***This article was originally posted to my old blog, but I thought I’d put it up here for you to read. It’s fun to look back at old works. All you can do, really, is laugh at them. Oh, and be thankful that work you’re currently making is miles ahead of it. ~CP***

Hey everyone, what’s happening? Haven’t been posting much after releasing some music and writing, but whatever, here I am with a little retrospective article. For those who are close to me, you’ll know I wrote my own James Bond screenplay for 2012’s Scriptfrenzy (a monthly challenge to write 100 pages of a script in 30 days) called “Lived Long Enough”. It featured a Russian baddie, an exploding motorcycle, a Bond trying to quit smoking, an old book, and a secret weapons factory, it was fantastic…ly terrible. I decided to re-write it from page one and am currently forty pages in. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’ll go anywhere, or will be somehow picked up by the real producers to get it made. I’m just doing it for fun and for some writing practice.

But this isn’t the first time I’ve dabbled into Bond fanfic territory. Now, I hate to use the word “fan fiction” (because there is so much fucking crap associated with it), but that’s basically what it is. About six or seven years ago, I was messing around with MS Paint and made four Bond movie posters. I never ended up writing any of these adventures (nor did I really intend to), but let’s take a look back at these awful imaginings of the fanfiction universe.

1. Regal Die Today

Albert R. “Briccoli” (instead of “Brocolli”, I guess) produces Pierce Brosnan in my first shit-tastic fake Bond movie. I have no idea what the plot was going to be, but apparently it was to involve fire, Kate Beckinsale, and Naomi Watts. I think the villain’s name was going to be “Regal”, or “Mr. Regal” or something, because Regal Cinemas took over our local awesome movie theatre and turned it into a shitty one, much to the disdain of us in town (so much so, one resident made them the villain in a fake James Bond movie poster! Rrr!).

Kate Beckinsale and Naomi Watts (with words from a magazine still in her hair, apparently) were to be the Bond girls, but it was also to feature Stellan Skarsgard and Viggo Mortensen. I can only see Stellan Skarsgard being the villain of the piece, with Viggo either being an ally or the silent henchman. Wasn’t Viggo an assassin in “The Perfect Murder”? I have no clue who Naomi Watts or Kate would play, but whatever, who cares? This is stupid.

2. In Gold Blood

Oh, how clever! Get it? Instead of “In Cold Blood?” Get it. What a stupid title. Oh well.

This was to once again feature Pierce Brosnan as 007, this time, tracking down a bad guy who was trying to raise the spirits of Valhalla to try and take over the world. I know, dabbling a bit too much into fantasy, but if Bond can go to space in Moonraker, why couldn’t a guy bring an army of Einherjar to the world? (Wait, “Einherjar” is actually a pretty cool title…hmmm…)

This was to feature Natalie Portman because she was “hot” and because I was a huge Star Wars geek (well, still am…but whatever). The other girl is unknown, but if I remember correctly, she’s a porn actress, which is just what any producer would want for their serious Bond movie. Oh well, maybe she could be the henchwoman who just kills people and doesn’t say anything (name: Odd-handjob?). When looking down at the names on the bottom, I see that “Jaquin Pheonix” was going to star in it (in no relation to “Joaquin Pheonix,” y’know, the actor). I was probably really impressed with Pheonix’s villanous performance in Gladiator and decided to stick him in here, so much so that I spelled his name wrong.

There was also going to be Johnny Depp in the movie. Why the hell is he in here? Maybe he could play Felix Leiter, or another American agent. Or would he be a villain? Or like some crazy drug dealer guy like Gary Oldman in True Romance? I don’t know, of late, Johnny Depp seems to fit playing only fucking weirdos. Hell, why not just stick Jack Sparrow into the movie? I mean, we already have the spirits of Valhalla. Goodness gracious, this is a bad idea.

3. Midnight to Kill

Wow. Yikes. This time, the gray-ish haired Bond would be sent to protect some hot babe from a bunch of bounty hunters trying to kill her. I never knew why they were trying to kill her, but I just knew that the reward/bounty would have a time limit, which was MIDNIGHT on some day or whatever. Not very developed, but then again, none of these are.

This is a somewhat interesting idea, save for the fact it has no details and no real “bad guy going to take over the world” aspect, which Bond movies are kind of known for. Even “The Man With the Golden Gun”, which features a bounty hunter (or hitman or whatever), had a plot about using solar power for big-ass weapons. So, maybe, like, this girl Bond’s supposed to be protecting could, I don’t know, have some codes to stop a large terrorist plan or something, and they’ve posted some crazy reward for her head? I have no idea. I just know that Bond would kill them all, and then he’d sleep with the main heroine, because he’s Bond.

Apparently Virginie Leydoyen was going to be bounty hunting (and in a bikini, I guess). Jean Reno would probably be a bounty hunter as well, because the only person I can see being a villain in this is just a REALLY good bounty hunter that Bond would have to outwit (like Francisco Scaramanga in “Man with the Golden Gun”, hmm…).

The background of the poster shows a city, which I think is actually just a really stretched and blurry picture of the Star Wars prequels’ Coruscant. So, it’d take place in a city, and for some reason, I always imagined it’d take place during the course of one day or something. A little deviant from the Bond formula of traveling around the world and going to exotic locales, but, if done right, it…nah, it’d probably still suck.

4. Paradise Frost

Get it? Paradise Frost? Whatever. So, Miranda Frost from “Die Another Day” returns from the dead, I suppose, and is after Bond for killing that Asian guy who became a British guy and used a laser and whatever the fuck happened in “Die Another Day”. That movie sucked.

Anyway, Miranda Frost would be back and after Bond, or trying to take over the world or something. The hot girl on the right (who is on the poster as “some other hot babe”) was to be Miranda’s sister, an ally to Bond who would know exactly how to stop Miranda. And then…wait, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I have no clue in my mind why I would want to make a spin-off of “Die Another Day”. Maybe if this one was good, it’d redeem the other? No, nothing will ever redeem that Madonna song. Even though this story and idea is totally lame, I do like the poster’s blue, icy, dark color scheme and the pensive Bond.

But wait, there’s more! “From Seaside with Love”

Oh my, how could I possibly forget the 2006 production of “From Seaside with Love”? In the fall of 2006, a friend and I began filming “From Seaside with Love”, a spoofy Bond flick in which all our dorm buddies starred. I didn’t come up with the plot about Daniel Shotwell smuggling laser inside chinchillas, but I was co-director. Not only were we innovators with the first dark-skinned James Bond, but we were the first to film the entire thing on a college campus and give Mr. Bond a daughter? Wait, what? Unfortunately, the movie never got finished, and the tapes are off in obsolete-technology land (which is right next to “old project tapes” land). Luckily (or not so luckily), there is some surviving material to show that this ever took place.

Here are two amazing posters. I made this one, which is perhaps the worst poster in the history of posters:

And here is a second one, based off the old cover of “From Russia with Love”:

Oh goodness. Just in case that wasn’t enough for you…the trailer:

In Conclusion:

If you’re a Bond fan, I bet you’re wanting me to be fed to Sanchez’s shark, but let me plead with you that all such people make terrible crap in their teens. I’m not saying EVERYBODY does, but most of us write terrible Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, or Harry Potter fanfic to get us going. Thank goodness I never wrote any of that (seriously, Star Wars fanfic is SO LAME). Maybe if my new Bond spec is good enough, I’ll post it up here for everyone or no one to read. Hey, that kinda sounds like a Bond title… “Everyone or no one”…to MS PAINT!