***This article was originally posted to my old blog, but I thought I’d put it up here for you to read. It’s fun to look back at old works. All you can do, really, is laugh at them. Oh, and be thankful that work you’re currently making is miles ahead of it. ~CP***
Hey everyone, what’s happening? Haven’t been posting much after releasing some music and writing, but whatever, here I am with a little retrospective article. For those who are close to me, you’ll know I wrote my own James Bond screenplay for 2012’s Scriptfrenzy (a monthly challenge to write 100 pages of a script in 30 days) called “Lived Long Enough”. It featured a Russian baddie, an exploding motorcycle, a Bond trying to quit smoking, an old book, and a secret weapons factory, it was fantastic…ly terrible. I decided to re-write it from page one and am currently forty pages in. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’ll go anywhere, or will be somehow picked up by the real producers to get it made. I’m just doing it for fun and for some writing practice.
At least the logo was cool
But this isn’t the first time I’ve dabbled into Bond fanfic territory. Now, I hate to use the word “fan fiction” (because there is so much fucking crap associated with it), but that’s basically what it is. About six or seven years ago, I was messing around with MS Paint and made four Bond movie posters. I never ended up writing any of these adventures (nor did I really intend to), but let’s take a look back at these awful imaginings of the fanfiction universe.
1. Regal Die Today
Albert R. “Briccoli” (instead of “Brocolli”, I guess) produces Pierce Brosnan in my first shit-tastic fake Bond movie. I have no idea what the plot was going to be, but apparently it was to involve fire, Kate Beckinsale, and Naomi Watts. I think the villain’s name was going to be “Regal”, or “Mr. Regal” or something, because Regal Cinemas took over our local awesome movie theatre and turned it into a shitty one, much to the disdain of us in town (so much so, one resident made them the villain in a fake James Bond movie poster! Rrr!).
Kate Beckinsale and Naomi Watts (with words from a magazine still in her hair, apparently) were to be the Bond girls, but it was also to feature Stellan Skarsgard and Viggo Mortensen. I can only see Stellan Skarsgard being the villain of the piece, with Viggo either being an ally or the silent henchman. Wasn’t Viggo an assassin in “The Perfect Murder”? I have no clue who Naomi Watts or Kate would play, but whatever, who cares? This is stupid.
2. In Gold Blood
Oh, how clever! Get it? Instead of “In Cold Blood?” Get it. What a stupid title. Oh well.
This was to once again feature Pierce Brosnan as 007, this time, tracking down a bad guy who was trying to raise the spirits of Valhalla to try and take over the world. I know, dabbling a bit too much into fantasy, but if Bond can go to space in Moonraker, why couldn’t a guy bring an army of Einherjar to the world? (Wait, “Einherjar” is actually a pretty cool title…hmmm…)
This was to feature Natalie Portman because she was “hot” and because I was a huge Star Wars geek (well, still am…but whatever). The other girl is unknown, but if I remember correctly, she’s a porn actress, which is just what any producer would want for their serious Bond movie. Oh well, maybe she could be the henchwoman who just kills people and doesn’t say anything (name: Odd-handjob?). When looking down at the names on the bottom, I see that “Jaquin Pheonix” was going to star in it (in no relation to “Joaquin Pheonix,” y’know, the actor). I was probably really impressed with Pheonix’s villanous performance in Gladiator and decided to stick him in here, so much so that I spelled his name wrong.
There was also going to be Johnny Depp in the movie. Why the hell is he in here? Maybe he could play Felix Leiter, or another American agent. Or would he be a villain? Or like some crazy drug dealer guy like Gary Oldman in True Romance? I don’t know, of late, Johnny Depp seems to fit playing only fucking weirdos. Hell, why not just stick Jack Sparrow into the movie? I mean, we already have the spirits of Valhalla. Goodness gracious, this is a bad idea.
3. Midnight to Kill
Wow. Yikes. This time, the gray-ish haired Bond would be sent to protect some hot babe from a bunch of bounty hunters trying to kill her. I never knew why they were trying to kill her, but I just knew that the reward/bounty would have a time limit, which was MIDNIGHT on some day or whatever. Not very developed, but then again, none of these are.
This is a somewhat interesting idea, save for the fact it has no details and no real “bad guy going to take over the world” aspect, which Bond movies are kind of known for. Even “The Man With the Golden Gun”, which features a bounty hunter (or hitman or whatever), had a plot about using solar power for big-ass weapons. So, maybe, like, this girl Bond’s supposed to be protecting could, I don’t know, have some codes to stop a large terrorist plan or something, and they’ve posted some crazy reward for her head? I have no idea. I just know that Bond would kill them all, and then he’d sleep with the main heroine, because he’s Bond.
Apparently Virginie Leydoyen was going to be bounty hunting (and in a bikini, I guess). Jean Reno would probably be a bounty hunter as well, because the only person I can see being a villain in this is just a REALLY good bounty hunter that Bond would have to outwit (like Francisco Scaramanga in “Man with the Golden Gun”, hmm…).
The background of the poster shows a city, which I think is actually just a really stretched and blurry picture of the Star Wars prequels’ Coruscant. So, it’d take place in a city, and for some reason, I always imagined it’d take place during the course of one day or something. A little deviant from the Bond formula of traveling around the world and going to exotic locales, but, if done right, it…nah, it’d probably still suck.
4. Paradise Frost
Get it? Paradise Frost? Whatever. So, Miranda Frost from “Die Another Day” returns from the dead, I suppose, and is after Bond for killing that Asian guy who became a British guy and used a laser and whatever the fuck happened in “Die Another Day”. That movie sucked.
Anyway, Miranda Frost would be back and after Bond, or trying to take over the world or something. The hot girl on the right (who is on the poster as “some other hot babe”) was to be Miranda’s sister, an ally to Bond who would know exactly how to stop Miranda. And then…wait, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I have no clue in my mind why I would want to make a spin-off of “Die Another Day”. Maybe if this one was good, it’d redeem the other? No, nothing will ever redeem that Madonna song. Even though this story and idea is totally lame, I do like the poster’s blue, icy, dark color scheme and the pensive Bond.
But wait, there’s more! “From Seaside with Love”
Oh my, how could I possibly forget the 2006 production of “From Seaside with Love”? In the fall of 2006, a friend and I began filming “From Seaside with Love”, a spoofy Bond flick in which all our dorm buddies starred. I didn’t come up with the plot about Daniel Shotwell smuggling laser inside chinchillas, but I was co-director. Not only were we innovators with the first dark-skinned James Bond, but we were the first to film the entire thing on a college campus and give Mr. Bond a daughter? Wait, what? Unfortunately, the movie never got finished, and the tapes are off in obsolete-technology land (which is right next to “old project tapes” land). Luckily (or not so luckily), there is some surviving material to show that this ever took place.
Here are two amazing posters. I made this one, which is perhaps the worst poster in the history of posters:
Good Lord…
And here is a second one, based off the old cover of “From Russia with Love”:
Note “Placeholder” in the top left..yeaa..
Oh goodness. Just in case that wasn’t enough for you…the trailer:
In Conclusion:
If you’re a Bond fan, I bet you’re wanting me to be fed to Sanchez’s shark, but let me plead with you that all such people make terrible crap in their teens. I’m not saying EVERYBODY does, but most of us write terrible Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, or Harry Potter fanfic to get us going. Thank goodness I never wrote any of that (seriously, Star Wars fanfic is SO LAME). Maybe if my new Bond spec is good enough, I’ll post it up here for everyone or no one to read. Hey, that kinda sounds like a Bond title… “Everyone or no one”…to MS PAINT!
(Originally posted January 19, 2012 for rammfan518.wordpress.com)
***Warning: This review contains MASSIVE spoilers for the following Star Wars titles: “Knights of the Old Republic”, “Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords”, and the new MMO, “The Old Republic”. Just thought I’d warn you all. ~Sincerely, Rammfan518***
Part I: History Lesson
To properly explain why I was so disappointed in Drew Karpyshyn’s “Star Wars: The Old Republic: Revan”, I have to provide you with some backstory about my personal experience with both the characters and the games.
On July 15, 2003, Bioware and Lucasarts released “Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic” for the XBOX, taking it to the PC a couple months later. I didn’t play it until the next year, after my buddy from high school kept talking about how fantastic it was and how I just had to play it. I can still remember us standing in the gym, dressed in our dumb white and purple gym clothes, and him raving about Revan, Bastila, and a “huge twist”. So, the next weekend, with a two-liter bottle of Shasta Cola at my side, I rented KOTOR and began to play.
Now, this isn’t a review of the game KOTOR, but let me go ahead and say that KOTOR was one of the most enjoyable game-playing experiences I’ve had. It was easy to play, the characters were interesting, the plot, engaging. Like the original Star Wars trailer says, it was an “epic of heroes and villains and aliens from a thousand worlds.”
Since I played the game as a male (you can choose to be either female or male from the beginning), I’ll explain the story from the male perspective.
KOTOR begins with a character who has lost his memory, waking up on a Republic ship that is under attack by Darth Malak’s villanous Sith. With the aid of some dude, the man escapes in an escape pod and lands on the planet Taris below, meeting Carth Onasi, a Republic pilot, and a couple of aliens who are going to help him throughout the game. Bastila Shan, a Jedi who was on the ship as well, is somewhere on Taris, her escape pod having landed in an Unknown Place. As the man starts his adventure, he has dreams of an event on a starship, showing Jedi hottie yelling something and fighting a man named Revan.
Upon finding Bastila, you learn that you and her have a special bond in the Force, a connection that at first seems unexplainable. In time, you learn that Revan was a Sith Lord, whom Bastila defeated on his ship a while back. Revan and Malak were both great Jedi, but they disobeyed the Jedi Order and fought in the bloody Mandalorian Wars. Revan and Malak were victorious, but Malak and Revan disappeared for a bit. When the two returned, Malak and Revan with evil-ass motherfuckers who were coming to destroy the Republic.
Malak (left) and Revan (right) return as Sith baddies
Revan and Malak swept across the galaxy with their new army. Bastila was sent with a Jedi strike team to go and capture Revan. In a massive battle, Bastila and her team boarded Revan’s flagship, but before they could engage them, Malak betrayed his buddy and fired on his ship. This left Revan unconscious, clinging to life.
Bastila with a knocked-out Revan
Midway through the game, the man learns that HE is Revan, the evil dark lord, who’s had his memory wiped and was trained to be good again. Bastila preserved his mind and body through the Force, keeping him alive. Thus, the Force Bond is explained.
When playing the game, you are then given the choice to follow the path of light and deny your old evil ways, or you can choose to reclaim your title as ultimate fucker and join the dark side. Following the canonical version of the story, the new Revan chooses to be good, and if you play it a certain way, Bastila and Revan fall in love. Bastila will deny having any feelings for you, even though she admits it and stumbles over her words from time to time, angry at the emotions rushing through her. It’s a well-written love story that seems honest and organic (not like Episode II). Bastila is captured during the game and is warped to the dark side, but in the end, Revan tells her he loves her and she loves him and she’s redeemed. W00t! Revan defeats Malak and his buddies save the galaxy and they are all given a medal, woo hoo!
Near the beginning…
Toward the middle…At the end…
As I stated earlier, KOTOR was one of the best gaming experiences I’ve ever had, and many agree. KOTOR’s characters and story won the hearts of many a Star Wars and RPG fan. Me, being a softie, enjoyed the love story, and loved Bastila so much that I put her at the top of my Top Ten Star Wars Ladies list that I made four years ago.
So, Revan was a Jedi, defied the council, fought in a war, got lost a bit, came back as a Sith Lord, got defeated by Bastila, had his memory wiped, learned to be a Jedi again, learned of his past, denied it, fell in love with Bastila, became a Jedi again, and saved the Republic. Pretty cool story.
I was excited as hell when I found out there was going to be a sequel, titled “Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords.” I couldn’t wait to play as Revan again, wondering what Bastila and the rest of the crew were up to. Well, KOTOR 2 doesn’t revolve around Revan at all, but instead about a Jedi known as the Exile who blah blah something starwarsy blah blah. So where was Reavn? Luckily, the Exile comes across some of the characters from the first game, who mention Revan and explain what happened to him after the events of KOTOR.
Canderous Ordo, the Mandalorian dude from the first game, had this to say “After defeating Malak, Revan made the decision that he would travel to the Unknown Regions. He was searching for something. I wanted to go with him. I respected him, knew he could use me where he was going. But Revan refused, saying he must travel alone,” and later went on to say “Revan never said what he was looking for, or what to be ready for. I don’t know if I’ll ever know.” Later, the Exile stumbles upon a recording in T3, Revan’s droid from the first game. It’s a recording of Bastila in which she says “I’m leaving this message inside you because I have seen the glimpses of the future…and the bond that he [Revan] and I share does not allow him to hide everything from me. More of his memories have returned – and they trouble him. He has remembered something on the edge of the galaxy, and he believes that he must go there and end it. But I’m afraid for him…afraid that he may not return.” She then goes on to say “I can’t lose him, even if he believes he is protecting me.” Later in the game, there is even a cameo by Bastila and Carth, discussing Revan’s disappearence, where she says “There are times I fear we shall never know why he left, Carth. And I cannot live not knowing the answer, why he sought to protect us.” To which Carth replies, “He told us to stay, to keep the Republic safe. It was important to him.”
So, Revan went off to the Unknown Regions of space, on the intuition of some unknown threat, leaving all his friends and his beloved Bastila behind. Very dramatic!
While I would have loved for KOTOR 2 to feature Bastila and Revan together, fighting off some baddies and saving the galaxy again, I was content with this “went off into self-exile” route because there was always hope in the back of my mind that he would come back. They do get back together, I know they do, I would think. As the years went on, and Star Wars released more and more things, and after not hearing about Revan for a while, I wondered if we would ever hear back from him. Wookiepedia, the Star Wars wiki, had simply said “it is not know if he ever returned.” And that’s how it was, from 2005 onwards, until a new game was announced that once again kicked up the fan speculation.
“Star Wars: The Old Republic”, a Star Wars MMO, was announced in late October 2007, with details and a title given to us a year later. The game was to be set in the era of Revan and Bastila, just 300 years after the events of the original KOTOR, making them long dead, opening up the stage for new characters. One of the first we were introduced to was Satele Shan, Grand Jedi Master, and leader of the Council.
Distant descendant of Bastila
OMG HER LAST NAME IS SHAN! THAT MUST MEAN BASTILA HAD A CHILD!!! But who was the father? As far as we knew, Revan had gone off into the netherparts of the galaxy, never to be seen again. Did he come back and did they have kids? Did Bastila have kids with someone else? Was there perhaps another Shan out there? WHO WAS THE BABYDADDY?!
While my nerdy go-to Star Wars nerd friend said it might be someone else than Revan, but I wouldn’t listen (people say I’m stubborn sometimes…) If Revan wasn’t the father of Bastila’s child, I might have turned to the dark side. Little did I know that “Star Wars: The Old Republic: Revan” would take me dangerously close.
Part II: Revan
I found out that Revan was going to be released about a month before it hit bookshelves, and I was brimming with excitement. I cannot describe the utter glee I felt that we might finally get our hero back, and that he and Bastila will get together, and that they might have kids, and then they might go on to being overused characters in many other works of Star Wars fiction like every other character (Boba Fett, anyone?). In a world in which I thought Revan was never to return, his tale was never to end, I wondered how it would happen. How would they be reunited? How would it all happen? I ran to the bookstore, saw the twenty-seven dollar price tag, and waited to get Christmas money. After the holidays, I ran back to the bookstore, picked it up and began reading.
Now, let me remind you that the last we heard of Revan, he had gone off to the Unknown Regions of space and had not been seen for quite some time. Bastila, his love interest, and all his other buddies had been left behind to wonder what happened to him. So I was a bit confused when Revan woke up in bed next to his wife in the SIXTH PARAGRAPH of the prologue. “Careful not to wake his wife, he rolled out of bed and went to the refresher to splash some cool water on his face.” Wait, he’s married? Did he marry someone in the Unknown Regions. What? A little further down, we learn that his wife is Bastila. WHAT?
So, apparently Revan has been having some bad dreams, of a storming planet, fit with lightning, thunder, and dark clouds. Bastila suggests that he should go to the Jedi Council and talk with them about it. Revan is skeptical, and Bastila replies with some sentences ending in exclamation marks which seem to come out of nowhere. Why is she yelling? Why is Bastila, the cool, sassy, emotionally grounded female suddenly loosing her cool at the drop of a hat? Oh well, whatever.
So…the book starts with Revan and Bastila married. But…wasn’t he gone in the Unknown Regions? I thought so too…don’t worry, it all clears up (sort of) a little bit later.
So now we get to the real star of the book, some character from the new “The Old Republic” video game, Lord Scourge (whatever). In the following CHAPTERS, we learn about Lord Scourge and the Sith Empire and their council and the Emperor of the Sith Empire and all that jazz. While this might be interesting, I bought this book because it was called REVAN, and that’s who I want to read about. The book goes back and forth, alternating chapters between the Sith guy and our old hero, but I personally didn’t give two shits about Scourge. Why should I care about him? I supposed these two would meet up at the end of the book, so I gritted my teeth and made it through.
Lord Scourge
Revan goes to the Jedi Temple in hopes of finding answers about his visions. While his search is in vain, he does stumble upon some information about the Exile from KOTOR 2, who’s now been given the name Meetra Surik. After going to the Archives, he meets Canderous in a bar because he had something to tell him. Canderous tells Revan that the Mandalorian tribes are looking for the mask of Mandlolore, the almighty talisman of the Mandalorians, which unites them together and signifies their leader. Canderous says that there are tons of groups of Mandalorians looking for the mask on the snowy planet Rekkiad, where Revan might have hidden it years earlier. Revan thinks it’s important to be there when the mask is found (perhaps a clue to finding this stormy planet), so Revan and Canderous make plans to go to Rekkiad and look for it, I guess. Ok…
When Revan returns home, Bastila tells him she is pregnant, which is cool, I guess, but I’m still wondering why no one has ever mentioned that he was gone to the Unknown Regions. What the fuck? Revan tells her that he must go to Rekkiad to find out what his visions mean, so he might ensure peace for her and their unborn child. Lame. So, Bastila escorts her husband and T3 to the spaceport and watches the good ol’ Ebon Hawk take flight, pregnant with his child. Doesn’t that seem, I dunno, kind of dickish? Oh well.
So Canderous and Revan go out to Rekkiad, and there’s a chapter of them, then a chapter of the Sith, then a chapter of Revan, and blah blah, Canderous finds the mask and becomes the new Mandalore. There, Revan finds a holocron or data disk or something that tells him of some Sith and he has to go to the planet Nathema. Whatever. So Revan makes his way to Nathema, when he is shot down by Lord Scourge who had just been there, thus bringing him into the enemy’s hands. Oh no! Not really…by this time, I was over the entire book, but I had to finish.
Lord Scourge tells Lord Nyriss, his superior, that he captured Revan. Lord Nyriss then explains that she knows a bit about Revan, and says that he and Malak discovered Dromund Kaas on accident years ago. This is when she says one of the stupidest things ever, establishing the fact the Sith Emperor can bend people to his will and use them as puppets, which he did so to Revan all those years ago.
So… before KOTOR I, when Revan and Malak attacked the Republic, he was being manipulated? He wasn’t even being evil? He was just a puppet the entire time? FUCKING LAME. Doesn’t that change his WHOLE CHARACTER and lessen the significance of his redemption? What the fuck? Rrrrr.
So, Lord Nyriss and Lord Scourge plan on learning all these secrets from Revan, how he’s now resisting the Emperor’s manipulation and all that, putting him in a detention cell.
Alright, so let’s get onto Part II of the book. Part Two begins with no real frills, and at first, I didn’t even notice it WAS part two. What the fuck? Look at this picture.
“Part Two” in the top right corner. Why so small?
Anyway, part two begins with the sentence: “Bastila tucked her son into bed and leaned down to kiss him on the cheek.” Huh? She have another son? Who was this kid? “At the door, she turned and looked back at him, marveling at how much the three year-old boy already looked like his father.” Oh, so the kid’s three already? Oh, ok. You think they could have at least devoted a whole page to saying “PART TWO” so I wouldn’t get all fucking confused. Anyway, whatever. So I guess it’s been three or so years since we last left off. Revan’s been captive for three years and Bastila’s been stuck raising the child. Ok…
The opening scene of part two is Bastila and Meetra talking, (god, I hate this fucking book), discussing Revan and where he went. In short, this scene brought to light that all the events in Part One were BEFORE the events of KOTOR 2 and BEFORE Revan ever went off into the Unknown Regions. So, you’re telling me that when we saw Bastila in KOTOR 2, she was already married and had a child with Revan? Man, fuck that. Fuck that like a hundred times. That’s fucking stupid.
So, now, Part Two (AFTER KOTOR 2), Bastila and Meetra meet up and Bastila wants to find Revan. Meetra suggests that she go, along with the trusty droid T3 to seek him out. Bastila does wish to go 1) but would think leaving behind her son or 2) taking him with her would be a bad idea, which actually kind of makes sense (which is good in storytelling, y’know…).
So Meetra and T3 go off and whatever and blah and fucking boring and eventually, they reach Dromund Kaas, the Sith world where Revan has been captive. Meetra manages to get a meeting with Scourge, and whatever, they agree to be allies out of circumstances because both share a common enemy, the Sith Emperor, who’s fucking cray cray and wants to destroy EVERYTHING. After a little skirmish, Scourge, Meetra, Revan, and T3 escape and head for Kaas City to confront the Emperor himself. I understand the urgency of the situation, but if I were Revan, wouldn’t I want to see MY WIFE AND CHILD first? Like…I don’t know. At least he asks about them right off the bat.
So, anyway, the three go to Kaas City and confront the Sith Emperor because he might whatever and be evil and shit. By this point, I was done. I expected that we’d get a confrontation with the Emperor, then Revan, Meetra, and T3 would escape. THEN Revan would get back to Bastila, THEN they’d live happily ever after. But I was fucking wrong.
First off on the death list is T3, the trusty droid, who’s blasted away in like three sentences. “Almost too weak to move, Revan managed to raise his head just in time to see the Emperor turn on the brave little astromech. A tremor rippled through the air as the Emperor unleashed the full power of the Force against the defenseless droid. >T3 never stood a chance. The little droid exploded into a million pieces, internal circuits and external casing obliterating in a single instant.” While Revan DOES shout “No!”, this is all we’re given for T3’s death. WHAT THE FUCK? You just kill him off in like two seconds? There’s no kind of literary equivalent of the slow-motion death? Why didn’t he just write “And the Emperor blew him up. Moving on...” Fuckin’ A.
Next up, we get Meetra. “Instead of advancing with his two companions, Scourge stepped to the side so that he was standing directly behind Meetra. There was a flicker in his consciousness as the universe snapped back to full speed, and he slid the blade of his lightsaber between her shoulders. > Meetra gasped and toppled forward, dead before she hit the ground.” …serious? You kill off T3 on page 277, and then kill off Meetra on page 279? What the fuck? Why am I getting a feeling that this author is cleaning house with these characters he doesn’t seem to have any use for? It should have just said “And since they don’t do anything else, they get killed and he dies.” Like, these are CHARACTERS that fans have come to love and appreciate, and you just throw them away? How mean!
At this point, I was about ready to throw the book across the room, but I kept going. I thought “Alright, Revan’s going to get out of here AT LEAST, get back to Bastila, inform everyone of the Sith, and then live with her and stuff.” Well, I was wrong again, for what transpires, has to be, for me, one of the most disappointing endings in any story for me ever.
Revan gets his fucking ass kicked by the two-timing Scourge (never trust a Sith, dude) and the Emperor. However, he does not die. After a page break, Revan finds himself in a sort of laboratory/prison “hovering somewhere between life and death”. He can feel the Emperor feeding off of him and his energy. We learn the Emperor wants the secrets of the Republic, and the Jedi, their ways, and so forth, so he put Revan in this stasis-prison thing where he could interrogate him seemingly forever. Ok…what?
The epilogue, however, is what really set me off. It begins with Reesa asking “Why is your hair all gray?” She’s asking this Bastila, her grandmother, who replies “Because I’m an old, old woman.” Now, hold the phone…Bastila’s fucking old now? The scene follows, their son old now, married and with children. They talk about some shit and whatever and how she misses Revan and fuck whatever who cares. YOU TELLING ME SHE NEVER SAW REVAN AGAIN?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! From the moments we saw her heartbroken in KOTOR 2, wondering why he left, wondering if he’d ever come back. . .HE DIDN’T? You’re telling me that myself, and many other Star Wars fans, waited seven years for the reunification of these two and IT NEVER CAME? WHAT THE FUCK?! Then what the fuck did I read this for?
Let me break this up for a moment to enter in the unrelated complaint that NO ONE ACTS LIKE THEY DID IN THE GAME, especially Bastila. Bastila, in the games, was sassy and tight-lipped, and resistant to show any emotion. There always was a lighter side there (perhaps an intense one), but she was always embarrassed to show it. So why in this book is she not fucking sassy or ANYTHING? All she does is sit around. SERIOUSLY? SHE’S BASTILA, not that fucking lame-o Padme. Anyway, back to me feeling shitty about the ending.
Spurred on my nerd-rage at the ending, I went to the internet and did some research. I checked up Wookiepedia’s Revan page, and this is where the biggest blow came. I learned that Revan came out of his stasis 300 years later. Wait, 300 years later? Isn’t that the same time…as the new video game? ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME.
Revan in the new game :/
So, the only reason Revan was put into a stasis-prison was so that he could be in your little video game? SERIOUSLY? Why does Star Wars ALWAYS shoe-horn? ALWAYS. We love our characters, we do, but they don’t have to be in EVERYTHING, and the reasons for why they are in everything are fucking terrible. Don’t they understand that shoe-horning in characters in stories they don’t belong in sacrifices the story? Just look at the way Boba Fett was shoe-horned into Episode II and tell me it isn’t lame.
Some people have said they appreciate the tragic end to Bastila and Revan’s romance. Don’t get me wrong, I like tragic endings to love stories too (Romeo and Juliet, etc.), but not when they AREN’T warranted. If Revan or Bastila died, sacrificing themselves for one another, or their child, that would have been different. But the only reason this love story is tragic is because they wanted to put Revan in a game that takes place 300 years later. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? Makes me so damn mad.
So, was this book even a story, or just a thinly veiled advertisement for the video game? YES, it IS called “The Old Republic: Revan”, but I didn’t think they could possibly fuck it up this bad. Lord Scourge is in the game, the Sith Emperor is in the game, Revan is in the game. What is this? Storytelling, or marketing? And why can’t you just do both well?
AND, apparently in the new game (in one of the modes or whatever) you confront Revan, and after defeating him, he vanishes in a bright light…and that’s it. Even Wookiepedia states: “But before the final blow could be struck, Revan disappeared in a flash of light. Not a trace of him could be found. It was unknown whether he became one with the Force or somehow managed to escape.” In another cutscene I’ve seen, Revan talks about Meetra and how she meant so much to Republic, but how, to her, she meant “…more.” Wait, are you insinuating that Revan and Meetra had a thing going on too? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Some are complaining that this “escaped in a flash of light” ending is a terrible end to Revan, and I heartily agree with that. They no doubt didn’t kill him off just so he could come back later in some other story. *Defeated sigh* Characters have their arcs, leave it at that.
So, what are they going to do with him, now? Make sure he’s in every Old Republic-era material, clone him, and put him in stasis, and then reveal there was another person pretending to be him? This is all fucking dumb. Why can’t they just end a good story when they can? Why do they gotta fuck shit up?
Part III: How I would have done it
I told my friends about this (like, all of them, sorry. friends), and they asked me how I would have done it. How would I have put Revan in a game 300 years after the events of his life? While I stressed that I NEVER WOULD BECAUSE THAT’S FUCKING STUPID, they urged me on. I thought for about a minute, sipping my beer, and came up with that some sort of Force-curse was put on him that would grant him long life. Maybe it would drain the Force from him as well, or something, but yes, granted with long life or immortality. You want a tragic ending? How fucking tragic would it be for Revan to come back home and see his wife and child, and all his grandchildren, grow up and die? Generation after generation of family members, dying, going through life’s cycles, all the while, Revan there to watch. Now THAT’S tragic. Then, when you find him in TOR, you could perhaps find him in exile, cut off from the galaxy, a strange old hermit, if you will, destined to live out his days in sadness. Then, he could, I dunno, join your team or whatever.
But this section is not to discuss this whole shoe-horning thing, but how I would have written it, had Lucas Books come to me and said “Hey, Rammfan, want to write the story of Revan and Bastila?” Of course I would, I would love to!, and here’s what follows here is a simple draft and some brainstorming how I would’ve done it. I know, it borders on fanfiction, but let’s not use that bad word, ha. Here goes nothing:
Let’s see. The book would start out with some Republic ship or whatever with some Jedi on board, that is near the Unknown Regions of space. Maybe then they could be attacked or something by some Sith or whatever, but not before sending a distress signal to the Republic. The Jedi send a message to the Council, saying that they sense a strong Force presence out here, a great one of sorrow and despair. The ship is then destroyed and the recording is cut off.
Classic Bastila
Enter Bastila Shan, Jedi hottie and sassy lady. We could chronicle her on a mission on Coruscant or something, re-introducing us to the heroin we all loved so much. In this scene, we’d re-establish her CHARACTER TRAITS (sassy, attitude, bitchy, smart-ass, etc.) from the game. After defeating, I dunno, a gang-lord who was holding children captive or something, we’d have her returning to her apartment on Coruscant. Here, we could establish that she’s about to go on a mission to, I dunno, Alzoc III, in the next couple days to do something thing.
While tough on the outside (as always), we learn that Bastila is vulnerable, still missing Revan, still thinking about their adventures and her redemption (he saved her from the dark side, remember?). And we could explain how she’s been feeling this way the past four years (remember, he went off to the Unknown Regions!) and how she wonders if he would come through the door, even though she knows it’s silly because he doesn’t know where she lives and so on. Then, just before she is about to go down to sleep, she receives a message from the Jedi Temple about a recording they have received. She’s a bit surprised when she finds out it doesn’t have to do with the Alzoc III mission, but tells them she will get in the morning. When they tell her it’s from the Unknown Regions, she agrees to see it now.
She is greeted at the Temple by whoever and whatever Jedi Masters are there. I’m guessing there could be some from KOTOR 1 or whatever, like that little Yoda dude, but remember, this story is not about cameos, but about Revan and Bastila. So, anyway, Bastila learns of the great presence in the Unknown Regions. Everyone knows she immediately thinks of Revan, but no one says anything. She is asked to investigate the strange force, and upon asking why, she is told that it might be Revan and if anyone should go an investigate, it should be her because of the Force bond they shared. She fails to bring up their romantic relationship to the council. If she were to accept this mission, she would have to go immediately. She is sent back home to think about everything.
Bastila doesn’t hesitate to make her decision. So, the next morning she contacts Jolee and Juhani, asking them to go on the Alzoc III mission for her. They don’t really want to go at first, but when Bastila tells them that the mission might concern Revan, they quickly volunteer to take her Alzoc III mission and encourage her to find him and bring him back.
Next, Bastila goes to, I dunno, some Republic building or something and asks to see Carth Onasi. The guards there says he has a meeting in a couple minutes, but she Force Mind Tricks them into letting her see him. She knows it’s wrong, but does it anyway. Here, she asks Carth if he wants to take her to the Unknown Regions on this dangerous mission. Like Juhani and Jolee, he decides to help when he learns about Revan. This is when Mission and Zaalbaar come in. It’s impossible for them not to learn about the mission, and they want to go along. Bastila thinks it too dangerous to have them, so she tells them to aid Juhani and Jolee, where help will be needed. Zaalbaar insists on going to find Revan (because of the whole life debt thing), but Bastila assures them the best way to help Revan would be to help her and go to Alzoc III. They reluctantly agree and wish Bastila all the best.
(It might also be nice to introduce, I dunno, NEW CHARACTERS, like perhaps a young person Bastila could take on as an apprentice, or perhaps a stowaway who was on the ship, whatever, all that could be figured out later.)
So, Carth and Bastila go looking out to investigate what the threat was, which will lead them to some planet and whatever or something (all this could be worked out later), and GASP, they will eventually find Revan in the hands of some Sith cult led by some woman, let’s call her Sithlady for now.
So, Bastila and Carth report their findings to the Jedi Council that there is a Sith Cult out here in the Unknown Regions. They call for the Republic to help them out, but the Republic is stretched too thin and they need more proof before sending any ships. Bastila is a bit furious, as is Carth. If things weren’t bad enough, Bastila and Carth receive a message from Juhani and the others on Alzoc III that they need help. Bastila, sensing Revan close-by, doesn’t want to leave him. Carth understands this, having lost his wife a while back in the bombing of Telos. Bastila tells him to drop her off planetside and then help the others, which he does.
Bastila confronts Sithlady’s block-headed forces
She kills some baddies and whatever, searching the planet, finding that Sithlady is building a whole fleet of ships. She is eventually overwhelmed by some Sith people with lightsabers or taken out somehow. Either way, she is captured by Sithlady. There’s some hopelessness and blah and stuff, and it is now that we learn that Sithlady was what Malak and Revan discovered the first time they were out in the outer rim. They found her being all evil and shit, but in them trying to defeat her and turn her back to the light side, she turned them to the dark side. Malak and Revan defeated her, taking her army and returning to the Republic to wreak havoc. But she was not defeated, and Revan had felt her presence in the back of his mind, although at the time he could not remember what it was. Sithlady quickly captured Revan when he went to the Unknown Regions, and has now been holding him, torturing him, trying to break him, making him suffer for defeating her and ruining her plans. Bastila can feel the sorrow in Revan’s heart, and knows that he is about to die. When he gets tortured, it hurts her as well, and although she tries her best to break free from her bonds, she can’t.
Then, for a rousing act III, Sithlady could bring Revan and Bastila together in the same room so she can watch Revan die. Sithlady begins to, I don’t know, electrocute him or something, bringing him close to death, which would pain Bastila immensely. Then, just as she’s about to bring Revan’s death to realization, there is a great big disturbance. In classic Star Wars fashion, Carth and Jolee and all the others have returned from Alzoc III and have brought what ships they could. This is enough of a distraction for Bastila to finally break free of her bonds, get a lightsaber from somewhere (detail to be figured out later), and take on Sithlady.
While Carth, the others, and the Republic fight on the ground and in space, destroying Sithlady’s army, Bastila and Sithlady have quite a battle, and when things start to look grim, Revan is broken from his bonds. He gets a lightsaber from somewhere (once again, to be worked out later) and he and Bastila fight together against Sithlady. So, after lots of fighting, the Republic wins and Bastila and Revan defeat Sithlady, Sithlady, both of them destroying his past, together. SYMBOLISM! Then, at last, free from the torment of the Sith, and free to be together, Bastila and Revan share a kiss as the Sith fleet routs into the wilds of space.
For our denouement, Bastila, Revan and the others could return to the Republic, once again, as heroes. Yay! But this time, Revan would be here to stay.
Now, IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO TIE THIS INTO THE NEW GAME, because YOU JUST GOTTA out of some DUMB NEED or CONTRACTUAL AGREEMENT, then I would have a final scene where Revan and Bastila are in their Coruscant apartment or whatever and he is feeling restless in the night. She finds him on the balcony, looking off toward the night traffic, sipping some cocoa or rum and coke (w00!) or something. She could ask him what is troubling him, and he could say “nothing.” She could then joke that he isn’t going to go off and leave again, to which he replies “no”. He tells her he’ll go inside in a minute and just needs to collect his thoughts. This is when we find out that he felt something else out in the Unknown Regions. Nothing strong, just an inkling. Sithlady is gone, but there was a threat that was still there…something out there, elusive. Revan knows he could never leave Bastila, his friends, and the Republic again. He decides not even to tell her nor the Jedi, in fears of causing them further distress, but instead vows to himself to train the best Jedi he can be the best Jedi he can, so that whatever threat he sensed can be easily dispensed with when the time comes. Then he could return to bed.
The inkling of whatever he felt could of course be the new Sith Empire from the new game coming out. So, he could have sensed this threat 300 years before, feeling the Emperor’s power or whatever. So, it’s kind of like a teaser trailer for the game, which I think is a WAY BETTER way to generate fan interest than shoe-horning and putting characters in stories that take place in eras they never lived.
So yea, that’d be my take on the ending to the Bastila/Revan story. I think it’d be nice as well to perhaps have a young kid, like a stowaway on the ship, that Bastila could at first hate and then grow to like. Y’know? Like how Alan Grant hates kids in the beginning of Jurassic Park, but then has to protect Lex and Tim, thus, at the end of the movie, liking them. Wouldn’t it be sweet if Bastila and Revan adopted said orphan to raise as their own? I think it’d be grand, but oh well. Maybe my version sucks worse than the one Drew wrote, who knows. I’m sure you’ll voice your opinions in the comments.
Part IV: Conclusion
Well, here we are. I don’t really know what else to say. My nerdy Star Wars friend told me I should have seen it coming. Had I been more attentive, I might have noticed the book was called “The Old Republic: Revan”. I guess I just focused more on the “Revan” than “the Old Repbulic.” So, Revan’s story continues in the MMO. Didn’t Lucas Books take into account that some of us might not want to play the MMO? I mean, I love the cinematic videos and Bioware rocks, but I have a crappy computer and no interest to play an MMO. So…where does that leave fans like me?
I don’t know what else to say. I guess with these things, everyone is going to have their own opinion. I can’t speak for a bunch of fans. All I speak for is myself, and I’m sorry Mr. Karpyshyn, but I was severely disappointed in your novel and the entire direction Revan’s character is being taken in.
Imagine it’s 1987 and there’s just “Star Wars” and “The Empire Strikes Back.” Now, there’s a new Star Wars TV show coming on that takes place 300 years later, with a Skywalker lead character and some bad guy. In anticipation for the show, they’re coming out with the third Star Wars movie, called “Return of the Jedi”. The last we saw of our heroes in “The Empire Strikes Back”, Han was frozen and taken away, Luke had just learned Vader’s his father, Leia was in love with Han. Well, what if Luke wasn’t very heroic, Lando and Chewie died in like three shots, and Leia never saw Han Solo again. But hey, he’s in the TV show, so…awesome! Man, fuck that.
I feel like “Knights of the Old Republic” and “The Old Republic”, although both developed by Bioware, should be, narratively, two separate entities. KOTOR characters should stay in their KOTOR era, and TOR characters, although descendents of KOTOR characters, should stay in their TOR era. I don’t know…what’s done is done, and no matter what I say, there’s nothing Bioware or Lucasfilm or Lucas Books is going to about it.
Fan favorites are nice. Revan, Boba Fett, Yoda, Vader…they’re all fun to have in a story, but as I said, only if it’s warranted. Was there any real reason to put Boba Fett in the prequel trilogy? No. Was there ANY REASON to put Yoda in ONE SCENE of the “Force Unleashed II”? No. Was there any reason to put Revan in The Old Republic MMO? No. The narrative will ALWAYS suffer. ALWAYS. The narrative will also suffer if you just make a story to make money. I always figured that if a story is good, it will in turn make MORE MONEY because people will want to experience it again and again. But what do I know? I work in a deli, so whatever.
Drew knew that writing this book was a ballsy deed, saying on his blog: “Okay, now let’s talk Revan. I knew when I started working on this book that it was a ticking time bomb. Star Wars fans – and KOTOR fans in particular – are very passionate, and taking a character every player personalized and turning him into my personal version was a potential recipe for disaster. “
He goes on to state: “However, I’ve noticed that people who like the novel enjoy it for what it *is* [an advertisement], while those who are upset tend to be angry over what it *isn’t* [what we’ve all been waiting for]. For example, many of the 1-star folks are upset because the book doesn’t have the typical happy ending. I’m not sure why they’re surprised by this – KOTOR 2 established that Revan disappeared alone into the Unknown Regions and didn’t return.” Let me just clear that up by saying KOTOR 2 never established that he never came back. There was always the possibility he could return.
Well, there’s nothing else to say, is there? Maybe I’ll write an angry letter to this Mr. Karpyshyn, because, you know, it’s not nerdy what I’ve done enough already. Drew said it himself “ Star Wars fans – and KOTOR fans in particular – are very passionate,” so why was he so careless with taking a “character every player personalized”? Oh well, it’s just a book based on a just a video game that was based on just a movie. Fuck it. Real shame, though. Real shame.
(Originally posted June 9, 2011 on rammfan518.wordpress.com)
I was in Target today, trying to find those little hooks you put in the ceiling from which to hang things. I don’t even know if they even have them there, and it really doesn’t matter anyway because once I stumbled into the entertainment section, I forgot about them completely.
I don’t know if you have been in a Target recently, but I go often enough to notice they play the same five trailers in their entertainment department over and over (and over and over. . .and over). To my dismay, these were all advertisements for children’s movies. Don’t get me wrong, children are a huge percentage of the human population and just because I’m a twenty-three year old who is pessimistic and likes “scary” metal doesn’t mean I should hate on the movies that are marketed to them. But. . .I’m going to anyway.
Here are my grievances with you, children’s movie trailers!
Songs Used in Trailers
While looking for “Kung Fu Panda” (an excellent kid’s movie), I couldn’t help but hear the trailer for the film “Alpha and Omega”, which to my understanding is a wolf-ified version of “Romeo and Juliet”. Now while the film might be good and give a good message to kids, I groaned at the usage of Duran Duran’s 1982 hit, “Hungry like the wolf”. I mean. . .I know the movie’s about wolves. . .but . . .really? Just because it’s about wolves, you have to have a popular song that mentions wolves? That song’s about stalking, isn’t it? I’m confused.
Another example where this sort of “song/title/plot” association happens is in the trailer for 2009’s “Marmaduke”, about some dumb dog who moves to the OC with his cat friend. This trailer not only features one song about California, but two. One of them is the OC Theme song, the one with the guy moaning “Califorrrniaaaaaa”. Alright, I get it. The dog mentioned California. . . so we need a song about California. But wait, we need another song about California. Now, the trailer-makers could have chosen any other song about California: “California Dreamin'”, “Hotel California” or every single fucking Red Hot Chili Peppers song. The one they decided to go with was 2PAC’s “California Love”. Wait, what? Is Marmaduke moving to same neighborhood where “pimps be on a mission for them greens”? Or where “lean mean money making machines servin’ fiends” do their thing? Maybe just to California where “hoochies” are just “screamin'”. Just seems kind of dumb.
I love the Kung Fu Panda movies. They’re well-written, well-structured, have good messages about a myriad of things, are beautiful to look at. But dude, yes. . .it’s a Kung Fu movie. . .do you have to have “Kung Fu Fighting” in the trailer? Like. . .we already know it’s about Kung Fu. . .
So, based on this principle, if I made a movie about a bear, would I have to use a song about bear in the trailer? Would I have to use the Descendents song “I want to be a bear”? Or how about a movie about Vultures with Wesley Willis’ “Vultures Ate My Dead Ass Up”? Seriously, trailer makers, get a little creative.
Stupid Puns
Look, I know I’m twenty-three and not the right target audience for these movies, but jesus. For a prime example of this, refer to the image below:
I would have prefered the taglines “Dogs are stupid”
Get it? Hairy? Because they’re animals! Cats and Dogs did this again with a poster for their next film in the franchise:
Purr-fect! LOL! Fuck me. I mean, seriously. Quit HORSE-ing around! He’s fighting with a PORPOISE! Things are going to get FURRY! He’s BARKING mad. It’ll make you BATTY!
Knock it off. Just fucking knock it off.
People Falling
I don’t know what it is about the kid-movie world, but is everyone 1) always surprised and 2) in such a surprise that they have to fall over? I don’t remember the last time I was so surprised I fell down. Who the fuck does that?
Borders 50% coupon! OMG!!
The Marmaduke trailer I mentioned earlier has at least two instances of this. Marmaduke was running into William H. Macy, causing him to flip over a billion times and crash on his face. This didn’t happen just once, but twice. Later in the trailer, Marmaduke’s cat friend said some witty thing (because cats are smart and witty and not stupid like dogs), and Marmaduke sent him flying in some sort of recliner that launches people. (Yea. . .I don’t know why anyone would even have that.) Is that funny? Oh, it is? Really?
This trailer below, has EVERYTHING I have mentioned. The film is called “Furry Vengeance” and stars Rick O’Connel after his Mummy-slaying days. Not only does it have a popluar song that sort of relates to the plot, but it also has a pun and people falling. THREE TIMES. Once on a treadmill, once out of bed for no reason, and third, in and outhouse of tree. I don’t get it, but then again, I’m not seven, so whatever.
The narrator or titles spelling it out for you
I guess you could say that all movie trailers do this to a certain extent, but holy crap, do kid’s movies really shove it in your face. For example, in the trailer for “Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown”, a movie about people making fun of Linus for his blanket, the narrator says “but sometimes growing up means standing up for what makes you happy.” Spoiler alert! Why do I even need to see this movie anymore?
In the trailer for the modern take on “Beauty and the Beast”, “Beastly”, the titles say “This Summer. It’s what’s underneath.” I really thought it was going to continue on to say “It’s what’s underneath that counts” or “It’s what’s underneath that matters”, but it just stops there. “It’s what’s underneath.” While this doesn’t seem like a complete sentence, it does a good job of giving us the THEME OF THE DAMN MOVIE. Once again, why do we even need to see it now?
To me, a good trailer presents a problem, then asks a “can our hero make it out of the jam?” question. Then you’re like “I wanna see that!” to see if they get out of the jam or not. The theme is learned at the end of seeing the film. See? Let’s say you watch “Beastly”. Afterwards, if you’d been paying attention, you might say “Oh. . .maybe it’s really about what’s underneath the surface! I get it!” and then continue to be a superficial asshole for the remainder of your days.
What if someone gave you a trailer for Little Red Hen, and in it they said “sometimes, you have to work for what you earn.” Wouldn’t you rather just learn that on your own while watching the movie? Or what if someone told you the moral to an Aesop fable before they started telling it to you? I dunno about you, but I’d be mad. (REALLY MAD!)
Conclusion
To stress my point, look at three great children’s movies, “The Wizard of Oz”, “The Lion King”, or “Beauty and the Beast”. How many fart jokes are in “The Wizard of Oz”? How many times do people fall over for no reason in “The Lion King?” Maybe once or twice? Did “Beauty and the Beast” trailer have the song “Beast of Burden” by the Rolling Stones? No. It didn’t.
I guess what I’ve realized over the course of writing this is that movies like the ones mentioned above are good MOVIES, not just good kid movies. Perhaps this is why “The Wizard of Oz” just had a 70th Anniversary release. You think “Furry Vengeance” is going to have one in 2080? How many people are going to show “G Force” to their kids? Let alone remember it?
Now, I’m in a weird place. On one hand, I have written this whole entire thing, telling you why I hate these previews and these movies. On the other hand, can I really hate on something that is making children laugh? Not really. I guess what I come away with is that while dumb kids movies will make kids laugh now, good children’s movies (like “Wizard of Oz” and such) will children laugh for years to come. So yea. . .I still need to find those hooks.
***This article acts like a giant spoiler for the whole series of books. If you still want to read them, I suggest you come back and read this after you have finished. Sincerely, Rammfan518***
As you know from reading this blog (if you actually follow it), I am not a big fan of stereotypical fantasy. If you don’t know about my hate for it, it means I am angered by Dwarves who love riches and live in mountains, Elves that live in the forest and are wise, and Humans being the fantastical world’s moral-scale experiment. However, when I was aching for something to read earlier this summer, my friend let me borrow his huge omnibus of “The Dark Elf Trilogy.” I had heard about this trilogy before in 2002, because some bookworm friend of mine was reading them. I had also heard of the character Drizzt do’Urden for a couple of years, but interest in reading either the books or about the hero was absent. So, I was anxious to see what everyone (nerds) was talking about.
I ripped through “Homeland,” the first chronological Legend of Drizzt book, at an amazing speed. Something about a whole other world about Dark Elves and the inter-workings of an underground, corrupt warrior-society was intriguing. And of course, the whole question of whether Drizzt would leave his horrible homeland or not. When he did, I was elated, and ready to go on the next journey. The second book, “Exile”, dealt with Drizzt wandering the caverns of the Underdark, trying to make friends and fighting some more monsters. A scheming villain, Jarlaxle, is introduced. By the end of the book, Drizzt realizes that he must go to the surface world. In “Sojourn,” Dirzzt makes it to the surface and there, meets a few people, some new enemies, entering a whole new world of discovery.
The next book, “The Crystal Shard” was typical fantasy fare at its most basic. There was seriously no deviating from the fantasy-book formula, as Drizzt helped defeat some wizard with the help of his newly found friends, Breunor, Cattie-Brie, Regis, and Wulfgar. In “Streams of Silver”, Drizzt and his friends go and seek out Mithral Hall, the lost Dwarven city. They fight monsters and evade a new villain to the series, Artemis Entreri. In “The Halfling’s Gem,” Drizzt and his buddies have to save their friend Regis from Artemis.
The next series is called “The Legacy of the Drow,” where Drizzt’s pissed-off family search out to kill him. The first book, “The Legacy”, features Drizzt alongside Regis, Cattie-Brie, Breunor, Wulfgar, fighting against Artemis and Jarlaxle. (Although it appears Wulfar is dead by the end of the novel, we later learn in the series that he is not.) In the next book “Starless Night”, Drizzt fights alongside Regis, Cattie-Brie, and Breunor, and fight against Artemis and Jarlaxle. Then I stopped reading, and I’ll tell you why.
For me, the Legend of Drizzt started out wonderfully, then slowly started to decline. Like a sitcom that has run out of material (i.e. Simpsons), it painfully and annoyingly repeated the same conventions over and over . . . and over. What I liked about the first three books of the Legend of Drizzt series was that in each book, there was different setting, and Drizzt LEARNED things. He learned something about life, and experience, and there were situations that dealt with morality, what is right and wrong, and how we feel about said situations. He struggled with his feelings about leaving his home, fighting against a zombie-version of his father, and making friends in the new world. He told the readers how he would feel when he would be outcast by an ignorant people. The first three books dealt with the issues of prejudice, racism, internal struggle, morality, and religion.
From the Crystal Shard onwards, Drizzt drops his introspective aspects and simply becomes and action hero, fighting off monsters and defeated wayward wizards. The themes about what is right and wrong are thrown right out the window, and killing Orcs is in. It is a bit like the Matrix trilogy, in which the first film raises questions about this or that and makes you think, whereas the next two are just action movies. The Icewind Dale trilogy seemed stale; tales ridden with absolutely meaningless adventure and action scenes. No one ever died or sacrificied, and actions were hardly questioned.
As if the loss of the moral depth of the first three books wasn’t enough, The Legend of Drizzt series suffers from a serious problem. In the first three books of the series, Drizzt goes to new places, meets new people, learns from them, and ultimately bids farewell to locations and friends he has made along the way. Once we get to the Icewind Dale trilogy, we have the same characters book after book after book after book. Now, you might think “Well, yea. . .it’s a fantasy series, of course it has the same characters.” I suppose that’s correct, but they run dry after a couple books, and frankly, after that many books, I get sick of the same damn group of people going on some damn adventure that they are for sure not going to die on. So, what is the point of reading?
But what is perhaps worse that using the same morally-good characters over and over is the repeated use of two villains. I cannot tell you how much I cannot stand the two assassins known as Artemis Entreri and Jarlaxle. Jarlaxle is that scheming Drow, who always has a trick up his sleeve. Artemis Entreri is Wario to Drizzt’s Mario, a great fighter and assassin. While these characters are fine and dandy, I cannot read every fucking fight between Artemis and Drizzt. They fight in Book Five, Book Six, Book Seven, Book Eight, and Book Nine, all the while spouting off their philosophies, never really defeating each other. This can get tiring from book to book, reading about the same swordsmen duel it out and try to better each other. It might work twice, but five or more times? I don’t think so. And Jarlaxle is in the book just as common, if not more so.
Repetitive much?
I was in the book store a week or two ago, and I saw that R.A.’s latest book in the Drizzt line of novels had been released. It was called “The Ghost King” and is the third part of the Transitions trilogy. I believe it is the nineteenth book to follow Drizzt in his many adventures. In the first book of this Transitions trilogy, we have the characters of Drizzt, Breunor, Cattie-Brie, Wulfar, and other series staples. Seriously. . .should characters introduced in the fourth book of a series still be in the seventeenth? Seriously, it begins to run dry after a while. I don’t feel like reading about the same fucking group of heroes who will never die or be defeated. It’s just boring, man.