James Bond Countdown: #13: Dr. No

October 26, 2012March 14, 2013 C.P.1 Comment

In preparation for November’s “Skyfall”, I’ll be counting down all the Bond movies from my least favorite to favorite. Twenty-two movies in all, so let’s get going! Warning: Spoilers below!

Number on countdown: 13

Title: Dr. No

Year: 1962

Synopsis:

Three blind men walk through a coastal town, sunglasses on and sticks waving. They make it to the Queens Club, where some dude named Strangways is playing cards. He tells his buddies he has to go check his calls, and passes the blind men as he approaches his car. He gives them some coins. They thank him by peppering him with bullets. Strangways’ body is then loaded into a hearse which speeds off. At Strangways’ place, his secretary calls London with a secret radio behind a bookshelf. She is promptly gunned down. The murderous men remove her body and then look through the file cabinet, pulling out the one labeled “Doctor No”.

In London, military radio dudes report that W6N, Kingston Jamiaca, broke contact just after they came up on routine transmission. The men quickly notify MI6. At the fancy-ass club Le Cercle, a man in a suit comes looking for James Bond. The receptionist won’t let him in because he’s not a member, but notifies the Bacarat-playing Bond, that there is someone there to see him. Bond lamentably leaves the table, and the very attractive Ms. Trench he’s playing with, but she follows, and they flirt a bit until Bond schedules a golf meet-up and dinner for tomorrow afternoon.

Bond returns to MI6 and greets Moneypenny, M’s secretary, with whom he playfully flirts. In his meeting with M, Bond learns that in addition to Strangways going off the air, he, and his secretary, have completely vanished. M explains that he was investigating an inquiry by the United States about interference with their Cape Canaveral rockets and that a CIA gentleman named Leiter was sent down there. Before he can set off to find out what’s happening, Bond is then given his new gun, the Walther PPK, and leaves the office. Bond returns to his flat and senses something amiss. Gun drawn, he opens a door, only to find Ms. Trench, dressed scantily in one of his shirts, playing golf on his carpet. Sadly, he’s going to have to miss their date, but they have just enough time to mess around.

Bond arrives in Jamaica the next morning. While walking through the airport, a foxy lady tries to take a photo of him, but he puts his hat in front of his face. A moment later, he is greeted by Mr. Jones, who Universal Exports sent to pick him up. Bond phones “Universal Exports”, asks if they have sent a car for him, and learns they had not. Bond, most skeptical of this pick-up, goes along anyway and tells the driver to just “take him for a ride”. Someone in sunglasses follows the them, so Bond encourages he take the next turn off on the right. He does, and here, Bond pulls out his Walther and asks who he is working for. After a bit of roughing up, Mr. Jones agrees to talk, but not before dying from a bite of his cyanide-cigarette.

Later, Bond meets with some old guy and discuss the Mr. Jones, who, although not idenfied, is not a Kingston man. Bond wants to meet with the last people who saw Strangways, the old fellas at the Queens Club, and plans to meet them socially there that evening. Bond investigates Stragways’ place and finds a photo of Strangways with a man. Some guy indicates the man is a friend of Strangways. Bond indicates this is the man who drove the car that tailed him.

At the Queen’s Club, Strangways’ buddies talk about him (and his foxy secretary, who Professor Dent says was “nice”). From his friends, he learns that Strangways was fishing about every day, an expensive venture since Quarrel, a Cayman Islander with a boat down in the harbor, charges so darn much to go out on the water. Bond goes to meet Quarrel but is confronted by sarcasm and wise-ass-ness when trying to get leads on Strangways. Bond follows the stand-offish Quarrel to a cantina, where he agrees they can talk in private. After some knife and gun drawings, Bond has Quarrel against the wall. The man with sunglasses arrives with gun in hand, but reveals himself to be Felix Leiter of the CIA, with whom Quarrel is working.

That evening, the three men sit in the cantina. Felix explains that Cape Canaveral is going apeshit because with their current rocket schedule, they don’t want anything to go wrong. Bond says that Strangways didn’t think the interference was coming from Kingston. Quarrel says that Strangways and him checked out all the areas and islands and found nothing, except for one, called Crab Key. Before Felix can explain why it’s dangerous to go there, the foxy lady from the airport snaps a picture of all of them. They apprehend her, but after refusing to talk, let her go (but not before exposing the film). The three get back to talking about Crab Key, which belongs to a Chinese fella named Doctor No who doesn’t allow anyone to land there. Quarrel says Stragnways and him went to go collect samples of rock, sand, and water and took them to Professor Dent.

The next day, Bond goes to see Dent at his office. There, Bond questions him about some rocks Strangways left for him for “examination.” Dent says that there was nothing special about the rocks, and thus, he had thrown them away. Dent tells Bond he doesn’t know the origin of the samples, and that it’s geologically impossible that they came from Crab Key. After Bond;s visit, Dent rushes off to Crab Key, where he is instructed by the PA-system voice of Doctor No to kill Bond and not fail me again. Dent leaves with a big-ass spider and plans to kill Bond that evening.

That night, Bond is side-tracked from trying to sleep by a massive tarantula crawling on his body. Not one to flinch at such things, Bond waits until it crawls onto his pillow, then kills the fucker with his shoe. The next morning, Bond visits the Kingston MI6 guy and asks for the folder on Doctor No. Ms. Taro, his assistant, tells them the Doctor No folder is completely gone. Before Bond leaves, he pays Ms. Taro a visit, catching her listening through keyhole. Through some flirts, he makes a date for her to show him around the island. A little later, Bond fucks with a Geiger counter at Quarrel’s boat. Here they learn that Stragnways’ samples were radioactive, even though Dent had told Bond it was useless iron ore. (Hmm…) Bond tells Quarrel he wants to get to Crab Key, but Quarrel says he’s a little frightened because there’s a dragon there. Bond is like “srsly?”, and after some talkin’, Quarrel agrees to take Bond there at seven in the evening.

Bond is chased by a giant projector screen

On his way to Mrs. Taro’s, Bond is tailed by a sinister hearse, which ends in the hearse flying off a cliff and then blowing the hell up. He arrives at 2171 Magenta Drive and Ms. Taro is surprised to see him (alive). After kissing a couple times, Ms. Taro takes a call in her bedroom, a call dealing with how and Bond is still alive. Bond comes in the room, causing the call to end in a friendly lie, and the two mess around. Afterwards, Bond calls for a taxi to drive them into town. The taxi arrives and Ms. Taro gets in, only to see one of Bond’s allies in the car. The taxi takes off. With the dubious Ms. Taro gone, Bond enters the house and sets up the bed with pillows to make it look like he’s sleeping there (like Ferris Bueller) and silently waits.He doesn’t have to wait long until someone shoots six shots into the pillows. It’s Professor Dent, who, after some words, Bond shoots.

Bond, Quarrel, and Felix make it out to Crab Key, but only Bond and Quarrel reach the shore stash their dinghy in a hidden place. After that, Bond naps, but is soon woken up by lady singing. The curious Bond goes to check out who’s singing, only to find a hot blonde in a white bikini picking shells whose name is Honey Rider. She explains that she always sails up on here to get shells, and even though the baddies tried to catch her before, they couldn’t. Quarrel arrives and tells them a high-power boat is coming their way, so they all jump for cover in the palm trees.

The boat comes around, and after our heroes fail to surrender, the boat opens fire. After an unsuccessful round of ammo, the boat takes off, promising they’ll be back with their dogs. As the boat zooms away, Honey reinforces that there is a dragon on the island, which leads Bond to roll his eyes. Upon finding Honey’s boat damaged, the three travel through a mosquito-infested pond in hopes of hiding. While Quarrel keeps watch for the dragon, Bond and Honey talk, and Bond learns that she thinks Dr. No killed her father, a marine biologist who went to Crab Key to check shit out and never returned. Honey tried to get help from her landlord in Kingston, but instead of helping her, helped himself. Afterwards, she scratched his face and let her black widow spider do the job of killing him. Before Bond can answer if he has his own woman, Quarrel comes and says the dragon is a’comin. Bond finally sees the dragon, which turns out to be nothing but a painted tank with some flamethrowers on it. In the ensuing fight, Quarrel, who thought it a good idea to hide behind a damn bush, gets burnt to shit. A man then pops out of the dragon and advises Honey and Bond that, unless they “want another navel”, they should come with them.

Bond and Honey are brought to a lab where everyone is wearing hazmat suits and find out they are contaminated with radiation. After taking a shower to get all that radioactive crap off, they are welcomed into a big structure, offered cigarettes, and shown to their rooms. After drinking some drugged coffee and taking a nap, the two are invited to dinner. Judging from the plant life and artificial light through the aquarium-window, the room could be up to 200 feet below the sea level. Before they can chat more, Dr. No himself introduces himself.

Dr. No apologizes for not shaking hands, since he has nothing but black, metal, claw hands. Over dinner, Dr. No explains that he was an unwanted child of a German missionary and a Chinese woman, but through hard work, became a bigwig in the Chinese crime syndicates. He stole ten million dollars in gold and used it to create his Crab Key headquarters. Bond also learns that Dr. No is a part of SPECTRE, a massive criminal group led by the brightest (criminal) minds in the world. Dr. No regrets that he let Bond live, thinking that he might want to join SPECTRE, and seeing that he doesn’t, tells his men to “soften him up.”

Bond finds himself in a jail cell but quickly escapes through the vents, eventually making it to the decontamination room, where he hijacks a hazmat suit and starts walkin’ around. He enters in the main control room, where Dr. No and his fuckers are planning to disrupt an imminent space shuttle launch. Hazmat Bond is ordered to turn up the reactor to 25 during the countdown, but he turns it up way more and fights off anyone who tries to stop him. The base starts going apeshit and everyone abandons the area. Dr. No attacks Bond right above a radioactive pool. Dr. No eventually falls down, and grabs the scaffolding to save himself. His metal hands slide against the metal, however, and he falls in. With Dr. No dead, Bond tracks down Honey and finds her, both of them escaping the base before it explodes.

Felix Leiter soon finds them in their little boat and offers them a tow back to land. Bond agrees, but once him and Honey start making out, he lets the tow go, leaving Bond and Honey with nothing but their boat and the motion of the ocean.

Things I like:

I’ve explained before in this countdown that I usually like the biggie, more grandiose, semi-ridiculous Bonds the best. While the Bond series would range to super-ridiculous to super-serious, Dr. No can be appreciated for just how damn simple it is. Watching it for the first time after seeing all the other Bond movies, it was like watching a video of a singer before they were famous. Y’know, those videos online of Lady Gaga, sans make-up and costumes, simply playing piano in a nightclub somewhere. Before all the frills and gadgets, the women and the extravagant bases, and before any even knew what a Bond movie should be, we had this simple mystery movie. And despite there nothing exaggerated, one can see all the elements that would come along later to define Bond: the Bond girl, the Bond theme, the secret lairs, and the calm, master-mind super-villains. Dr. No is great fun to watch in both in terms of entertainment, but also in terms of context. It’s a movie that had no idea it would spawn twenty-one more. If you told Connery and crew when they were making the movie in 1962, that they’d be making the twenty-third Bond movie in fifty years, they’d call you fucking crazy. And that’s what so fun about Dr. No. They had no idea what they were starting.

I really have to commend the screenwriters here for an excellent script. Bond’s signature is the double entendre and the subtle wit, but it’s on display here in almost every conversation. Bond’s conversations with Ms. Trench are Ms. Taro are laden with sexual tension . Bond’s first meeting with Quarrel is full of witty remarks. Dr. No and Bond’s dinner is like a verbal fencing match. It’s all absolutely superb. And in commending the script, one must commend the actors for bringing it to life in such a convincing way.

Dr. No is great in context with other Bond movies, but also in everything else. The deaths are ridiculously tame. In the swamp, Bond creeps up on a guard who has a gun at the ready. Bond sneaks up behind him, putting his hand over the guards mouth, and the guard dies. Hilarious. Very different from the Rambo-esque takedowns of Brosnan and the strained stranglings of Craig. In addition to tame deaths, there is a scene in which Honey Rider explains why she can’t abandon her shells. She tells Bond that the one she is holding would be worth fifty dollars in Miami. Fifty dollars? Fifty dollars doesn’t get you shit nowadays. Her shell in Miami would now cost $366.72, just enough to buy two James Bond 50th anniversary Blu Ray releases. (With the remaining money, she could buy these albums).

And lastly, I really like this shot below. I know it looks kind of lame just as a picture, but with Bond being tailed, and the wind blowing his hat around, it’s a pretty badass shot. Maybe I’ll steal it someday if I ever get around to making a movie.

Things I didn’t like:

In being the first Bond film, I can forgive it not having some of those classic Bond elements. I guess my biggest complaint would have to be this stupid dragon everyone is talking about. At first I thought it kind of cool that there was a superstition about Crab Key, some fire-breathing dragon, roaming the jungles, setting fire to those who trespass. But when Quarrel finds what are obviously tire tracks, him and Honey believe they’re dragon tracks. Are they fucking stupid? Bond tells them that they didn’t see a dragon, but something that looked like one. And sure, maybe it REALLY did look like a dragon to them. And hey, maybe it might look like a dragon to us, too. But it looks like this:

I mean, maybe if it looked like Robosaurus, I could understand, but…I mean, look at it. Like, are you fucking serious? In addition to looking like that, it makes engine noises. I’m no expert on dragons, but I’m pretty sure they don’t sound like cars. And what’s dumb about this is that it makes both Quarrel and Honey look fucking stupid. Up until then, Honey had wielded her knife and told Bond she killed a man. Quarrel was a toughie who was working with the CIA. But now they’re just dumbasses who thought that was a real dragon. And if Quarrel wasn’t stupid enough now, he decides to shoot at it from behind a bush. Either Quarrel forgot that fire can BURN THROUGH BUSHES, or he’s the stupidest person in the Caribbean. Oh well, the movie is fifty years old, so whatever.

The Song:

Since the idea of the “Bond song” didn’t yet exist, Dr. No simply uses the James Bond theme we all know and love. There’s not much to say about it except that it rocks, and has continued to rock for fifty years and twenty-two movies. The Bond character and the song are so linked, that we can’t imagine Bond without it. Never Say Never Again, the unofficial Bond movie from 1983, wasn’t allowed to use it. As one person said “You’re watching a movie where the main character is James Bond, but it’s not a Bond movie without the song”, or something like that. Thank you Monty Norman for taking your song, originally written for some dumb play, and turning it into one of the best themes in movie history.

Favorite Scene:

While the scene where Honey Rider in her white bikini is definitely the most iconic scene from the film, my favorite has to be the the dinner scene between Bond, Honey, and Dr. No. After an hour and a half of hearing about Dr. No and his dealings, we finally get to meet him and his subtle, criminal genius. The writing here is excellent, with nearly everything said being a jab in disguise or a means to provoke. For example, when Dr. No enters the dinner chambers, he mentions his aquarium and how he designed it, making the glass convex and ten inches thick to create a magnifying effect. Bond then says “Minnows pretending to be whales. Just like you on this island,” to which Dr. No replies “It depends, Mr. Bond, on what side of the glass you are.” A couple minutes later, Bond asks quite blunt “Does the toppling of American missiles really compensate for having no hands?” Great, great stuff.

Favorite Line:

Even though the aforementioned dinner scene is my favorite scene, my favorite line comes from the famous Honey Rider intro. Upon meeting him, she asks “What are you doing here? Looking for shells?” to which he replies, “No, I’m just looking”. Genius.

Extra Tidbit:

Bond, played for the first time ever by Sean Connery, keeps telling his dumbass allies there is no such thing as dragons. He would later voice a dragon thirty-two years later in the 1995 movie Dragonheart.

Next one in the countdown coming…sometime!

James Bond Countdown: #14: You Only Live Twice

August 27, 2012March 7, 2013 C.P.Leave a comment

Number on Countdown: 14

Title: You Only Live Twice

Year: 1967

Synopsis:

Jupiter 16, a United States-ian space shuttle, sits around up in space with astronauts aboard talking some technobabble to NASA. Their conversation subject changes to an unidentified flying object coming toward them. The astronaut named Chris is very astounded to see it’s another space craft, and one who’s tip opens up like the mouth of a giant alligator. The mysterious ship envelops the American one. The Americans to think it was the Russians. At some international meeting, a British guy says that the shuttle went back down into the sea of Japan, and perhaps that is where they should focus their intelligence instead of just pointing fingers. He explains he already has a guy working on it right now: James Bond, who, after having some love-time with a lady, gets gunned down in the bed.

Bond’s funeral is carried out on a British ship (or something), and after the ceremony, they chuck his body into the sea. His coffin is soon recovered by scuba divers, who bring it back to a submarine. Aboard the sub, Bond exits his coffin and asks permission to come aboard. In a nautical version of M’s office,Bond discusses some stuff with his boss. M also thinks that the staging of Bond’s death will make his enemies more willing to try shit. He also tells Bond that the American space shuttle did not land in Russia, but rather Japan. Since the Japanese are not yet equipped to launch a shuttle at this time, it’s up to Bond to find out what’s up. He’s told to go to Tokyo and meet with a guy named Henderson. Upon leaving, Moneypenny flirts with him but Bond deflects (once again).

Bond arrives in Tokyo and is soon spotted by some girl on the street, who whispers into her equipped-with-audio-equipment purse. Bond is enjoying a sumo wrestling match when a mysterious girl sits down next to him. Bond gives her the MI6 password and she says she’ll take him to Henderson. After some doubts, the girl takes him to see Henderson, an old gray-haired dude with a rubbery face.

Henderson has lived in Japan for twenty-eight years, and tells Bond that his best contact will be Tanaka, head of the Japanese Secret Service. He tells Bond that he thinks the spacecraft is here in Japan, but neither Russia or Japan are responsible. Before he tells Bond anymore of his ideas, he is knifed in the back. Bond chases after the assailant and kills him, spotting his crime-buddy in a getaway car. Bond takes the dead man’s coat and hat and climbs into the back of the car. The car drives to Osato Chemical and Engineering Company. While appearing knocked out, Bond is carried upstairs, where Bond’s identity is soon revealed and they fight. After some violent interior re-decorating, Bond takes a shot of vodka then finds a safe. He sets off the alarm by stealing some documents and a picture inside, but runs for it. Outside the building, the girl from the sumo wrestling match pulls up in a car and tells him to get in.

Bond wants some info from her, but she won’t give it, and upon parking, she books it. Bond chases after her, eventually falling down a trap door, sliding down a big slide and landing quite comically into a chair. A chair in Tanaka’s office, that is. Tanaka introduces himself and Bond shares with him the Osato documents. On the documents, they find big orders for Lox, which is either a bunch of smoked salmon or Liquid Oxygen, which makes rocket fuel. Bond learns the girl’s name is Aki before investigating the picture, which depicts a ship known as the Ning-Po, a small boat of divers, and a distinct coastline. The two then head to Tanaka’s place and during a bath, bring up that Osato is just a front and that SPECTRE could be an organization behind the entire thing. Aki comes around later. Bond and her mess around.

The next morning, Bond (as Mr. Fisher) meets with Mr. Osato, head of the Osato place. Mr. Osato and his red-head secretary and Ms. Brandt arrive soon via helicopter. Bond confidently poses as a head of some chemical company, but Osato x-rays him during the chat and sees he’s carrying guns. Osato orders Mr. Fisher killed as Bond exits. Before baddies can deliver the shot, Aki comes in saves him again. The gunmen chase after them in their car, but Aki calls Tanaka for “the usual reception, please.” Just when the baddies are closing in, a helicopter flies above them and attaches a giant magnet to their roof. The helicopter then flies over the sea, car in tow, and drops them into the water. Bond then tells Tanaka to contact M and bring “Little Nellie” and her father.

Bond and Aki find the Ning-Po at some dock and while doing some investigating, find some liquid oxygen. They are soon attacked, and Bond lets Aki slip away while he takes on some jerks. Although he gets away, he is whapped in the head and taken to SPECTRE Number 11 (Ms. Brandt). Aboard the Ning-Po, Brandt questions him and threatens to skin him alive. Bond reveals to her that he is a spy, and will split some money with her if she can get him back to Tokyo. Promising her safeguard in Europe, she agrees and kisses him. Then they get it on.

Bond and Brandt fly back to Tokyo, but mid flight, she traps him in the plane and dives off with a parachute. Bond escapes his confines and crash-lands the plane, running out before it blows the hell up. Seemingly unshaken, Bond meets Tanaka and Aki for lunch. Tanaka has identified the coastline in the photo as one belonging to a small island called Matsu. Although his people shadowed the Ning-Po during the night, they were not sure if it stopped at the island (it was, like, really dark). Two photos of the ship, however, one taken the night before and one the next morning, show that the ship lost a lot of cargo during the night. It had to have dropped it off somewhere! Bond meets with Little Nellie, a little autogyro, and her “father”, Q. Q has no time for 007’s quips and explains all of Little Nellie’s weapons before Bond takes it flying above Matsu. He sees nothing but volcanoes, and a squad of villainous helicopters. He dispatches them with fire, gun, and missile.

Meanwhile, Russia launches a shuttle into space. It is quickly intercepted by the same mysterious ship that swallowed the American one, which soon flies down to Earth and nears one of the volcanoes on Matsu. One of the volcanoes’ water pit is actually fake, and is instead a retractable roof, which opens up, revealing inside a massive base and crew teams running around. Brandt and Osato are there, as well is a man petting his white cat, which we all know is SPECTRE number 1: Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Blofeld is displeased to find that Osato and Brandt let James Bond escape, even though it was in all the papers that he was dead. Osato is let go, but Brandt is fed to Blofeld’s ill-tempered piranha fish.

Bond meets Tanaka at his ninja-training school, where tons of youthful gents the art of concealment and badassery. Tanaka’s plan is to have one hundred of his ninjas sneak onto the island unseen and for Bond himself to become Japanese and train as a ninja. He also suggests Bond to take a wife. He wants Aki, but Tanaka explains that’s impossible, and that he must marry some other lady. After becoming Japanese (having his chest waxed, getting a wig, etc), Bond settles down for some z’s with Aki. A ninja sneaks in and while tries to poison Bond. Aki is poisoned by mistake and the ninjas starts his exit. Aki’s coughing stirs Bond awake, and although he kills the ninja, she cannot be saved. The next day, Bond takes his Japanese wife, Tanaka’s agent Kissy Suzuki, and afterwards, they all sail to Matsu.

Tanaka informs Bond that the Americans are launching another shuttle tonight at midnight (Japanese time) and that if it is incepted, they will start war with Russia. This sens Bond and co. to go into overdrive. Kissy and him go to investigate a sketchy cave, which leads them to start investigating a nearby volcano. While stopping to rest (and kiss), the two witness a helicopter heading toward the volcano and heading down inside. With furrowed brows, the two investigate and find out the volcano’s water is of metal. Bond sends Kissy back to get Tanaka and his buddies while he stays behind and checks things out.

$1500 a month, nice neighborhood, cats/dogs ok

Bond suction-cup-climbs his way down into the base and finds the captive American astronauts as Blofeld prepares SPECTRE’s intercepting-shuttle for space. Bond poses as one of the SPECTRE astronauts and almost boards, but hears “Stop that astronaut!” over the PA before he can get on. Blofeld instructs to send the reserve astronaut as Bond is brought before him. In his control room, Blofeld explains that he made a crucial error, that no astronaut would enter a shuttle with his air conditioner (whatever that means). The countdown begins as the SPECTRE shuttle goes into space to incite some war.

Although SPECTRE’s shuttle is bound for space, that doesn’t stop Tanaka and his ninjas from raiding the base. With the help of Bond’s opening of the crater-hatch, Tanaka’s ninjas rope themselves down and cause chaos. Gunfire and explosions fill the lair. More ninjas drop down as the shuttle-interception time reaches eight minutes. Blofeld leads Bond and Mr. Osato away from the fray, shooting Mr. Osato for failing him. Blofeld tries to shoot Bond, but Tanaka throws a ninja star at his hand and the shot goes wide. Blofeld escapes and Bond joins the gunfight.

Bond makes his way to the control room to stop the SPECTRE shuttle from intercepting the American one. At the last second, Bond destroys the SPECTRE shuttle. Yay! Somewhere in the base, Blofeld activates the self-destruct. Bond, Tanaka, and Kissy, and a bunch of ninjas escape from the inferno, swimming to some rafts laid out to them by some allies. Thinking no one will ever find them, Bond starts making out with Kissy. Turns out their raft was right under M’s submarine. M tells Moneypenny to have him come down to report. “It will be a pleasure, sir.” she says.

Things I like:

For the first time in this countdown, there are actually more things I like about the movie than dislike, which is, quite honestly, a nice change. I’ve gone over the hump and am now in the land of Bond-enjoyablility. Awesome. So what do I like about Bond’s fifth entry, You Only Live Twice?

First off, I have to say I love Blofeld’s awesome hollowed-out volcano lair. Nowadays, this might all be done with CGI, but they actually built this thing! It stood 184 feet tall and featured a fully-functioning helipad monorail. So fucking awesome. Not only do I love the entire set, but the entire climax the takes place there. Gunfights, carts running along tracks, ninjas dropping in from the ceiling… it’s fantastic. My favorite Bond climaxes have always been those that end in huge gunfights. Whether it’s Brosnan going Rambo in Tomorrow Never Dies or the massive gunfight in The Spy Who Loved Me, those climaxes are sure to thrill, and You Only Live Twice does not disappoint. And Blofeld’s cat’s freakout to a squib going off is absolutely hilarious. Look at its face!

Usually in a Bond movie, Bond is whisked off to multiple locations around the globe. While taking down a baddie, he might head to Madagascar, then Montenegro, and then Venice. Or from Russia to Cuba. Or to some place and Instanbul and some other place. This time, however, Bond stays put in Japan. While the idea of Bond sticking around in one place and not trotting the globe might sound boring, it’s actually pretty nice. I feel like we get a bit deeper into the culture of where we are visiting. Usually, Bond is just “shooting in and out” of places, hardly sticking around long enough to share any real cultural experiences. This time we get a quasi-cultural profile of Japan (y’know, in a Disney “it’s a small world” kind of way) Even though it’s a little embarrassing by today’s standards of what’s acceptable stereotyping, it’s still fun to see Tokyo, some baths, ninjas, and a wedding ceremony. In no other Bond movie do we delve into a location or its unique customs so much. As I said, it’s a little 1960’s in approach, but I enjoy the extra depth.

Things I didn’t like:

There isn’t too much I dislike about You Only Live Twice, with only one real gripe coming to mind. Up until Aki’s death, Aki was the leading Bond girl and his lady during the mission. She had already saved him twice and led him directly to Tanaka. He even sacrificed himself so she could get away. Even when Bond has to choose a Japanese wife, he wants Aki. We get that Bond legitimately likes Aki, and that she’ll be by his side for the duration of the movie. Unfortunately, she catches whiff of some ninja-poison and dies. Bond then “marries” one of Tanaka’s agents, Kissy Suzuki, with whom he teams up and eventually kisses a whole bunch of times.

I don’t know about you, but I always felt Bond’s forgetting of Aki to be a little quick. I mean, I know he is Bond, and tough, and has little room to be sad about shit, but come on, she just died like five minutes ago! Sure, it might follow with Bond’s character, but what about the audience? Am I just supposed to accept this new Bond girl who came out of nowhere halfway through the movie? I mean, there was excellent build between Bond and Aki, which all just ends rather abruptly. I don’t think Aki is ever even menitoned in the movie after this. Did they lose the actress or something? Why does no one care about her? Oh well, whatever.

The Song:

“You Only Live Twice”, composed by John Barry and sung by Nancy Sinatra, is, I think, one of the prettiest and nicest Bond themes. The classic John Barry strings, the musical, oriental flowerings, and Nancy Sinatra’s voice come together so nicely. It’s an absolute delight to hear it during the film’s score as well. It’s sweeping and romantic, just what a storming by ninjas needs.

Not only do I like the music, but the lyrics as well, especially the first lines: “You only live twice, or so it seems, one life for yourself, and one for your dreams”. I completely agree with this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not stupid, I know that we only live once (Bill Nye told me), but we all do kind of live a second life for our dreams, don’t we? In real life, I’m just a dime-a-dozen aspiring writer/director/musician/anything in the Los Angeles area, but in my dreams, I’m a lot more. In our dreams, we’re always that person we want to be, and I think that every time we day-dream or have a hope, we’re living for our dreams. So hey, maybe we really do live twice. Once in the world and once in the world created in our heads. I really like that idea. Just don’t go living too much in your dreams now.

Favorite Scene:

Although I don’t like the Little Nellie all that much, the scene in which Bond uses it to dispatch some enemy helicopters is pretty damn awesome. I don’t know if it’s what Bond actually does during the scene that makes it cool, or the fact that the entire sequence is underscored by a chopped-up-and-re-arranged James Bond theme. Good action scenes are cool, but the James Bond them is just that extra ingredient that makes them great. We love Bond for his gadgets, know-how, and swagger, and we love seeing our hero do what he does best set to the Monty Norman/added John Barry orchestration masterpiece. It really is a great scene. And to think, no CGI at all! If you’ve got three minutes, check it out:

Favorite Line:

This time, my favorite line is actually the title of the film. After Blofeld sees Bond in his control room, he asks Bond if he is back from the dead. Bond replies “This is my second life”, to which Blofeld says “You only live twice, Mr. Bond.” Great delivery of the line, too.

Extra Tidbit:

In the beginning of the film, Bond is schmoozing with some girl played by actress Tsai Chin. Tsai Chin would appear in Casino Royale 39 years later as a poker player. Crazy!

Find out which Bond movie comes next in the countdown by clicking HERE!

James Bond Countdown: #17: Thunderball

August 12, 2012October 12, 2012 C.P.Leave a comment

In preparation for November’s “Skyfall”, I’ll be counting down all the Bond movies from my least favorite to favorite. Twenty-two movies in all, so let’s get going! Warning: Spoilers for countdown movie below.

Number on Countdown: 17

Title: Thunderball

Year: 1965

Synopsis:

Bond is chillin’ at the funeral of Colonel Jacques Bouvar, a SPECTRE agent, who killed a couple of his colleagues. Bond follows Mrs. Bouvar back to her place, and upon greeting her, punches her in the face. Turns out it’s not Mrs. Bouvar, but Jacques himself. After a fight and killing Bouvar, Bond escapes with the use of a super-awesome jetpack, which “no well dressed man should be without.”

In Paris, a well-dressed man wearing an eye-patch enters into some building, and after some pleasantries, enters through a secret doorway, leading to a massive room, where some men sit around. The eye-patch man, revealed soon to be SPECTRE Number 2, takes his seat. At the start of the meeting, the cat-petting über-boss from From Russia With Love, tells all that Number 6, Jacques Bouvar, has been killed by an unknown assassin and this services will be missed. Number 2 then sheds some light on the NATO project, the biggest plan SPECTRE has ever attempted, which is to hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Number 2 has sent SPECTRE agent Count Lippe to the south of England (at a clinic near a NATO base) where he’s making the final preparations.

Turns out, Bond is at the same clinic, getting some R & R. After seeing a mysterious symbol of a tattoo on Count Lippe’s arm, it urges Bond to do some investigating of Lippe’s room. He doesn’t see him there, but Lippe’s bandaged-up-face neighbor sees Bond and is like “hmm..” Bond asks the physiotherapist who the bandaged man is, but reveals she doesn’t know much about him. She then ties Bond to some back-traction machine and leaves the room. Lippe turns the back-traction machine on full blast, leaving Bond trapped. And for dead. Luckily, the physiotherapist returns to turn off the machine and save Bond. Then he plays an über-sleaze and has her sleep with him so he won’t tell her boss.

Photobucket — And then happily massages her with his mink glove

In a nearby hotel, NATO pilot François Derval is making out with this super foxy lady when he has to get going. He opens the door, shocked to see another, well, him, and another him that shoots him in the face with toxic gas. Turns out the other him is a dude named Angelo who’s spent two years of his life turning himself into Derval with voice lessons, tape viewings, and plastic surgery. The foxy lady is actually SPECTRE agent Fiona Volpe, and makes sure Angelo replaces Derval for his upcoming flight. They wrap the dead Derval in bandages and put him back at the clinic. Bond finds the dead Derval as the fake one hijacks the airplane carrying two nukes. Angelo flies the plane straight to a SPECTRE ship waiting offshore. He sets the plane down underwater. SPECTRE sends down divers obtain the nukes. Oh, and kill Angelo.

Bond is called to the London office, as is every 00 agent. Number 1 has sent a tape to the powers that be that roughly states “give us 100 million pounds upon this date or we’ll use these nukes to blow up a major city in England or the U.S.” They agree to pay the baddies if they can’t somehow stop them within the allotted time. Bond, upon learning that the dead Derval’s sister is in Nassau, suggests he should go and check her out.

Bond immediately finds her, Dominique “Domino” Derval, and makes contact. Over some conch chowder, Bond learns she has a guardian, and one with a big-ass yacht. Later that night, Bond plays the eye-patch man, named Emelio Largo, in baccarat and kicks his ass. Bond chats with Domino again and learns she’s his mistress. Largo leaves with Domino, but not before inviting Bond to have lunch at his house.

Later, after thwarting some thug in his room, Bond meets up with trusty ally Felix Leiter of the CIA. Bond sends the thug back to Largo, who just feeds him to his sharks. Bond then visits a hideout where Q gives him all his nifty gadgets. With only 55 hours until the ransom is due, Bond investigates the Emelio’s ship, the Disco Volante. After nearly dying, Bond gets away with some revealing photographs. Later, Bond and Felix develop the photos and go about finding the lost NATO airplane, but have no luck in finding it.

Later, Bond goes to Largo’s place for some lunch. After showing off his dangerous, ravenous sharks, Largo suggest that Domino take Bond to Junkanoo, the local Mardi Gras. A little later, Bond returns to his room to find Volpe there, and after sexual negotiations, she reveals herself to be a baddie. On his way to “an interesting conversation”, Bond escapes Volpe and her goons, running through the Mardi Gras parade, eventually landing at the Kiss Kiss Club. Volpe dances with Bond, trying to get him to surrender, but when Bond sees an assassin in the distance about to shoot his face off, he spins so that Volpe catches the bullet instead.

With 14 hours, 50 minutes until the zero hour, Bond and Felix search for the plane, finally finding it under water. Although the plane is there, the bombs are not. Bond finds Domino and chats with her, finally telling her her brother is dead due to the orders of Largo.Upon learning this, she agrees to help. Bond gives her his Gieger Counter and tells her to signal him or Felix when the bombs are aboard the Disco Volante.

Bond camps out where Largo and his cronies will get ready to dive underwater to deliver the bombs. When no one’s looking, he knocks out a sucker and changes into his scuba gear. The bad guys successfully board the bombs aboard Largo’s yacht. On board, Domino is caught with the Gieger Counter. This doesn’t sit well with Largo, who ties her up and wants information about Bond. Just before he can cause her “great pain”, he is notified the bombs are being activated. Bond somehow learns that Largo wants to destroy Miami Beach and tells Felix to get his men into action.

Felix sends in some United States Coast Guard dudes to parachute down into the area. They are soon met by Largo’s henchmen and a harpoon underwater shoot-out begins. Bond joins the battle and helps out the Coast Guard, and in the end, the bad henchmen surrender. Bond catches Largo trying to get away and gives chase. Largo makes it back to the Disco Volante, but Bond gets on as well. With Coast Guard boats chasing after him, Largo takes off like a mofo. With one bomb on board, he could still make a big, devastating explosion. Bond enters the cabin and exchanges fists with Largo and his bruisers. At the end of the fight, Bond is cornered and Largo’s got his gun pointed at him, but Largo is shot in the back by Domino before he can do anything. Bond and Domino jump off the boat just before it crash lands into some rocks and blows up into a billion pieces. They then hitch a ride via plane back to safety.

Things I like:

I can’t help but making a face any time I hear the world Thunderball, but don’t worry, it’s not all bad.

Some of the best scenes in the film are between Bond and Largo. For example, when Bond plays baccarat against Largo at the casino, he says “So, it’s my specter against yours,” which, of course, peaks Largo’s interest. From the first they are secretly and subtly at each others throats, and their subtext-filled dialogue is quite entertaining throughout the entire movie. This comes up again when Bond visits Largo’s home for some lunch (which I’ll describe more about later).

Once again, the Bond girls are absolutely stunning. This time, we get Dominique “Domino” Duval and Fiona Vulpe. Domino might just run-of-the-mill eye candy, but Fiona plays a great sinister girl. After sleeping with her, she reveals herself to be evil. Bond is like “whaa?” and she says ” But of course, I forgot your ego, Mr. Bond. James Bond, the one where he has to make love to a woman, and she starts to hear heavenly choirs singing. She repents, and turns to the side of right and virtue, but not this one!” Evil to the end, she stands out as one of the coolest gals of the Connery era.

Things I didn’t like:

Veteran Bond producer Michael G. Wilson said this when talking about the super-dud Die Another Day (number 20 on this countdown) “We keep trying to make another From Russia with Love, but end up making another Thunderball”. I can’t agree more with him that Thunderball is a stinker, and I’ll tell ya why.

For how intense the plot of Thunderball is, it is surprisingly dull. The ENTIRE movie has a time clock to destruction and I STILL can’t get excited about it. I think one reason for this is that there are so many damn, slow scuba scenes. It’s interesting to watch Bond sneak around a base, gun in hand, looking about. It’s different to watch him floating amidst a host of bubbles. In fact, I think that the numerous underwater sequences hurt Thunderball immensely, which leads me to the end of the film.

Thunderball‘s climax begins with a rousing scene of dudes parachuting down into the ocean, which is pretty damn awesome. Once the fight gets underwater, though, the excitement level drops from “awesome” to “this is boring”. I don’t know about you, but when I was younger, my friends and I would “fight” whilst underwater, doing slow-motion kicks and spins like we were from The Matrix. I couldn’t help but be reminded of this while watching the super-slow movements of the fighting divers in Thunderball. “Watch out for that guy going to punch you at like 40% his normal speed!” It’s so exciting! Like, goodness gracious. It wouldn’t be so bad perhaps if the scene wasn’t like eight gorram minutes of this. Yes, like eight minutes of guys fighting in faux-slow-motion underwater.

And even when Bond gets aboard the Disco Volante, the fight isn’t much better. Nearly EVERYTHING is sped up to make it look like it’s going faster and it just sucks. The last twenty minutes, man, total snoozer.

The Song:

Upon first hearing Tom Jones’ “Thunderball”, I have to admit I didn’t think too much of it. The brassy opening always seemed a bit screechy to me, but the track is soon saved by Jones’ smooth vocals, not to mention the vocal melody can get stuck in your head for days. And let’s not for get the chorus. “So he strikes!” DANANANANA! “like…Thundaaaaballlll…” Good stuff.

As with many Bond movies, there were, this time, TWO alternate songs that could have been used for the theme song. The first was “Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”, composed by Bond composer John Barry. Recorded by Shirley Bassey and then later Dionne Warwick, the movie studio didn’t dig it for whatever reason. Here’s Dionne Warwick’s version:

Additionally, Johnny Cash submitted a song to be the opening theme. What we get is a bizarre Western-type song that doesn’t fit the Bond mold in the slightest. To his defense, this was only the fourth movie, so the Bond “sound” hadn’t really been nailed yet, but seriously, what the hell? Give it a listen if interested.

Favorite Scene:

My favorite scene of the film might just have to be when Bond visits Largo at his house for some lunch. I already mentioned their repartee during the film entertaining, but it reaches its peak here. Bond shows off his shooting skills, Largo shows off his sharks and his henchman. Each man is sizing up the other, knowing full well that, in the end, they’ll have to confront each other. And that only one will survive.

Favorite Line:

Q can never catch a break when trying to tell 007 about all his new gadgets. Exceptionally annoyed by Bond’s antics this time, he admonishes “try to be a little less than your usual frivolous self, 007.” Hilarious.

Extra Tidbit:

The actual ideas for Thunderball were thought up by Fleming and Kevin McClory as a movie script. When their movie idea fizzled, Fleming wrote the novel “Thunderball”, using a huge percentage of the material. McClory sued and got some rights. Enough, in fact, to make his own version of Thunderball, which explains why 1983’s Never Say Never Again exists. Sean Connery returned as Bond in this unofficial Bond movie, which I guess means he’s been in Thunderball twice. (What?) And as it turns out, McClory tried to make Thunderball AGAIN in the late 90s, this time under the title Warhead 2000. Come on, man.

Number 16 in the countdown can be found here!

James Bond Countdown: #18: From Russia With Love

August 7, 2012August 27, 2012 C.P.Leave a comment

In preparation for November’s “Skyfall”, I’ll be counting down all the Bond movies from my least favorite to favorite. Twenty-two movies in all, so let’s get going! Note: Spoilers for countdown movie ahead!

Number on Countdown: 18

Title: From Russia With Love

Year: 1963

Synopsis:

We begin this time with a stiff-faced Bond maneuvering around a dark garden, gun held out. A moment later, Bond is strangled by a man dressed all in black. Just as Bond breathes his last, massive flood lights come on, revealing a large house full of people. Some Russian guy comes forward to the man in black, a tall, buff blond guy, and gives him his time. He then reaches down and removes the mask of 007’s face from some unknown guy with a mustache.

Later, Kronsteen, member (and “Number 3”) of the villainous organization SPECTRE, plans to steal a Lektor decoder machine from the Russians. In order to exact his plan, he’ll have to use a female from the Russian cryptography section in Istanbul and someone from the British Secret Service, both of whom will have no idea they’re actually helping SPECTRE. Rosa Klebb, this old mean lady (who used to work for Russia’s SMERSH but has defected to SPECTRE and is their “Number 5”), has a perfect girl for the job. While the cat-petting boss, “Number 1”, doubts Britain’s folly of cooperating in the plan, Kronsteen explains the British have wanted a Lektor machine for years, and will undoubtedly send James Bond, the bastard who killed SPECTRE agent, Dr. No.

For the mission, Rosa Klebb visits the big house with the garden and recruits the tall blond guy, whose name is Ronald Grant, and who is a psycho, straight-up-killuh. Rosa punches him right in the gut with brass knuckles and he doesn’t even flinch. Perfect man for the job. Later, she meets her Russian girl, Tatiana Romanova, tells her of her mission, and hands her a picture of a man. Her mission, for now at least, is to do everything the man wants. If she refuses, she will be shot!

Bond is making out with some lady on a river bank when he is contacted by Moneypenny to come into work. The girl he’s with smothers him while on the phone, but he swats her away. Bond comes to the office after having some “lunch” and learns from M that some Russian file clerk has fallen in love with him, for she has his picture from a file. Apparently the girl will turn over the Lektor and defect, but only if she can deliver the machine to Bond personally, who will then take her back to England. Bond and M know it’s a trap, but they wanna get that darn Lektor, so Bond is booked on the 8:30 flight to Instanbul. He then receives a “nasty little Christmas present” of an attache case from Q.

In Istanbul, Bond meets Ali Kerim Bay, head of T station in Turkey. They chat and have a drink. A little later, Kerim’s about to get in on with his lady when half of the room explodes. Bond arrives a little later and is like “wtf?” Kerim explains that he cannot understand why the Russians would break the truce of not bombing shit after so long. Bond and Kerim do some investigating at Kerim’s underground periscope, which is right under the Russian consulate. They spy on the room, and after seeing some baddies, including the nasty Krilencu, Bond catches a glimpse of Ms. Romanova. Later, Bond and Kerim go to some gypsy place, which falls under attack by Krilencu’s men. Kerim is wounded, and Bond almost killed, but he is saved by a hiding Red Grant. Krilencu’s men retreat, and later, Bond gets to have fun with some ladies. (Yay!)

The next night, Kerim and Bond, with the help of Kerim’s sons, kill Krelencu with a sniper rifle. Afterwards, Bond returns to his hotel to find Tatiana Romanova crawling into his bed. After some innuendo-laced dialogue, they speak of the Lektor. Then they do it. Little does Bond know, however, he is being filmed through a two-way mirror by some SPECTRE goons. The next day, Tatiana goes to meet Bond at the Hagia Sofia Mosque with a floor plan of the Russian consulate, where the Lektor is rumored to be. She drops it off, only for some sketchy guy to pick it up. This man is killed by some mysterious person who then leaves. Bond retrieves the map and takes it to Kerim.

With the help of a diversion, Bond breaks into the Russian consulate, leaving with Tatiana and the Lektor decoder. They meet up with Kerim, and in a mad dash, make it to the Orient Express. A Russian security dude gets on board to chase after them. Red Grant, unbeknownst to all, is on the train. A bit later, Kerim notices the Russian security guy creepin’ around, but keeps him busy by pointing a gun at him until its time to get off the train. When it’s time to leave, however, a train employee notifies Bond that Kerim and the Russian dude killed each other.

Bond comes back to his and Tatiana’s room, a little miffed, and demands information. He knows she’s doing it under orders, but she won’t tell him a thing except that she loves him. Bond is like “bleh” and at some stop, tells one of Kerim’s sons that his father is dead. Bond instructs Kerim’s son to call M and send for someone to meet him, which later is Red Grant evilly posing as a Mr. Nash.

Bond, a far too trusty Bond, let’s Captain Nash into his suite. Bond is suspicious, and checks Nash’s shit when he and Tatiana go to the restaurant car. Bond joins them for dinner, and notices Nash slipping something into her drink. Back at the suite, Tatiana is set to rest and Bond starts askin’ preguntas. After a little scuffling around, Bond finds out Grant is not Nash. This is when he finds out Grant works for SPECTRE, and the SPECTRE was pulling Russian and British strings to get the Lektor. Now that SPECTRE has the Lektor, Grant can kill Bond and the girl. Additionally, Grant decides to place a video of Tatiana and Bond doing it (from earlier) and a fake letter from her that would make it all look like a murder-suicide. Have Bond get the Lektor, then kill him and the girl. Pretty genius, SPECTRE, pretty genius. Bond, however, tricks Red Grant into opening up his case, which explodes tear gas in his face. After a little row, Bond chokes Red Grant with his own garotte wire.

Bond and the extremely-rufied Tatiana get off the train and get away. They are soon attacked by a helicopter that throws grenades and shoots at them. Bond ultimately escapes, and two escape again after they are pursued in a tense powerboat chase.

Meanwhile, the evil “Number 1” kills Kronsteen for his plan not working. He then gives the job to Rosa Klebb, who wastes no time, posing as a maid at the hotel where James and Tatiana are staying. Rosa reveals herself by pulling a gun on Bond, but Tatiana stops her from shooting her man. With no gun, Rosa tries to kill Bond with a poison shoe-spike, but Tatiana shoots her dead. Later, Bond and Tatiana take a gondola ride and cuddle. Bond throws the film of Tatiana and him into the river.

Things I like:

First off, Tatiana Romanova is a great Bond girl. In addition to be absolutely stunning, her love for 007, and his rebounding dialogue, makes their dialogue quite amusing throughout the entire picture. All she wanted to do was work for mother Russia. Poor girl got wrapped up in a SPECTRE plot, got threatened, suffering a drugging, and got shot at. Daniela Bianchi’s performance is excellent, and you believe that Tatiana is really just an average, patriotic girl who’s been caught up in all this, and it’s nice to see her get what she wants in the end.

Another thing to love about this movie is Desmond Llewelyn’s first appearance as Q/Major Boothroyd. In Dr. No, he was played by some other bloke, but after Llewellyn was Q, he stuck around to play the classic role in seventeen Bond movies before his tragic death in 1999. It’s fun seeing him give Bond the first real Q Branch gadget as well, the crazy tricked-out attache case. Here’s the scene if you’re interested!:

Things I didn’t like:

From Russia With Love, when not scoring the highest on a Bond movie countdown, will most often score second place. It will most likely always be in the top five, and after that, on rare occasions, somewhere between slots six and ten. So why the hell, on this list, does From Russia With Love sit so far from the front at number 18? Well, if you’ll let me explain…

Even the first time I watched it, all those years ago, I couldn’t help but think that From Russia With Love was a little, well, boring. Call me what you want in the comments, or to my face, but hey, to each their own, and the story of Bond tracking down some decoding machine just was never that interesting to me. Not to mention the pacing can be slow at times.

So, SPECTRE wanted to get a Lektor machine from the Russians, fine, but why did their plot have to be so ridiculously complicated? Tatiana even told Bond that she worked with the Lektor every day at the Russian consulate, so why didn’t Rosa Klebb (who Tatiana thought was on her side), just tell Tatiana she needed the Lektor for some official business or something? Why would you need to involve the British at all?

I’m going to set up that a Russian girl has fallen in love with a British agent and that she will give him an extremely important piece of equipment only if she delivers it to him and then he’ll meet her and we’ll film them doing it, then he’ll get the machine, then we’ll find them, kill them, take the machine, and leave their bodies with the tape and a fake letter to make it look like a murder-suicide. It’s almost too easy.

And why is the full James Bond theme song playing when he is just walking around a room? He might be checking the room for bugs, but is this really something that warrants the full orchestra? I’m not saying John Barry was wrong (because he is the Bond-music god), but I always found this perplexing.

And I know I’m being nitpicky here, but how did SPECTRE get a mask of Bond’s face? How do they know what Bond looks like? And if so, would that really make Red Grant better at killing Bond? I understand the filmmakers wanting to surprise the audience with Bond getting killed, but . . .it just doesn’t make sense to me. Oh well.

The Song:

For the second Bond picture, the Bond producers chose Matt Monro to sing the title song. For whatever reason, they used an instrumental version for the opening credits (which is pasted above). Monro’s version is featured twice in the film, once in the diegesis, playing on the radio, and then at the end of the film, bringing us into the end credits. It’s a nice, romantic, slow song. The “Bond song” style, with the horns and strings and punch, wouldn’t be classified until the next movie and its classic theme, Goldfinger.

Here, someone puts Monro’s version over the opening credits. Looks pretty good to me!

Favorite Scene:

There are some cool scenes in From Russia With Love, but my favorite would have to be when Bond is interrogating Tatiana about the Lektor during a boat ride. Bond tells her to talk into a camera, which is actually like a phone (the first cameraphone?), so that M can listen to the conversation back in London. Bond asks her questions about the Lektor, but she keeps deviating into how much she wants him. He comically shrugs off her advances to tries to keep her on topic. When she asks “Oh, James…James…will you make love to me all the time in England?”, he promptly says “Day and night. Go on about the mechanism.” Love it.

Favorite Line:

Kerem Bay, at one point, tells Bond that he is in his debt, to which Bond replies “How can a friend be in debt?” True dat, James.

Extra Tidbit:

The scene in which Red Grant kills the masked “James Bond” from the beginning of the movie was supposed to appear a lot later in the film. Editor Peter Hunt thought it’d be better to have it appear first thing in the movie, even before the opening credits, thus creating the infamous pre-credits scene, which has been the format for every single Bond movie since. Good call, Peter!

Find out which movie comes next in the countdown by clicking here!

James Bond Countdown: #19: Diamonds Are Forever

July 31, 2012August 21, 2012 C.P.Leave a comment

In preparation for November’s “Skyfall”, I’ll be counting down all the Bond movies from my least favorite to favorite. Twenty-two movies in all, so let’s get going! Note: Spoilers ahead!

Number on Countdown: 19

Title: Diamonds are Forever

Year: 1971

Synopsis: Bond is back, and on a relentless hunt of Ernst Stavro Blofeld, the man responsible for the tragedy in the last Bond picture, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Fueled by the pain and rage from the last movie, Bond finds Blofeld at a facility where Blofeld look-alikes are made through surgery. Bond fights some look-alikes, but eventually finds the real Blofeld and knocks him the hell out. Bond places him on a gurney and pushes into a bioling pool of goo. “Welcome to Hell, Blofeld” indeed.

Bond returns to London from his “holiday” and chats with M and some diamond expert. This expert explains that 80% of the world’s diamonds come from the South African industry, which prides itself on the loyalty of its workers. While they’ve always accepted some smuggling, it has skyrocketed in the past two years. Curiously, none of these smuggled diamonds have as of yet hit the market. Someone is either dumping or stockpiling them. It’s up to Bond to find out who.

Meanwhile, Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, a gay couple who have a knack for the pun (and assassinating), kill some diamond smugglers.

Bond travels to Amsterdam, posing as smuggler Peter Franks, and meets fellow smuggler Tiffany Case, who, in their first meeting, changes wigs multiple times and takes Bond’s fingerprints off his glass (luckily he had one some fake ones, courtesy of Q). While not wanting to mix pleasure with business, she suggests Bond save the cute remarks until he gets the diamonds, all 50, 000 karats, into Los Angeles (where they have to delivered). Later, during a call to Q, Bond finds out that the real Peter Franks has gotten away. Bond spies outside Tiffany’s building and waits until the real Peter Franks shows up. Bond poses as a foreigner, but once they’re inside the elevator, the jig is up and they fight. Bond ends up killing the real Franks and then switches wallets so that Tiffany thinks he’s killed James Bond. Not wanting to stick around, she suggests they get the diamonds out of there, and fast. They stash the diamonds in Franks’ coffin and fly to Los Angeles. Mr Wint. and Mr. Kidd follow aboard.

At the airport, Bond meets Felix Leiter, posing as airport security. Bond takes a ride with some shady hearse-drivers and they head to a funeral parlor. Mr. Slumber, who owns the place, puts the coffin in the crematorium and then brings Bond an urn full of diamonds. Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd are there as well, and quickly knock Bond out. Some old-ass guy then takes Bond’s diamonds. Mr Wint and Mr Kidd put Bond into a coffin and send him into the crematorium. Bond wakes up mid-burn, and just as things look bad for 007, the coffin door opens. That old-guy, considerably more pissed, had opened it, yelling at Bond (Franks) that the diamonds are phonies.

Later, while reading a magazine in the tub, Bond sees an ad featuring the old-ass guy from the funeral parlor, who gos by the name Shady Tree and is a comedian in Las Vegas. Bond visits his show at the Whyte House hotel and casino and looks for him after the show. Bond finds him dead (the doing Mr Kidd and Mr Wint).

Later, Bond plays craps. Attracted by his swagger, a ditsy babe named Plenty O’Toole joins him in the playing. After that, they go back to his place, but before they can get busy, thugs are revealed to have been hiding in the room. They throw Plenty out the window (landing in a pool) and then leave the place. Turns out Tiffany Case is there as well, laying on Bond’s bed. They sleep together and then make a plan to “run away together,” diamonds in tow.

She picks up the diamonds at Circus CIrcus, seemingly stuffed in a prize teddy bear. Tiffany is then followed, but escapes. Bond knows exactly where to find her, though, a summer house and waits for her. She’s not happy to see Franks (Bond) and asks why her black wig is in the pool. But it’s not her wig, it’s Plenty, who’s been tied down to some weights. Bond explains that the baddies are killing off people systematically, and that they killed Plenty thinking it was her. Feeling a little mad they tried to kill her, Tiffany decides to help Bond.

The stuffed animal is picked up by the airport, and after following the teddy-bear-bearers, Tiffany identifies the person as Willard Whyte’s right-hand man. She also explains that Willard Whyte hasn’t been out from his Vegas penthouse for like five years. No one has seen or heard from him. Tiffany distracts the baddie while Bond gets in the back of his van, which leads him to a research facility.

It is here where Bond, pretending to be doctor Klaus Hugelschreimer, finds a model of a giant satellite and a whole bunch of diamonds. While snooping around the model-room, one of the scientists gets a call from Willard Whyte, and he states that “they have arrived” and there is “enough for completion.” Bond bones out, having seen all he has to see. Just then, the REAL Klaus Hugelschreimer arrives. Bond’s cover is blown, but he gets away in an un-cool bouncy moon buggy. He meets with Tiffany Case on the outside of the complex and take off in her red car. When they return to Las Vegas, the police chase them along the Strip. Ultimately, they get away.

Bond and Tiffany get a room in the Whyte House. After messing around, Bond stands on one of the exterior elevators and gets to the roof. Upon sneaking in, Bond is under surveillance and Willard White’s voice comes over the intercom, welcoming Bond but telling him to rid of his weapon. Bond is told to enter into Whyte’s Office, and does so, but doesn’t find Willard Whyte, but instead Blofeld (Aww fuuu-!) Not only one Blofeld, but two. One real and one surgically modified. Turns out, Blofeld is holding the real Willard Whyte prisoner somewhere and using a voicebox-emulator-thing to sound like him. Bond kills the fake Blofeld, but gets no further information before he is gassed. Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint take Bon’ds body and place it in a pipe to later be put in the ground.

Bond escapes the pipe and, using a one of Blofeld’s buddy’s voice with his own voice-changer machine, contacts Blofeld. During the phone call, Blofeld reveals that Whyte is being held in his summer house. Bond goes to the summer house, fighting off some gymnast-like henchwomen, but gets the upper hand. Bond and Felix Leiter find Willard Whyte and save him from his solitude. At the same time, in Vegas, Tiffany Case is captured by Blofeld in drag.

Bond and co. head back to the Whyte House, but none of them can find the model of the satellite nor the massive diamonds. Bond is like “I swear it was here!” and everyone is like “yea…” Turns out the satellite/laser was a model of a real one, fit with a bajillion diamonds, that has already gone to orbit and has started shooting submarines and shit.

With the help of Willard Whyte, Bond finds out Blofeld’s base is an oil rig off the coast of Baja California. Bond lands there conspicuously and is immediately captured by Blofeld’s goons. Tiffany Case is also here as well, held captive by Blofeld. Here, Blofeld reveals his master plan, but Bond (as he is known to do) messes shit up for him. After a rousing oil-rig battle fit, Bond and Tiffany get away. (Blofeld is only presumed dead).

Later, Bond and Tiffany are enjoying a nice evening on a ship when they are given room service by two of the ship’s staff. Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd try their best to assassinate Bond with a bomb hidden in a cake, but 007 is the best for a reason and thwarts their plan, sending both overboard in unique ways. Tiffany and Bond return to their nice evening, and looking to sky, she asks “How are we going to get those diamonds down again?” Silly girl!

Things I like:

Diamonds are Forever is definitely not my favorite Bond, but it does have some things that make it tremendously unique from other Bond movies.

First off, I have to say I thoroughly enjoy the sidekick killers, Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint. They’re both different and love to make puns. For example, after killing a man with a scorpion, they explain to his associate that he was sick, “bitten by the bug.” In another scene, the conveyor belt starts moving Bond’s coffin into the crematorium. It is here where they say “Very moving. . .”, “Heartwarming, Mr. Wint”, and “A glowing tribute, Mr. Kidd…”, before the coffin even enters in. It’s like they get bonus points for the kill if they make as many bad jokes as possible, and I love it.

Plenty O’Toole and Tiffany Case are pretty awesome Bond girls. Plenty O’ Toole (played by Lana Wood) is absolutely gorgeous and it’s sad to see such a bubbly character go out so quickly (sadface). Ms. Case is also pretty, but what I really love about her is her spitfire attitude. When her circus-booth victory is disputed by a young boy, she leaves and tells the boy “blow up your pants”. I don’t even know what the means, but it’s an awesome diss. In another scene, a man angrily honks his horn at her, to which she says “Keep leaning on that tooter Charlie and you’re gonna get a shot in the mouth.” Just the right attitude for a rogue-y, independent diamond smuggler. Amazing.

Things I didn’t like:

First off,the plot for Diamonds Are Forever is ridiculously and needlessly complicated. Not so much in terms of Blofeld’s plan, but in the diamonds’ journey. They’re with Tiffany, then in the coffin, then fakes, then with Shady Tree, then in a stuffed animal, and then and then and then. . . Why is it so complicated? And since we have no idea who is stealing the diamonds or hoarding them, we don’t really care. I mean, maybe I just don’t find diamond smuggling that interesting in the first place, so whatever.

(MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR ENTIRE BOND SERIES IN THIS PARAGRAPH. SKIP TO BE SPARED). Diamonds Are Forever is the Bond flick directly after On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, which ends with Bond’s new bride getting gunned down by Blofeld and his henchwoman. This would explain why Bond, in the beginning, is after Blofeld with such ferocity. Bond tracks down and kills Blofeld, but after that, he’s not even sad. Like, at all. It’s as if the whole entire marriage and subsequent loss never even took place. Even after Willard Whtye is exposed really be Blofeld, Bond doesn’t really seem to HATE him. Dude, he KILLED YOUR WIFE. And he did so in just the last movie! It was an amazing opportunity to have a pissed off, revenge-spurred Bond, but we got just the regular old Connery. Why does Bond not give a shit anymore? And why did, upon Bond asking if he can bring Moneypenny back anything from his trip, did she say “a diamond, with a ring on it.” I know she always had the hots for him, but come on, lady, he JUST LOST HIS WIFE.

Another thing that grinds my gears is Blofeld’s appearance. In You Only Live Twice, Blofeld is revealed to be bald with a scar on his face. In the next movie, we see him bald, with no scar, and no earlobes. (All right…) And then we get this guy. What? I could go along with this if it was explained he got plastic surgery to hide his identity, but…it isn’t, and, like, he doesn’t look the same in AT ALL. Why couldn’t they get this straight? I mean, his cat has more continuity than he did.

Also, the moon buggy chase scene through the Nevada desert has to be one of the stupidest chases in ANY movie, not just a Bond movie. Here it is below. I mean, look at how stupid it looks with it’s little bouncy arms. What the hell?

The Song:

Finally we have a good song on this countdown. Although the movie is kind of lame, boring, and ridiculously complex, there is no denying that Shirley Bassey, John Barry and Don Black captured some magic with this one. The opening melody is instantly recognizable, and while it might start off a little slow, the drums kick in, it’s a pretty groovy, brooding lick. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’ve always thought the singing in the song (especially during the verse) to be a little sinister and eerie, and I love it for that reason. Best song secretly about dicks ever.

Favorite Scene: There isn’t particularly one scene from Diamonds Are Forever that I really like, but rather, little tiny bits from numerous scenes. Let’s just go with any scene featuring the comedic Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd. Those guys are awesome.

Favorite Line: After Plenty removes her dress and kisses Bond, she excuses herself for a moment. Bond turns on the lights and sees thugs sitting in the room, guns pointed at him. This is when he says “Well, I’m afraid you’ve caught me with more than my hands up.” Excellent.

Extra Tidbit: After George Lazenby left the Bond role after On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, the producers had to find a new Bond. Their thoughts were to “Americanize” Bond for the next picture, and they had even signed American actor John Gavin for the role. When Sean Connery said he’d be back, Gavin gracefully left the role and his contract was paid in full. Makes you wonder what Diamonds Are Forever, and the Bond series, could have been like.

Find out which movie comes next in the countdown by clicking here!

Casey Poma

Humor. Creativity. Media.

Tag: sean connery

James Bond Countdown: #13: Dr. No

James Bond Countdown: #14: You Only Live Twice

James Bond Countdown: #17: Thunderball

James Bond Countdown: #18: From Russia With Love

James Bond Countdown: #19: Diamonds Are Forever

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