James Bond Countdown: #17: Thunderball

August 12, 2012October 12, 2012 C.P.Leave a comment

In preparation for November’s “Skyfall”, I’ll be counting down all the Bond movies from my least favorite to favorite. Twenty-two movies in all, so let’s get going! Warning: Spoilers for countdown movie below.

Number on Countdown: 17

Title: Thunderball

Year: 1965

Synopsis:

Bond is chillin’ at the funeral of Colonel Jacques Bouvar, a SPECTRE agent, who killed a couple of his colleagues. Bond follows Mrs. Bouvar back to her place, and upon greeting her, punches her in the face. Turns out it’s not Mrs. Bouvar, but Jacques himself. After a fight and killing Bouvar, Bond escapes with the use of a super-awesome jetpack, which “no well dressed man should be without.”

In Paris, a well-dressed man wearing an eye-patch enters into some building, and after some pleasantries, enters through a secret doorway, leading to a massive room, where some men sit around. The eye-patch man, revealed soon to be SPECTRE Number 2, takes his seat. At the start of the meeting, the cat-petting über-boss from From Russia With Love, tells all that Number 6, Jacques Bouvar, has been killed by an unknown assassin and this services will be missed. Number 2 then sheds some light on the NATO project, the biggest plan SPECTRE has ever attempted, which is to hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Number 2 has sent SPECTRE agent Count Lippe to the south of England (at a clinic near a NATO base) where he’s making the final preparations.

Turns out, Bond is at the same clinic, getting some R & R. After seeing a mysterious symbol of a tattoo on Count Lippe’s arm, it urges Bond to do some investigating of Lippe’s room. He doesn’t see him there, but Lippe’s bandaged-up-face neighbor sees Bond and is like “hmm..” Bond asks the physiotherapist who the bandaged man is, but reveals she doesn’t know much about him. She then ties Bond to some back-traction machine and leaves the room. Lippe turns the back-traction machine on full blast, leaving Bond trapped. And for dead. Luckily, the physiotherapist returns to turn off the machine and save Bond. Then he plays an über-sleaze and has her sleep with him so he won’t tell her boss.

Photobucket — And then happily massages her with his mink glove

In a nearby hotel, NATO pilot François Derval is making out with this super foxy lady when he has to get going. He opens the door, shocked to see another, well, him, and another him that shoots him in the face with toxic gas. Turns out the other him is a dude named Angelo who’s spent two years of his life turning himself into Derval with voice lessons, tape viewings, and plastic surgery. The foxy lady is actually SPECTRE agent Fiona Volpe, and makes sure Angelo replaces Derval for his upcoming flight. They wrap the dead Derval in bandages and put him back at the clinic. Bond finds the dead Derval as the fake one hijacks the airplane carrying two nukes. Angelo flies the plane straight to a SPECTRE ship waiting offshore. He sets the plane down underwater. SPECTRE sends down divers obtain the nukes. Oh, and kill Angelo.

Bond is called to the London office, as is every 00 agent. Number 1 has sent a tape to the powers that be that roughly states “give us 100 million pounds upon this date or we’ll use these nukes to blow up a major city in England or the U.S.” They agree to pay the baddies if they can’t somehow stop them within the allotted time. Bond, upon learning that the dead Derval’s sister is in Nassau, suggests he should go and check her out.

Bond immediately finds her, Dominique “Domino” Derval, and makes contact. Over some conch chowder, Bond learns she has a guardian, and one with a big-ass yacht. Later that night, Bond plays the eye-patch man, named Emelio Largo, in baccarat and kicks his ass. Bond chats with Domino again and learns she’s his mistress. Largo leaves with Domino, but not before inviting Bond to have lunch at his house.

Later, after thwarting some thug in his room, Bond meets up with trusty ally Felix Leiter of the CIA. Bond sends the thug back to Largo, who just feeds him to his sharks. Bond then visits a hideout where Q gives him all his nifty gadgets. With only 55 hours until the ransom is due, Bond investigates the Emelio’s ship, the Disco Volante. After nearly dying, Bond gets away with some revealing photographs. Later, Bond and Felix develop the photos and go about finding the lost NATO airplane, but have no luck in finding it.

Later, Bond goes to Largo’s place for some lunch. After showing off his dangerous, ravenous sharks, Largo suggest that Domino take Bond to Junkanoo, the local Mardi Gras. A little later, Bond returns to his room to find Volpe there, and after sexual negotiations, she reveals herself to be a baddie. On his way to “an interesting conversation”, Bond escapes Volpe and her goons, running through the Mardi Gras parade, eventually landing at the Kiss Kiss Club. Volpe dances with Bond, trying to get him to surrender, but when Bond sees an assassin in the distance about to shoot his face off, he spins so that Volpe catches the bullet instead.

With 14 hours, 50 minutes until the zero hour, Bond and Felix search for the plane, finally finding it under water. Although the plane is there, the bombs are not. Bond finds Domino and chats with her, finally telling her her brother is dead due to the orders of Largo.Upon learning this, she agrees to help. Bond gives her his Gieger Counter and tells her to signal him or Felix when the bombs are aboard the Disco Volante.

Bond camps out where Largo and his cronies will get ready to dive underwater to deliver the bombs. When no one’s looking, he knocks out a sucker and changes into his scuba gear. The bad guys successfully board the bombs aboard Largo’s yacht. On board, Domino is caught with the Gieger Counter. This doesn’t sit well with Largo, who ties her up and wants information about Bond. Just before he can cause her “great pain”, he is notified the bombs are being activated. Bond somehow learns that Largo wants to destroy Miami Beach and tells Felix to get his men into action.

Felix sends in some United States Coast Guard dudes to parachute down into the area. They are soon met by Largo’s henchmen and a harpoon underwater shoot-out begins. Bond joins the battle and helps out the Coast Guard, and in the end, the bad henchmen surrender. Bond catches Largo trying to get away and gives chase. Largo makes it back to the Disco Volante, but Bond gets on as well. With Coast Guard boats chasing after him, Largo takes off like a mofo. With one bomb on board, he could still make a big, devastating explosion. Bond enters the cabin and exchanges fists with Largo and his bruisers. At the end of the fight, Bond is cornered and Largo’s got his gun pointed at him, but Largo is shot in the back by Domino before he can do anything. Bond and Domino jump off the boat just before it crash lands into some rocks and blows up into a billion pieces. They then hitch a ride via plane back to safety.

Things I like:

I can’t help but making a face any time I hear the world Thunderball, but don’t worry, it’s not all bad.

Some of the best scenes in the film are between Bond and Largo. For example, when Bond plays baccarat against Largo at the casino, he says “So, it’s my specter against yours,” which, of course, peaks Largo’s interest. From the first they are secretly and subtly at each others throats, and their subtext-filled dialogue is quite entertaining throughout the entire movie. This comes up again when Bond visits Largo’s home for some lunch (which I’ll describe more about later).

Once again, the Bond girls are absolutely stunning. This time, we get Dominique “Domino” Duval and Fiona Vulpe. Domino might just run-of-the-mill eye candy, but Fiona plays a great sinister girl. After sleeping with her, she reveals herself to be evil. Bond is like “whaa?” and she says ” But of course, I forgot your ego, Mr. Bond. James Bond, the one where he has to make love to a woman, and she starts to hear heavenly choirs singing. She repents, and turns to the side of right and virtue, but not this one!” Evil to the end, she stands out as one of the coolest gals of the Connery era.

Things I didn’t like:

Veteran Bond producer Michael G. Wilson said this when talking about the super-dud Die Another Day (number 20 on this countdown) “We keep trying to make another From Russia with Love, but end up making another Thunderball”. I can’t agree more with him that Thunderball is a stinker, and I’ll tell ya why.

For how intense the plot of Thunderball is, it is surprisingly dull. The ENTIRE movie has a time clock to destruction and I STILL can’t get excited about it. I think one reason for this is that there are so many damn, slow scuba scenes. It’s interesting to watch Bond sneak around a base, gun in hand, looking about. It’s different to watch him floating amidst a host of bubbles. In fact, I think that the numerous underwater sequences hurt Thunderball immensely, which leads me to the end of the film.

Thunderball‘s climax begins with a rousing scene of dudes parachuting down into the ocean, which is pretty damn awesome. Once the fight gets underwater, though, the excitement level drops from “awesome” to “this is boring”. I don’t know about you, but when I was younger, my friends and I would “fight” whilst underwater, doing slow-motion kicks and spins like we were from The Matrix. I couldn’t help but be reminded of this while watching the super-slow movements of the fighting divers in Thunderball. “Watch out for that guy going to punch you at like 40% his normal speed!” It’s so exciting! Like, goodness gracious. It wouldn’t be so bad perhaps if the scene wasn’t like eight gorram minutes of this. Yes, like eight minutes of guys fighting in faux-slow-motion underwater.

And even when Bond gets aboard the Disco Volante, the fight isn’t much better. Nearly EVERYTHING is sped up to make it look like it’s going faster and it just sucks. The last twenty minutes, man, total snoozer.

The Song:

Upon first hearing Tom Jones’ “Thunderball”, I have to admit I didn’t think too much of it. The brassy opening always seemed a bit screechy to me, but the track is soon saved by Jones’ smooth vocals, not to mention the vocal melody can get stuck in your head for days. And let’s not for get the chorus. “So he strikes!” DANANANANA! “like…Thundaaaaballlll…” Good stuff.

As with many Bond movies, there were, this time, TWO alternate songs that could have been used for the theme song. The first was “Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”, composed by Bond composer John Barry. Recorded by Shirley Bassey and then later Dionne Warwick, the movie studio didn’t dig it for whatever reason. Here’s Dionne Warwick’s version:

Additionally, Johnny Cash submitted a song to be the opening theme. What we get is a bizarre Western-type song that doesn’t fit the Bond mold in the slightest. To his defense, this was only the fourth movie, so the Bond “sound” hadn’t really been nailed yet, but seriously, what the hell? Give it a listen if interested.

Favorite Scene:

My favorite scene of the film might just have to be when Bond visits Largo at his house for some lunch. I already mentioned their repartee during the film entertaining, but it reaches its peak here. Bond shows off his shooting skills, Largo shows off his sharks and his henchman. Each man is sizing up the other, knowing full well that, in the end, they’ll have to confront each other. And that only one will survive.

Favorite Line:

Q can never catch a break when trying to tell 007 about all his new gadgets. Exceptionally annoyed by Bond’s antics this time, he admonishes “try to be a little less than your usual frivolous self, 007.” Hilarious.

Extra Tidbit:

The actual ideas for Thunderball were thought up by Fleming and Kevin McClory as a movie script. When their movie idea fizzled, Fleming wrote the novel “Thunderball”, using a huge percentage of the material. McClory sued and got some rights. Enough, in fact, to make his own version of Thunderball, which explains why 1983’s Never Say Never Again exists. Sean Connery returned as Bond in this unofficial Bond movie, which I guess means he’s been in Thunderball twice. (What?) And as it turns out, McClory tried to make Thunderball AGAIN in the late 90s, this time under the title Warhead 2000. Come on, man.

Number 16 in the countdown can be found here!

James Bond Countdown: #18: From Russia With Love

August 7, 2012August 27, 2012 C.P.Leave a comment

In preparation for November’s “Skyfall”, I’ll be counting down all the Bond movies from my least favorite to favorite. Twenty-two movies in all, so let’s get going! Note: Spoilers for countdown movie ahead!

Number on Countdown: 18

Title: From Russia With Love

Year: 1963

Synopsis:

We begin this time with a stiff-faced Bond maneuvering around a dark garden, gun held out. A moment later, Bond is strangled by a man dressed all in black. Just as Bond breathes his last, massive flood lights come on, revealing a large house full of people. Some Russian guy comes forward to the man in black, a tall, buff blond guy, and gives him his time. He then reaches down and removes the mask of 007’s face from some unknown guy with a mustache.

Later, Kronsteen, member (and “Number 3”) of the villainous organization SPECTRE, plans to steal a Lektor decoder machine from the Russians. In order to exact his plan, he’ll have to use a female from the Russian cryptography section in Istanbul and someone from the British Secret Service, both of whom will have no idea they’re actually helping SPECTRE. Rosa Klebb, this old mean lady (who used to work for Russia’s SMERSH but has defected to SPECTRE and is their “Number 5”), has a perfect girl for the job. While the cat-petting boss, “Number 1”, doubts Britain’s folly of cooperating in the plan, Kronsteen explains the British have wanted a Lektor machine for years, and will undoubtedly send James Bond, the bastard who killed SPECTRE agent, Dr. No.

For the mission, Rosa Klebb visits the big house with the garden and recruits the tall blond guy, whose name is Ronald Grant, and who is a psycho, straight-up-killuh. Rosa punches him right in the gut with brass knuckles and he doesn’t even flinch. Perfect man for the job. Later, she meets her Russian girl, Tatiana Romanova, tells her of her mission, and hands her a picture of a man. Her mission, for now at least, is to do everything the man wants. If she refuses, she will be shot!

Bond is making out with some lady on a river bank when he is contacted by Moneypenny to come into work. The girl he’s with smothers him while on the phone, but he swats her away. Bond comes to the office after having some “lunch” and learns from M that some Russian file clerk has fallen in love with him, for she has his picture from a file. Apparently the girl will turn over the Lektor and defect, but only if she can deliver the machine to Bond personally, who will then take her back to England. Bond and M know it’s a trap, but they wanna get that darn Lektor, so Bond is booked on the 8:30 flight to Instanbul. He then receives a “nasty little Christmas present” of an attache case from Q.

In Istanbul, Bond meets Ali Kerim Bay, head of T station in Turkey. They chat and have a drink. A little later, Kerim’s about to get in on with his lady when half of the room explodes. Bond arrives a little later and is like “wtf?” Kerim explains that he cannot understand why the Russians would break the truce of not bombing shit after so long. Bond and Kerim do some investigating at Kerim’s underground periscope, which is right under the Russian consulate. They spy on the room, and after seeing some baddies, including the nasty Krilencu, Bond catches a glimpse of Ms. Romanova. Later, Bond and Kerim go to some gypsy place, which falls under attack by Krilencu’s men. Kerim is wounded, and Bond almost killed, but he is saved by a hiding Red Grant. Krilencu’s men retreat, and later, Bond gets to have fun with some ladies. (Yay!)

The next night, Kerim and Bond, with the help of Kerim’s sons, kill Krelencu with a sniper rifle. Afterwards, Bond returns to his hotel to find Tatiana Romanova crawling into his bed. After some innuendo-laced dialogue, they speak of the Lektor. Then they do it. Little does Bond know, however, he is being filmed through a two-way mirror by some SPECTRE goons. The next day, Tatiana goes to meet Bond at the Hagia Sofia Mosque with a floor plan of the Russian consulate, where the Lektor is rumored to be. She drops it off, only for some sketchy guy to pick it up. This man is killed by some mysterious person who then leaves. Bond retrieves the map and takes it to Kerim.

With the help of a diversion, Bond breaks into the Russian consulate, leaving with Tatiana and the Lektor decoder. They meet up with Kerim, and in a mad dash, make it to the Orient Express. A Russian security dude gets on board to chase after them. Red Grant, unbeknownst to all, is on the train. A bit later, Kerim notices the Russian security guy creepin’ around, but keeps him busy by pointing a gun at him until its time to get off the train. When it’s time to leave, however, a train employee notifies Bond that Kerim and the Russian dude killed each other.

Bond comes back to his and Tatiana’s room, a little miffed, and demands information. He knows she’s doing it under orders, but she won’t tell him a thing except that she loves him. Bond is like “bleh” and at some stop, tells one of Kerim’s sons that his father is dead. Bond instructs Kerim’s son to call M and send for someone to meet him, which later is Red Grant evilly posing as a Mr. Nash.

Bond, a far too trusty Bond, let’s Captain Nash into his suite. Bond is suspicious, and checks Nash’s shit when he and Tatiana go to the restaurant car. Bond joins them for dinner, and notices Nash slipping something into her drink. Back at the suite, Tatiana is set to rest and Bond starts askin’ preguntas. After a little scuffling around, Bond finds out Grant is not Nash. This is when he finds out Grant works for SPECTRE, and the SPECTRE was pulling Russian and British strings to get the Lektor. Now that SPECTRE has the Lektor, Grant can kill Bond and the girl. Additionally, Grant decides to place a video of Tatiana and Bond doing it (from earlier) and a fake letter from her that would make it all look like a murder-suicide. Have Bond get the Lektor, then kill him and the girl. Pretty genius, SPECTRE, pretty genius. Bond, however, tricks Red Grant into opening up his case, which explodes tear gas in his face. After a little row, Bond chokes Red Grant with his own garotte wire.

Bond and the extremely-rufied Tatiana get off the train and get away. They are soon attacked by a helicopter that throws grenades and shoots at them. Bond ultimately escapes, and two escape again after they are pursued in a tense powerboat chase.

Meanwhile, the evil “Number 1” kills Kronsteen for his plan not working. He then gives the job to Rosa Klebb, who wastes no time, posing as a maid at the hotel where James and Tatiana are staying. Rosa reveals herself by pulling a gun on Bond, but Tatiana stops her from shooting her man. With no gun, Rosa tries to kill Bond with a poison shoe-spike, but Tatiana shoots her dead. Later, Bond and Tatiana take a gondola ride and cuddle. Bond throws the film of Tatiana and him into the river.

Things I like:

First off, Tatiana Romanova is a great Bond girl. In addition to be absolutely stunning, her love for 007, and his rebounding dialogue, makes their dialogue quite amusing throughout the entire picture. All she wanted to do was work for mother Russia. Poor girl got wrapped up in a SPECTRE plot, got threatened, suffering a drugging, and got shot at. Daniela Bianchi’s performance is excellent, and you believe that Tatiana is really just an average, patriotic girl who’s been caught up in all this, and it’s nice to see her get what she wants in the end.

Another thing to love about this movie is Desmond Llewelyn’s first appearance as Q/Major Boothroyd. In Dr. No, he was played by some other bloke, but after Llewellyn was Q, he stuck around to play the classic role in seventeen Bond movies before his tragic death in 1999. It’s fun seeing him give Bond the first real Q Branch gadget as well, the crazy tricked-out attache case. Here’s the scene if you’re interested!:

Things I didn’t like:

From Russia With Love, when not scoring the highest on a Bond movie countdown, will most often score second place. It will most likely always be in the top five, and after that, on rare occasions, somewhere between slots six and ten. So why the hell, on this list, does From Russia With Love sit so far from the front at number 18? Well, if you’ll let me explain…

Even the first time I watched it, all those years ago, I couldn’t help but think that From Russia With Love was a little, well, boring. Call me what you want in the comments, or to my face, but hey, to each their own, and the story of Bond tracking down some decoding machine just was never that interesting to me. Not to mention the pacing can be slow at times.

So, SPECTRE wanted to get a Lektor machine from the Russians, fine, but why did their plot have to be so ridiculously complicated? Tatiana even told Bond that she worked with the Lektor every day at the Russian consulate, so why didn’t Rosa Klebb (who Tatiana thought was on her side), just tell Tatiana she needed the Lektor for some official business or something? Why would you need to involve the British at all?

I’m going to set up that a Russian girl has fallen in love with a British agent and that she will give him an extremely important piece of equipment only if she delivers it to him and then he’ll meet her and we’ll film them doing it, then he’ll get the machine, then we’ll find them, kill them, take the machine, and leave their bodies with the tape and a fake letter to make it look like a murder-suicide. It’s almost too easy.

And why is the full James Bond theme song playing when he is just walking around a room? He might be checking the room for bugs, but is this really something that warrants the full orchestra? I’m not saying John Barry was wrong (because he is the Bond-music god), but I always found this perplexing.

And I know I’m being nitpicky here, but how did SPECTRE get a mask of Bond’s face? How do they know what Bond looks like? And if so, would that really make Red Grant better at killing Bond? I understand the filmmakers wanting to surprise the audience with Bond getting killed, but . . .it just doesn’t make sense to me. Oh well.

The Song:

For the second Bond picture, the Bond producers chose Matt Monro to sing the title song. For whatever reason, they used an instrumental version for the opening credits (which is pasted above). Monro’s version is featured twice in the film, once in the diegesis, playing on the radio, and then at the end of the film, bringing us into the end credits. It’s a nice, romantic, slow song. The “Bond song” style, with the horns and strings and punch, wouldn’t be classified until the next movie and its classic theme, Goldfinger.

Here, someone puts Monro’s version over the opening credits. Looks pretty good to me!

Favorite Scene:

There are some cool scenes in From Russia With Love, but my favorite would have to be when Bond is interrogating Tatiana about the Lektor during a boat ride. Bond tells her to talk into a camera, which is actually like a phone (the first cameraphone?), so that M can listen to the conversation back in London. Bond asks her questions about the Lektor, but she keeps deviating into how much she wants him. He comically shrugs off her advances to tries to keep her on topic. When she asks “Oh, James…James…will you make love to me all the time in England?”, he promptly says “Day and night. Go on about the mechanism.” Love it.

Favorite Line:

Kerem Bay, at one point, tells Bond that he is in his debt, to which Bond replies “How can a friend be in debt?” True dat, James.

Extra Tidbit:

The scene in which Red Grant kills the masked “James Bond” from the beginning of the movie was supposed to appear a lot later in the film. Editor Peter Hunt thought it’d be better to have it appear first thing in the movie, even before the opening credits, thus creating the infamous pre-credits scene, which has been the format for every single Bond movie since. Good call, Peter!

Find out which movie comes next in the countdown by clicking here!

James Bond Countdown: #19: Diamonds Are Forever

July 31, 2012August 21, 2012 C.P.Leave a comment

In preparation for November’s “Skyfall”, I’ll be counting down all the Bond movies from my least favorite to favorite. Twenty-two movies in all, so let’s get going! Note: Spoilers ahead!

Number on Countdown: 19

Title: Diamonds are Forever

Year: 1971

Synopsis: Bond is back, and on a relentless hunt of Ernst Stavro Blofeld, the man responsible for the tragedy in the last Bond picture, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Fueled by the pain and rage from the last movie, Bond finds Blofeld at a facility where Blofeld look-alikes are made through surgery. Bond fights some look-alikes, but eventually finds the real Blofeld and knocks him the hell out. Bond places him on a gurney and pushes into a bioling pool of goo. “Welcome to Hell, Blofeld” indeed.

Bond returns to London from his “holiday” and chats with M and some diamond expert. This expert explains that 80% of the world’s diamonds come from the South African industry, which prides itself on the loyalty of its workers. While they’ve always accepted some smuggling, it has skyrocketed in the past two years. Curiously, none of these smuggled diamonds have as of yet hit the market. Someone is either dumping or stockpiling them. It’s up to Bond to find out who.

Meanwhile, Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, a gay couple who have a knack for the pun (and assassinating), kill some diamond smugglers.

Bond travels to Amsterdam, posing as smuggler Peter Franks, and meets fellow smuggler Tiffany Case, who, in their first meeting, changes wigs multiple times and takes Bond’s fingerprints off his glass (luckily he had one some fake ones, courtesy of Q). While not wanting to mix pleasure with business, she suggests Bond save the cute remarks until he gets the diamonds, all 50, 000 karats, into Los Angeles (where they have to delivered). Later, during a call to Q, Bond finds out that the real Peter Franks has gotten away. Bond spies outside Tiffany’s building and waits until the real Peter Franks shows up. Bond poses as a foreigner, but once they’re inside the elevator, the jig is up and they fight. Bond ends up killing the real Franks and then switches wallets so that Tiffany thinks he’s killed James Bond. Not wanting to stick around, she suggests they get the diamonds out of there, and fast. They stash the diamonds in Franks’ coffin and fly to Los Angeles. Mr Wint. and Mr. Kidd follow aboard.

At the airport, Bond meets Felix Leiter, posing as airport security. Bond takes a ride with some shady hearse-drivers and they head to a funeral parlor. Mr. Slumber, who owns the place, puts the coffin in the crematorium and then brings Bond an urn full of diamonds. Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd are there as well, and quickly knock Bond out. Some old-ass guy then takes Bond’s diamonds. Mr Wint and Mr Kidd put Bond into a coffin and send him into the crematorium. Bond wakes up mid-burn, and just as things look bad for 007, the coffin door opens. That old-guy, considerably more pissed, had opened it, yelling at Bond (Franks) that the diamonds are phonies.

Later, while reading a magazine in the tub, Bond sees an ad featuring the old-ass guy from the funeral parlor, who gos by the name Shady Tree and is a comedian in Las Vegas. Bond visits his show at the Whyte House hotel and casino and looks for him after the show. Bond finds him dead (the doing Mr Kidd and Mr Wint).

Later, Bond plays craps. Attracted by his swagger, a ditsy babe named Plenty O’Toole joins him in the playing. After that, they go back to his place, but before they can get busy, thugs are revealed to have been hiding in the room. They throw Plenty out the window (landing in a pool) and then leave the place. Turns out Tiffany Case is there as well, laying on Bond’s bed. They sleep together and then make a plan to “run away together,” diamonds in tow.

She picks up the diamonds at Circus CIrcus, seemingly stuffed in a prize teddy bear. Tiffany is then followed, but escapes. Bond knows exactly where to find her, though, a summer house and waits for her. She’s not happy to see Franks (Bond) and asks why her black wig is in the pool. But it’s not her wig, it’s Plenty, who’s been tied down to some weights. Bond explains that the baddies are killing off people systematically, and that they killed Plenty thinking it was her. Feeling a little mad they tried to kill her, Tiffany decides to help Bond.

The stuffed animal is picked up by the airport, and after following the teddy-bear-bearers, Tiffany identifies the person as Willard Whyte’s right-hand man. She also explains that Willard Whyte hasn’t been out from his Vegas penthouse for like five years. No one has seen or heard from him. Tiffany distracts the baddie while Bond gets in the back of his van, which leads him to a research facility.

It is here where Bond, pretending to be doctor Klaus Hugelschreimer, finds a model of a giant satellite and a whole bunch of diamonds. While snooping around the model-room, one of the scientists gets a call from Willard Whyte, and he states that “they have arrived” and there is “enough for completion.” Bond bones out, having seen all he has to see. Just then, the REAL Klaus Hugelschreimer arrives. Bond’s cover is blown, but he gets away in an un-cool bouncy moon buggy. He meets with Tiffany Case on the outside of the complex and take off in her red car. When they return to Las Vegas, the police chase them along the Strip. Ultimately, they get away.

Bond and Tiffany get a room in the Whyte House. After messing around, Bond stands on one of the exterior elevators and gets to the roof. Upon sneaking in, Bond is under surveillance and Willard White’s voice comes over the intercom, welcoming Bond but telling him to rid of his weapon. Bond is told to enter into Whyte’s Office, and does so, but doesn’t find Willard Whyte, but instead Blofeld (Aww fuuu-!) Not only one Blofeld, but two. One real and one surgically modified. Turns out, Blofeld is holding the real Willard Whyte prisoner somewhere and using a voicebox-emulator-thing to sound like him. Bond kills the fake Blofeld, but gets no further information before he is gassed. Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint take Bon’ds body and place it in a pipe to later be put in the ground.

Bond escapes the pipe and, using a one of Blofeld’s buddy’s voice with his own voice-changer machine, contacts Blofeld. During the phone call, Blofeld reveals that Whyte is being held in his summer house. Bond goes to the summer house, fighting off some gymnast-like henchwomen, but gets the upper hand. Bond and Felix Leiter find Willard Whyte and save him from his solitude. At the same time, in Vegas, Tiffany Case is captured by Blofeld in drag.

Bond and co. head back to the Whyte House, but none of them can find the model of the satellite nor the massive diamonds. Bond is like “I swear it was here!” and everyone is like “yea…” Turns out the satellite/laser was a model of a real one, fit with a bajillion diamonds, that has already gone to orbit and has started shooting submarines and shit.

With the help of Willard Whyte, Bond finds out Blofeld’s base is an oil rig off the coast of Baja California. Bond lands there conspicuously and is immediately captured by Blofeld’s goons. Tiffany Case is also here as well, held captive by Blofeld. Here, Blofeld reveals his master plan, but Bond (as he is known to do) messes shit up for him. After a rousing oil-rig battle fit, Bond and Tiffany get away. (Blofeld is only presumed dead).

Later, Bond and Tiffany are enjoying a nice evening on a ship when they are given room service by two of the ship’s staff. Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd try their best to assassinate Bond with a bomb hidden in a cake, but 007 is the best for a reason and thwarts their plan, sending both overboard in unique ways. Tiffany and Bond return to their nice evening, and looking to sky, she asks “How are we going to get those diamonds down again?” Silly girl!

Things I like:

Diamonds are Forever is definitely not my favorite Bond, but it does have some things that make it tremendously unique from other Bond movies.

First off, I have to say I thoroughly enjoy the sidekick killers, Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint. They’re both different and love to make puns. For example, after killing a man with a scorpion, they explain to his associate that he was sick, “bitten by the bug.” In another scene, the conveyor belt starts moving Bond’s coffin into the crematorium. It is here where they say “Very moving. . .”, “Heartwarming, Mr. Wint”, and “A glowing tribute, Mr. Kidd…”, before the coffin even enters in. It’s like they get bonus points for the kill if they make as many bad jokes as possible, and I love it.

Plenty O’Toole and Tiffany Case are pretty awesome Bond girls. Plenty O’ Toole (played by Lana Wood) is absolutely gorgeous and it’s sad to see such a bubbly character go out so quickly (sadface). Ms. Case is also pretty, but what I really love about her is her spitfire attitude. When her circus-booth victory is disputed by a young boy, she leaves and tells the boy “blow up your pants”. I don’t even know what the means, but it’s an awesome diss. In another scene, a man angrily honks his horn at her, to which she says “Keep leaning on that tooter Charlie and you’re gonna get a shot in the mouth.” Just the right attitude for a rogue-y, independent diamond smuggler. Amazing.

Things I didn’t like:

First off,the plot for Diamonds Are Forever is ridiculously and needlessly complicated. Not so much in terms of Blofeld’s plan, but in the diamonds’ journey. They’re with Tiffany, then in the coffin, then fakes, then with Shady Tree, then in a stuffed animal, and then and then and then. . . Why is it so complicated? And since we have no idea who is stealing the diamonds or hoarding them, we don’t really care. I mean, maybe I just don’t find diamond smuggling that interesting in the first place, so whatever.

(MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR ENTIRE BOND SERIES IN THIS PARAGRAPH. SKIP TO BE SPARED). Diamonds Are Forever is the Bond flick directly after On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, which ends with Bond’s new bride getting gunned down by Blofeld and his henchwoman. This would explain why Bond, in the beginning, is after Blofeld with such ferocity. Bond tracks down and kills Blofeld, but after that, he’s not even sad. Like, at all. It’s as if the whole entire marriage and subsequent loss never even took place. Even after Willard Whtye is exposed really be Blofeld, Bond doesn’t really seem to HATE him. Dude, he KILLED YOUR WIFE. And he did so in just the last movie! It was an amazing opportunity to have a pissed off, revenge-spurred Bond, but we got just the regular old Connery. Why does Bond not give a shit anymore? And why did, upon Bond asking if he can bring Moneypenny back anything from his trip, did she say “a diamond, with a ring on it.” I know she always had the hots for him, but come on, lady, he JUST LOST HIS WIFE.

Another thing that grinds my gears is Blofeld’s appearance. In You Only Live Twice, Blofeld is revealed to be bald with a scar on his face. In the next movie, we see him bald, with no scar, and no earlobes. (All right…) And then we get this guy. What? I could go along with this if it was explained he got plastic surgery to hide his identity, but…it isn’t, and, like, he doesn’t look the same in AT ALL. Why couldn’t they get this straight? I mean, his cat has more continuity than he did.

Also, the moon buggy chase scene through the Nevada desert has to be one of the stupidest chases in ANY movie, not just a Bond movie. Here it is below. I mean, look at how stupid it looks with it’s little bouncy arms. What the hell?

The Song:

Finally we have a good song on this countdown. Although the movie is kind of lame, boring, and ridiculously complex, there is no denying that Shirley Bassey, John Barry and Don Black captured some magic with this one. The opening melody is instantly recognizable, and while it might start off a little slow, the drums kick in, it’s a pretty groovy, brooding lick. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’ve always thought the singing in the song (especially during the verse) to be a little sinister and eerie, and I love it for that reason. Best song secretly about dicks ever.

Favorite Scene: There isn’t particularly one scene from Diamonds Are Forever that I really like, but rather, little tiny bits from numerous scenes. Let’s just go with any scene featuring the comedic Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd. Those guys are awesome.

Favorite Line: After Plenty removes her dress and kisses Bond, she excuses herself for a moment. Bond turns on the lights and sees thugs sitting in the room, guns pointed at him. This is when he says “Well, I’m afraid you’ve caught me with more than my hands up.” Excellent.

Extra Tidbit: After George Lazenby left the Bond role after On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, the producers had to find a new Bond. Their thoughts were to “Americanize” Bond for the next picture, and they had even signed American actor John Gavin for the role. When Sean Connery said he’d be back, Gavin gracefully left the role and his contract was paid in full. Makes you wonder what Diamonds Are Forever, and the Bond series, could have been like.

Find out which movie comes next in the countdown by clicking here!

James Bond Countdown: #20: Die Another Day

July 27, 2012March 31, 2013 C.P.Leave a comment

Number on Countdown: 20

Title: Die Another Day

Year: 2002

Synopsis: Agent 007 is back, and this time, we start off in North Korea. Bond, with the help of a couple other dudes, abducts a Mr. Van Bierk, who is on his way to trade conflict diamonds with Colonel Sun-Tan Moon, who is trading them for weapons. Bond arrives at the base, meeting Moon’s buddy, Zao, who takes a secret photo of him and sends it off to some secret person. Moon meets Bond (as Mr. Van Bierk) and they trade the diamonds for weapons. Zao receives a message back on the photo and is informed by some contact that Van Bierk is actually James Bond, a British assassin.

Zao notifies Moon, and Moon demonstrates his new tank buster on Bond’s helicopter, then saying “How do you expect to kill me now, Mr. Bond?” Bond is like “Ahh shiii, he knows who I am!” (exact dialogue, no doubt) In a jam, Bond triggers some C4, sending the whole base into array. Moon gets off on one of his hovercrafts, but Bond gives chase, and after a thrilling pursuit, Bond sends the Moon over a waterfall. Moon is dead, but Bond finds himself cornered by North Korean dudes led by General Moon, Colonel Moon’s father.

Fourteen months later, Bond is bearded and torture-fatigued. General Moon wants to know who his son’s Western ally was (which comes out of nowhere, kind of), but Bond doesn’t know who it is, stating it was the same person who betrayed him (which kind of comes out of nowhere, too). Bond is then traded for Zao, who had recently been captured by the good guys for blowing up Chinese stuff.

M comes to see Bond soon after and is not happy to see him, because trading Zao for him was too high a price. Bond’s 00-status is rescinded and he’s all bummed out. He wonders who Moon’s contact is, the person who betrayed him, and escapes from his holding cell, swimming off to a nearby city (Hong Kong) and gets a hotel room. Now that he’s shaved and has some clothes, he asked Mr. Chang of Chinese Intelligence to help him locate Zao.

Bond goes to Havana, Cuba, where Zao is rumored to be, and while smokin’ some cigars, Bond meets NSA Agent Giacinta Johnson, otherwise known as “Jinx”. They chat a bit and then get it on. Bond’s investigations lead him to a sketchy clinic that specializes in DNA therapy, the changing of one’s DNA to look completely different. Bond finds Zao in a hospital room, looking weirder that he did last time, for he’s halfway through the DNA therapy. Bond tries to ask him some questions, but Zao manages to escape, but not before leaving behind a necklace pendant full of diamonds. Diamonds with the symbol of Gustav Graves, a young British dude, on it.

Bond tracks down Graves at Blades Club, some high-class gentlemen’s club (a place I’d never gain admittance), and they get into an aggressive fencing match that ends with some bloody lips. After the fight, Bond meets with M, who trusts him again, and they discuss shit. Graves is some nobody who, in the past year or so, has found a huge diamond find in Iceland. Bond and her agree he should go investigate this young dude. He then goes to meet Q’s successor to get all his gagdets, including an invisible car known as “The Vanish”.

At Grave’s ice palace in Iceland, Bond sees Jinx. In a scene where Bond isn’t, we see the fucked-up Zao and Gustav Graves speaking Korean. The British Gustav Graves is really the North Korean Colonel Moon, who has completed the gene therapy process. (On snap. . .) In a big demonstration, Graves shows off his diamond-encrusted satellite, Icarus, which could be used to grow crops year-round end world hunger. Bond tries to do some investigating, but sets off an alarm. While casually leaving the scene, he is nabbed by fellow MI6 agent Miranda Frost and they sleep together.

Bond sneaks into Graves’ green-house ice palace the next day and finds Jinx has been caught by some baddies and is about to get her head chopped off by a laser. Bond frees her and soon figures out that Gustav Graves must be Colonel Moon. He soon confronts Graves and calls him out. Moon, seeing no reason to hide it anymore, confesses and says he based the “disgusting” Gustav Graves on Bond himself. Miranda comes over to help apprehend Moon, but she’s a biotch and points the gun at Bond instead. Turns out she was the one who betrayed him in Korea. (Aww daaang!)

Bond escapes in Graves’ super-fast car thing, but Graves has Icarus send down a sun-beam from space to destroy it. After a chase and shit, Graves believes he has killed Bond and leaves his ice palace. Bond arrives at ice palace, tryin’ to find Jinx and gets in his invisible car. He is soon discovered and Zao chases him in his green-ass car. Graves starts melting his ice palace with Icarus. Bond rushes into the palace with the Vanish and saves her, but Zao is not so lucky to leave alive.

Bond and Jinx head to U.S. Command Bunker in the DMZ and chat with M, Robinson, and this annoying American meathead. In order to stop Graves, Bond and Jinx follow him to a North Korean airbase to snipe him. He gets aboard a plane before they get off the shot, so they jump aboard right before it takes off.

On board, Graves/Moon confronts his father, revealing to him that he’s his post-DNA-therapy son. General Moon is disappointed that his son has changed himself and is a power-hungry mofo. Graves ends up killing his defiant father. Bond intervenes, shooting out a window of the plane, sending papers (and people) out the window. Jinx steadies the plane, but Miranda Frost is there to challenge her with sword. Jinx and Bond have their respective fights. In the end, Miranda and Graves meet their deserving ends. Icarus is disabled and the day is saved. Bond and Jinx escape the crashing plane and then do it in some hut by the ocean, because that’s what you do after saving the world.

Things I like:

Despite Die Another Day being far from my favorite, there are some things I don’t mind too much. For example, the pre-credits sequence is pretty darn awesome. Seriously, there isn’t anything in this scene that isn’t awesome. Like Colonel Moon giving hell to his punching bag, only for us to discover it had his anger therapist zipped up in it. Genius! Colonel Moon’s disdain for Western “hypocrisy”. Awesome. The gray, bleak colorization of everything. Moody! The hovercraft chase and fight. Really stunning stuff!

Additionally, Rosamund Pike is absolutely gorgeous as Gustav Graves’ right-hand woman.

Other than that, though. . .

Things I didn’t like:

When watching this movie again for the review, I couldn’t help but shake my head on average like every two minutes. This might be why so many consider Die Another Day to be Brosnan’s worst Bond film and shed light on why it was his last (I personally think he had one more in him). So what do I find the biggest problems of Die Another Day are?

Well, as with Moonraker, I feel like Day Another Day went too far in the direction of science fiction. The entire plot revolves around a presumed-dead Colonel changing his DNA to keep on being a bad guy. Sounds like something right out of a Phillip K. Dick short story. In the director commentary, director Lee Tamahori said: “I mean, it’s unbelievable. I remember looking at the script and going ‘you don’t really expect me to believe this, do you?'” While his reminiscence might have been endearing, we can’t deny that this is one of the most outlandish plots in the entire Bond series (and that’s saying a lot). Not to mention that Gustav Graves’ space-suit looks like something out of some crappy summer comic book movie.

Maybe it’s not all Halle Berry’s fault, but Jinx just rubs me the wrong way. I have nothing against Halle Berry, but in her role as a Bond-equal NSA agent, she just comes off as trying too hard. Bond’s cool because he IS cool, and I think if they ever succeed in making a Bond-girl equivalent, she would just BE cool as well. She wouldn’t do something awesome and then qausi-wink to the camera the way Jinx did, y’know what I mean? She would just have it and she would know it. And really, when Zao asks who sent her, she says “Yo mama”. . .really?

Also, Graves’ scientist henchman always annoyed me because he looks just like Prince Valium from Spaceballs. I mean…look at him.

Die Another Day might have strayed too far into science fiction, but it also strayed in terms of traditional filming. Bond movies are known for their amazing stunts which are all done for real. Stunt-men jumping out of airplanes, skiing off cliffs, flying boats over a street. . . it’s all so damn thrilling. But Die Another Day went the CGI route, and it, well, sucks. Not to mention that Die Another Day features some annoying quick camera sweeps and slow motion shots featured in then-popular films like XXX, The Fast and the Furious, and The Matrix.

One unfortunate thing about the film is that we don’t get to see much of Will Yun Lee’s performance of Colonel Moon, which is absolutely stellar in the opening sequence. Toby Stephens is good as Gustav Graves, I guess, but I really think Lee could have carried the whole film. Not really a complaint, but oh well.

The Song:

For the twentieth Bond adventure, the Bond producers chose Madonna for the title track. Makes sense. She’s MADONNA, after all. Sadly, from the woman who has given us so many hits, we get the single WORST Bond song of all time. Seriously, this is the absolute worst. Like, by far.

I understand that not all Bond songs can be a Shirely Bassey-type song to sing in a nightclub, and I commend Madonna for experimenting, but HOLY SHIT. The fact that her voice is altered seems to go against everything that all the previous divas had done before her (y’know…singing).

For the first time during the title sequence, we continue with the story of Bond, seeing him tortured by the Koreans. And what song goes better with torture than a shitty dance track? I mean seriously, does this fit the tone of the story AT ALL? Daniel Kleinman, the titles director for Die Another Day had this to say: “The images and the music were quite difficult to reconcile, in my mind. So if I had a decision about what music track would have gone with a sequence of Bond being tortured, I probably wouldn’t have chosen that particular song.” Duh!

Worst Bond song ever.

Favorite Scene:

Bond movies usually have so many great action scenes to choose from, but I’d have to say my favorite scene from Die Another Day is actually Bond’s briefing with John Cleese’s Q. The Q scenes are some of my favorite scenes in Bond movies, due to their witty, quick banter, entendres and subtext. I absolutely love them.

And since this movie came out with the 40th year anniversary of the Bond series, Q’s lab is fit with, as Bond says “all the old relics” (perhaps alluding to Q himself). In one room, we have props from Octopussy, From Russia with Love, Thunderball, and various other movies. Also, Q mentions that Bond’s new watch would be his twentieth, in reference to the fact this is the twentieth Bond movie. Love it. If only Bond would see about returning some of that equipment.

Here’s the scene, check it out if interested:

Favorite Line:

After showing Bond a handy device:

Bond: Y’know, you’re cleverer than you look.
Q: Hmm, still, better than looking cleverer than you are. Follow me, please.

Extra Tidbit: Lawrence Makoare, who plays the henchman Mr. Kil, is a Kiwi actor who starred in The Lord of the Rings trilogy, playing Lurtz, The Witch-King of Angmar, and Gothmog.

Continue the countdown with #19 by clicking HERE!

James Bond Countdown: #21: A View to a Kill

July 25, 2012March 31, 2013 C.P.1 Comment

Number in Countdown: 21

Title: A View to a Kill

Year: 1985

Synopsis: This time, Bond starts off in Siberia, on the hunt for the body of 003 and the microchip he stole from the Russians. The Russians, not eager to lose their microchip, track Bond down and try to kill him. Bond snowboards away (to a cover version of Beach Boys’ “California Girls”. . .) and meets up with his sexy co-agent. Then they escape in their super cool (not cool at all) iceberg-submarine.

In London, Q gives a mini-lecture about microchips and how the electro magnetic pulse (or EMP) from nuclear bombs can knock them out completely. As Bond explains, everything from the common toaster to the most sophisticated computer machines would be rendered useless (MI6 needs their toasters). Q explains that one of their private defense contractors has developed a microchip impervious to EMP. The Russian microchip 003 retrieved is identical to it. (Hmmm…) M notes that the research facility was bought by Zorin Industries, although have been no leads in the extensive security check of the company. Bond proposes to investigate Max Zorin, the man in charge, but everyone is scurred because he is a positive public figure. Bond doesn’t give a shit, but they keep their investigation on the DL anyway.

MI6 takes a field trip to the horse races, where Bond binoculars in on Max Zorin (with his trusty cane) and his assistant/henchwoman May Day. Zorin’s horse wins the race in a last-minute sprint. Sir Godfrey Tibbett, horse trainer and MI6 agent, notes that Zorin’s horse of inferior bloodline might have been drugged during the race, even though tests proved negative. Through Tibbet, Bond travels to Paris to meet some French detective. Over some soup at some Eiffel Tower cafe, the French guy tells Bond that Zorin is holding a horse sale at the end of the month. The French guy is killed by a staged performer masked and dressed all in black and Bond gives chase. The stage performer gets away, leaping off the Eiffel Tower and parachuting away to safety. Bond chases in a stolen car, but fails to apprehend the murderer.

Bond and Tibbett travel to Zorin’s estate for the horse sale. After being turned down hardcore by some woman, Bond and Tibbet sneak into Zorin’s lab, where they find out Zorin’s been implanting his horses with microchips full of steroids. When Zorin needs a win, he just presses a button on his cane, and the horses become Major League Baseball players. Zorin figures out these two rapscallions are agents and tries to kill them by sending a knocked-out Bond and a dead Tippet into a car and sinking it. Bond escapes because he’s Bond.

General Gogol of the KGB visits Zorin at his racetrack and tells him he had no authorization to kill 007 (they all think he’s dead). Zorin scoffs and shrugs it off, telling Gogol and KGB folk he’s not with them anymore. One of the KGB guys doesn’t like that, saying that they funded and trained him, and calls Zorin something like a physiological freak of nature (which we’ll get to later). These words get him tossed around by May Day. Later, Zorin holds a meeting in his big-ass blimp and reveals his plan to a bunch of shareholders: He’s gonna destroy Silicon Valley and gain a monopoly over the computer chip market. All right, cool…

Bond travels to San Francisco and learns from CIA agent Chuck Lee that in World War II, Nazi scientist Dr. Carl Mortner was experimenting with steroids on pregnant women in hopes of making super-intelligent babies. They succeeded in making smart offspring, but there was one side effect: they all grew up to be psychotic. Bond and Lee speculate Zorin might be one of these experimental kids because he’s “of the right age and definitely psychotic.”

Bond later investigates one of Zorin’s oil-rigs and notices that Zorin is pumping water into his pipelines, instead of out of it. Hmmm…Bond later sees the woman who turned him down at the party and finds out she is geologist Stacey Sutton. He finds out from her that Zorin is trying to buy her family’s oil pipeline (for 5 million smackeroos), but after being attacked by Zorin’s men, she rips up the check and joins Bond in his pursuit to bring Zorin down.

Bond and Stacey travel to City Hall to find out further locations of oil rigs run by Zorin, but the Nazi-baby finds them there, killing Stacey’s boss, and setting the whole place on fire. Bond narrowly escapes, rescuing Stacey from the inferno. Framed for both the murder and the arson, Bond and Stacey escape from SF police in a firetruck. When they’re chillin’ after their escape, they figure out that Zorin might be trying to blow up some shit under some lakes in the fault-heavy area and cause a cataclysmic series of earthquakes that would set all of Silicon Valley under water.

Stacey and Bond then go investigate Zorin’s mine, and there, find a bomb deep down that will disrupt the plates and get Zorin’s plan movin’. Zorin and May Day are there to cause Bond and Stacey some trouble, and while Bond fights May Day, Stacey gets to safety. Zorin gets away as well, leaving May Day behind. Ticked off, May Day changes allegiance and helps Bond get the bomb out of the mine, even though she has to sacrifice herself to do it. Zorin is like “May Day betrayed me wtf?” (Friends don’t like it when you abandon them in a mine that has a huge bomb in it, I guess).

Bond comes out of the mine and sees Stacey running toward him. She refuses to listen to him saying “Stacey, behind you!” like five times and stupidly gets swept up by Zorin’s blimp. Bond grabs the mooring line of the blimp just as it lifts off and takes a little arial trip over San Francisco. Zorin crashes Bond into the Golden Gate Bridge, but it fails to kill 007, who instead moors the blimp to it. Bond and Zorin fight on the famous bridge with fist and axe, but eventually, Zorin falls to his death into the bay below. Dr. Mortner, the evil Nazi guy, lights a stick of dynamite (to throw at Bond, I guess), but drops in in the cabin of the blimp. Bond unties the blimp to the bridge, and after floating away for a second, the dynamite goes off and the blimp blows the hell up.

After Zorin’s defeat, Gogol awards Bond with some medal, the first time it has ever been awarded to a non-Soviet. They are all happy, but sad because Bond has been missing since the blimp explosion. Q finds him and Stacey in the shower by spying on them with some little robot (the illegitimate child of an Electrolux and Rob the Robot). He reports 007 is alive and just “cleaning up a few details.” Britain’s toasters are safe.

Things I like:

In this department, A View to a Kill really doesn’t have that much to offer. While Moonraker had a TON of stupid stuff, it at least had great locations and foxy Bond girls. This time around, the only thing I really like was the fact that Zorin was some sort of freak baby. A lot of people and Bond fans hate this part of the movie, but I think it’s awesome. Pregnant women taking steroids, having genius but insane kids, and now one of them is trying to take over the computer chip market. It’s basically saying “don’t mess with nature or else you’re gonna get weird fuckers,” and I can always support a message that supports the not-messing-around-with of nature.

I can appreciate Christopher Walken’s performance as Max Zorin as well. He plays a nice, classic Bond villain.

Apart from that, there isn’t really much else.

Things I didn’t like:

A View to a Kill is never really high up on anyone’s “top Bond lists”, including this one. Not even Roger Moore, who played Bond in this entry, liked the movie.

First off, the entire movie is just BLAND. For locations we have Paris and San Francisco, two of the most beautiful cities in the world, and yet, neither are used to their full potential (or to any potential at all). There are so many pretty sights in San Francisco they didn’t use. Even Tommy Wiseau’s The Room had better vistas of SF than this, so that’s kind of disappointing.

The two Bond girls are both kind of boring. May Day is just some buff bodyguard type lady, and Stacey Sutton is some kind of airhead geologist that is just always asking for Bond’s help. And it’s not like an endearing kind of airhead (maybe that’s what made Zorin’s blimp float). I understand that not every Bond girl can be badass, but there seems to be absolutely no chemistry between Stacey and Bond, or May Day and Bond, or anyone and anyone. Everyone just kind of seems to be going through the motions and wondering when they can all go to lunch break.

I don’t think a big problem with this movie is Roger Moore, but you can see it in his performance that even he was a little over the whole thing. By this time, he was 57 and had done six previous Bond flicks. He stated later in interviews that it was, even for himself, hard to believe that he was this playboy super secret agent at such an old age. And if the actor playing Bond isn’t really into it, then no one else is, and the whole thing sucks. Again, I’m not blaming Roger, just saying. . . meh.

The Song:

As the story goes, a drunk John Taylor of Duran Duran saw Bond producer Albert R. Broccoli at a party and asked “Hey, when are you going to have someone decent do one of the songs?” This was apparently enough to get Duran Duran the gig of writing the next theme. The only problem was that Duran Duran wasn’t really a band anymore, wrought with arguments and hurt feelings. Although they all hated each other, they managed to scrounge up and record this shitty crap.

This song has middle-eighties written all over it (as will the next song in the series), and I think it suffers greatly. It might have been a hit back in the day, but nowadays, it just. . .sucks. The melody of the verse is all right, but absolutely cannot stand the chorus where they sing “Dance! Into the fire!” So shitty. I just don’t like it at all.

Favorite part: Uhh. . .nothing?

Favorite line: “Oh, the bubbles, they tickle my. . .Tchaikovsky!” Said by Pola Ivanova as a hot tub’s bubbles, and some Tchaikovsky music, come on simultaneously.

Extra tidbit: A View to a Kill spawned four children’s Choose-your-own-adventure-types books, one of them (Win, Place, or Die) written by R.L. Stine, who would later go on to write Goosebumps! Trippy! Such a good book, in fact, that someone wrote a metal song about it.

FIND THE NEXT MOVIE IN THE COUNTDOWN BY CLICKING HERE!

Casey Poma

Humor. Creativity. Media.

Tag: countdown

James Bond Countdown: #17: Thunderball

James Bond Countdown: #18: From Russia With Love

James Bond Countdown: #19: Diamonds Are Forever

James Bond Countdown: #20: Die Another Day

James Bond Countdown: #21: A View to a Kill

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