used by Bond composer David Arnold…? More on that later in the countdown). Although I like “Where Has Everybody Gone”, I don’t know how it would have worked as the title theme. It seems a to be a little too exciting for the somewhat stale movie that follows.

Favorite Scene:

As I said above, the car chase is absolutely amazing, and if there’s any scene from The Living Daylights that stuck with me, it’s that one. I mean, this scene made me think cars were cool, which is a pretty big accomplishment. I’ve already summarized it, but if you’ve got five minutes and wanna check it out, here you go. It’s so damn awesome!

Favorite Line:

After joining with the Mujaheddin, Kara is a little miffed at Bond’s carelessness and cavalier attitude toward life. This urges her tackle him and spout of a string of Russian curses. He laughs and asks what that meant, when she screams “back end of horse!” He looks at her with laugh and asks “are you calling me a horse’s ass?” Lulz.

Extra Tidbit:

In the film, Bond delivers a parcel to Koskov, featuring some Bollinger and some foie gras, which Bond says is “excellent.” Sir Roger Moore, who played Bond in the seven movies, later teamed up with PETA and became a spokesman against the production of foie gras.

How could you say no to that face?

Find the next one in the countdown by clicking here!

James Bond Countdown: #17: Thunderball

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In preparation for November’s “Skyfall”, I’ll be counting down all the Bond movies from my least favorite to favorite. Twenty-two movies in all, so let’s get going! Warning: Spoilers for countdown movie below.

Number on Countdown: 17

Title: Thunderball

Year: 1965

Synopsis:

Bond is chillin’ at the funeral of Colonel Jacques Bouvar, a SPECTRE agent, who killed a couple of his colleagues. Bond follows Mrs. Bouvar back to her place, and upon greeting her, punches her in the face. Turns out it’s not Mrs. Bouvar, but Jacques himself. After a fight and killing Bouvar, Bond escapes with the use of a super-awesome jetpack, which “no well dressed man should be without.”

In Paris, a well-dressed man wearing an eye-patch enters into some building, and after some pleasantries, enters through a secret doorway, leading to a massive room, where some men sit around. The eye-patch man, revealed soon to be SPECTRE Number 2, takes his seat. At the start of the meeting, the cat-petting über-boss from From Russia With Love, tells all that Number 6, Jacques Bouvar, has been killed by an unknown assassin and this services will be missed. Number 2 then sheds some light on the NATO project, the biggest plan SPECTRE has ever attempted, which is to hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Number 2 has sent SPECTRE agent Count Lippe to the south of England (at a clinic near a NATO base) where he’s making the final preparations.

Turns out, Bond is at the same clinic, getting some R & R. After seeing a mysterious symbol of a tattoo on Count Lippe’s arm, it urges Bond to do some investigating of Lippe’s room. He doesn’t see him there, but Lippe’s bandaged-up-face neighbor sees Bond and is like “hmm..” Bond asks the physiotherapist who the bandaged man is, but reveals she doesn’t know much about him. She then ties Bond to some back-traction machine and leaves the room. Lippe turns the back-traction machine on full blast, leaving Bond trapped. And for dead. Luckily, the physiotherapist returns to turn off the machine and save Bond. Then he plays an über-sleaze and has her sleep with him so he won’t tell her boss.

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And then happily massages her with his mink glove

In a nearby hotel, NATO pilot François Derval is making out with this super foxy lady when he has to get going. He opens the door, shocked to see another, well, him, and another him that shoots him in the face with toxic gas. Turns out the other him is a dude named Angelo who’s spent two years of his life turning himself into Derval with voice lessons, tape viewings, and plastic surgery. The foxy lady is actually SPECTRE agent Fiona Volpe, and makes sure Angelo replaces Derval for his upcoming flight. They wrap the dead Derval in bandages and put him back at the clinic. Bond finds the dead Derval as the fake one hijacks the airplane carrying two nukes. Angelo flies the plane straight to a SPECTRE ship waiting offshore. He sets the plane down underwater. SPECTRE sends down divers obtain the nukes. Oh, and kill Angelo.

Bond is called to the London office, as is every 00 agent. Number 1 has sent a tape to the powers that be that roughly states “give us 100 million pounds upon this date or we’ll use these nukes to blow up a major city in England or the U.S.” They agree to pay the baddies if they can’t somehow stop them within the allotted time. Bond, upon learning that the dead Derval’s sister is in Nassau, suggests he should go and check her out.

Bond immediately finds her, Dominique “Domino” Derval, and makes contact. Over some conch chowder, Bond learns she has a guardian, and one with a big-ass yacht. Later that night, Bond plays the eye-patch man, named Emelio Largo, in baccarat and kicks his ass. Bond chats with Domino again and learns she’s his mistress. Largo leaves with Domino, but not before inviting Bond to have lunch at his house.

Later, after thwarting some thug in his room, Bond meets up with trusty ally Felix Leiter of the CIA. Bond sends the thug back to Largo, who just feeds him to his sharks. Bond then visits a hideout where Q gives him all his nifty gadgets. With only 55 hours until the ransom is due, Bond investigates the Emelio’s ship, the Disco Volante. After nearly dying, Bond gets away with some revealing photographs. Later, Bond and Felix develop the photos and go about finding the lost NATO airplane, but have no luck in finding it.

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Lunch at Largo’s

Later, Bond goes to Largo’s place for some lunch. After showing off his dangerous, ravenous sharks, Largo suggest that Domino take Bond to Junkanoo, the local Mardi Gras. A little later, Bond returns to his room to find Volpe there, and after sexual negotiations, she reveals herself to be a baddie. On his way to “an interesting conversation”, Bond escapes Volpe and her goons, running through the Mardi Gras parade, eventually landing at the Kiss Kiss Club. Volpe dances with Bond, trying to get him to surrender, but when Bond sees an assassin in the distance about to shoot his face off, he spins so that Volpe catches the bullet instead.

With 14 hours, 50 minutes until the zero hour, Bond and Felix search for the plane, finally finding it under water. Although the plane is there, the bombs are not. Bond finds Domino and chats with her, finally telling her her brother is dead due to the orders of Largo.Upon learning this, she agrees to help. Bond gives her his Gieger Counter and tells her to signal him or Felix when the bombs are aboard the Disco Volante.

Bond camps out where Largo and his cronies will get ready to dive underwater to deliver the bombs. When no one’s looking, he knocks out a sucker and changes into his scuba gear. The bad guys successfully board the bombs aboard Largo’s yacht. On board, Domino is caught with the Gieger Counter. This doesn’t sit well with Largo, who ties her up and wants information about Bond. Just before he can cause her “great pain”, he is notified the bombs are being activated. Bond somehow learns that Largo wants to destroy Miami Beach and tells Felix to get his men into action.

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Felix sends in some United States Coast Guard dudes to parachute down into the area. They are soon met by Largo’s henchmen and a harpoon underwater shoot-out begins. Bond joins the battle and helps out the Coast Guard, and in the end, the bad henchmen surrender. Bond catches Largo trying to get away and gives chase. Largo makes it back to the Disco Volante, but Bond gets on as well. With Coast Guard boats chasing after him, Largo takes off like a mofo. With one bomb on board, he could still make a big, devastating explosion. Bond enters the cabin and exchanges fists with Largo and his bruisers. At the end of the fight, Bond is cornered and Largo’s got his gun pointed at him, but Largo is shot in the back by Domino before he can do anything. Bond and Domino jump off the boat just before it crash lands into some rocks and blows up into a billion pieces. They then hitch a ride via plane back to safety.

Things I like:

I can’t help but making a face any time I hear the world Thunderball, but don’t worry, it’s not all bad.

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Some of the best scenes in the film are between Bond and Largo. For example, when Bond plays baccarat against Largo at the casino, he says “So, it’s my specter against yours,” which, of course, peaks Largo’s interest. From the first they are secretly and subtly at each others throats, and their subtext-filled dialogue is quite entertaining throughout the entire movie. This comes up again when Bond visits Largo’s home for some lunch (which I’ll describe more about later).

Once again, the Bond girls are absolutely stunning. This time, we get Dominique “Domino” Duval and Fiona Vulpe. Domino might just run-of-the-mill eye candy, but Fiona plays a great sinister girl. After sleeping with her, she reveals herself to be evil. Bond is like “whaa?” and she says ” But of course, I forgot your ego, Mr. Bond. James Bond, the one where he has to make love to a woman, and she starts to hear heavenly choirs singing. She repents, and turns to the side of right and virtue, but not this one!” Evil to the end, she stands out as one of the coolest gals of the Connery era.

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Bond and Domino at the Mardi Gras
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The cold SPECTRE agent Ms. Volpe

Things I didn’t like:

Veteran Bond producer Michael G. Wilson said this when talking about the super-dud Die Another Day (number 20 on this countdown) “We keep trying to make another From Russia with Love, but end up making another Thunderball”. I can’t agree more with him that Thunderball is a stinker, and I’ll tell ya why.

For how intense the plot of Thunderball is, it is surprisingly dull. The ENTIRE movie has a time clock to destruction and I STILL can’t get excited about it. I think one reason for this is that there are so many damn, slow scuba scenes. It’s interesting to watch Bond sneak around a base, gun in hand, looking about. It’s different to watch him floating amidst a host of bubbles. In fact, I think that the numerous underwater sequences hurt Thunderball immensely, which leads me to the end of the film.

Thunderball‘s climax begins with a rousing scene of dudes parachuting down into the ocean, which is pretty damn awesome. Once the fight gets underwater, though, the excitement level drops from “awesome” to “this is boring”. I don’t know about you, but when I was younger, my friends and I would “fight” whilst underwater, doing slow-motion kicks and spins like we were from The Matrix. I couldn’t help but be reminded of this while watching the super-slow movements of the fighting divers in Thunderball. “Watch out for that guy going to punch you at like 40% his normal speed!” It’s so exciting! Like, goodness gracious. It wouldn’t be so bad perhaps if the scene wasn’t like eight gorram minutes of this. Yes, like eight minutes of guys fighting in faux-slow-motion underwater.

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Hurry, slowly punch that guy!

And even when Bond gets aboard the Disco Volante, the fight isn’t much better. Nearly EVERYTHING is sped up to make it look like it’s going faster and it just sucks. The last twenty minutes, man, total snoozer.

The Song:

Upon first hearing Tom Jones’ “Thunderball”, I have to admit I didn’t think too much of it. The brassy opening always seemed a bit screechy to me, but the track is soon saved by Jones’ smooth vocals, not to mention the vocal melody can get stuck in your head for days. And let’s not for get the chorus. “So he strikes!” DANANANANA! “like…Thundaaaaballlll…” Good stuff.

As with many Bond movies, there were, this time, TWO alternate songs that could have been used for the theme song. The first was “Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”, composed by Bond composer John Barry. Recorded by Shirley Bassey and then later Dionne Warwick, the movie studio didn’t dig it for whatever reason. Here’s Dionne Warwick’s version:

Additionally, Johnny Cash submitted a song to be the opening theme. What we get is a bizarre Western-type song that doesn’t fit the Bond mold in the slightest. To his defense, this was only the fourth movie, so the Bond “sound” hadn’t really been nailed yet, but seriously, what the hell? Give it a listen if interested.

Favorite Scene:

My favorite scene of the film might just have to be when Bond visits Largo at his house for some lunch. I already mentioned their repartee during the film entertaining, but it reaches its peak here. Bond shows off his shooting skills, Largo shows off his sharks and his henchman. Each man is sizing up the other, knowing full well that, in the end, they’ll have to confront each other. And that only one will survive.

Favorite Line:

Q can never catch a break when trying to tell 007 about all his new gadgets. Exceptionally annoyed by Bond’s antics this time, he admonishes “try to be a little less than your usual frivolous self, 007.” Hilarious.

Extra Tidbit:

The actual ideas for Thunderball were thought up by Fleming and Kevin McClory as a movie script. When their movie idea fizzled, Fleming wrote the novel “Thunderball”, using a huge percentage of the material. McClory sued and got some rights. Enough, in fact, to make his own version of Thunderball, which explains why 1983’s Never Say Never Again exists. Sean Connery returned as Bond in this unofficial Bond movie, which I guess means he’s been in Thunderball twice. (What?) And as it turns out, McClory tried to make Thunderball AGAIN in the late 90s, this time under the title Warhead 2000. Come on, man.

It would have been a masterpiece

Number 16 in the countdown can be found here!