In preparation for November’s “Skyfall”, I’ll be counting down all the Bond movies from my least favorite to favorite. Twenty-two movies in all, so let’s get going! Warning: Spoilers below!

Number on countdown: 13

Title: Dr. No

Year: 1962

Synopsis:

Three blind men walk through a coastal town, sunglasses on and sticks waving. They make it to the Queens Club, where some dude named Strangways is playing cards. He tells his buddies he has to go check his calls, and passes the blind men as he approaches his car. He gives them some coins. They thank him by peppering him with bullets. Strangways’ body is then loaded into a hearse which speeds off. At Strangways’ place, his secretary calls London with a secret radio behind a bookshelf. She is promptly gunned down. The murderous men remove her body and then look through the file cabinet, pulling out the one labeled “Doctor No”.

In London, military radio dudes report that W6N, Kingston Jamiaca, broke contact just after they came up on routine transmission. The men quickly notify MI6. At the fancy-ass club Le Cercle, a man in a suit comes looking for James Bond. The receptionist won’t let him in because he’s not a member, but notifies the Bacarat-playing Bond, that there is someone there to see him. Bond lamentably leaves the table, and the very attractive Ms. Trench he’s playing with, but she follows, and they flirt a bit until Bond schedules a golf meet-up and dinner for tomorrow afternoon.

Bond returns to MI6 and greets Moneypenny, M’s secretary, with whom he playfully flirts. In his meeting with M, Bond learns that in addition to Strangways going off the air, he, and his secretary, have completely vanished. M explains that he was investigating an inquiry by the United States about interference with their Cape Canaveral rockets and that a CIA gentleman named Leiter was sent down there. Before he can set off to find out what’s happening, Bond is then given his new gun, the Walther PPK, and leaves the office. Bond returns to his flat and senses something amiss. Gun drawn, he opens a door, only to find Ms. Trench, dressed scantily in one of his shirts, playing golf on his carpet. Sadly, he’s going to have to miss their date, but they have just enough time to mess around.

Bond arrives in Jamaica the next morning. While walking through the airport, a foxy lady tries to take a photo of him, but he puts his hat in front of his face. A moment later, he is greeted by Mr. Jones, who Universal Exports sent to pick him up. Bond phones “Universal Exports”, asks if they have sent a car for him, and learns they had not. Bond, most skeptical of this pick-up, goes along anyway and tells the driver to just “take him for a ride”. Someone in sunglasses follows the them, so Bond encourages he take the next turn off on the right. He does, and here, Bond pulls out his Walther and asks who he is working for. After a bit of roughing up, Mr. Jones agrees to talk, but not before dying from a bite of his cyanide-cigarette.

Later, Bond meets with some old guy and discuss the Mr. Jones, who, although not idenfied, is not a Kingston man. Bond wants to meet with the last people who saw Strangways, the old fellas at the Queens Club, and plans to meet them socially there that evening. Bond investigates Stragways’ place and finds a photo of Strangways with a man. Some guy indicates the man is a friend of Strangways. Bond indicates this is the man who drove the car that tailed him.

At the Queen’s Club, Strangways’ buddies talk about him (and his foxy secretary, who Professor Dent says was “nice”). From his friends, he learns that Strangways was fishing about every day, an expensive venture since Quarrel, a Cayman Islander with a boat down in the harbor, charges so darn much to go out on the water. Bond goes to meet Quarrel but is confronted by sarcasm and wise-ass-ness when trying to get leads on Strangways. Bond follows the stand-offish Quarrel to a cantina, where he agrees they can talk in private. After some knife and gun drawings, Bond has Quarrel against the wall. The man with sunglasses arrives with gun in hand, but reveals himself to be Felix Leiter of the CIA, with whom Quarrel is working.

That evening, the three men sit in the cantina. Felix explains that Cape Canaveral is going apeshit because with their current rocket schedule, they don’t want anything to go wrong. Bond says that Strangways didn’t think the interference was coming from Kingston. Quarrel says that Strangways and him checked out all the areas and islands and found nothing, except for one, called Crab Key. Before Felix can explain why it’s dangerous to go there, the foxy lady from the airport snaps a picture of all of them. They apprehend her, but after refusing to talk, let her go (but not before exposing the film). The three get back to talking about Crab Key, which belongs to a Chinese fella named Doctor No who doesn’t allow anyone to land there. Quarrel says Stragnways and him went to go collect samples of rock, sand, and water and took them to Professor Dent.

The next day, Bond goes to see Dent at his office. There, Bond questions him about some rocks Strangways left for him for “examination.” Dent says that there was nothing special about the rocks, and thus, he had thrown them away. Dent tells Bond he doesn’t know the origin of the samples, and that it’s geologically impossible that they came from Crab Key. After Bond;s visit, Dent rushes off to Crab Key, where he is instructed by the PA-system voice of Doctor No to kill Bond and not fail me again. Dent leaves with a big-ass spider and plans to kill Bond that evening.

That night, Bond is side-tracked from trying to sleep by a massive tarantula crawling on his body. Not one to flinch at such things, Bond waits until it crawls onto his pillow, then kills the fucker with his shoe. The next morning, Bond visits the Kingston MI6 guy and asks for the folder on Doctor No. Ms. Taro, his assistant, tells them the Doctor No folder is completely gone. Before Bond leaves, he pays Ms. Taro a visit, catching her listening through keyhole. Through some flirts, he makes a date for her to show him around the island. A little later, Bond fucks with a Geiger counter at Quarrel’s boat. Here they learn that Stragnways’ samples were radioactive, even though Dent had told Bond it was useless iron ore. (Hmm…) Bond tells Quarrel he wants to get to Crab Key, but Quarrel says he’s a little frightened because there’s a dragon there. Bond is like “srsly?”, and after some talkin’, Quarrel agrees to take Bond there at seven in the evening.

On his way to Mrs. Taro’s, Bond is tailed by a sinister hearse, which ends in the hearse flying off a cliff and then blowing the hell up. He arrives at 2171 Magenta Drive and Ms. Taro is surprised to see him (alive). After kissing a couple times, Ms. Taro takes a call in her bedroom, a call dealing with how and Bond is still alive. Bond comes in the room, causing the call to end in a friendly lie, and the two mess around. Afterwards, Bond calls for a taxi to drive them into town. The taxi arrives and Ms. Taro gets in, only to see one of Bond’s allies in the car. The taxi takes off. With the dubious Ms. Taro gone, Bond enters the house and sets up the bed with pillows to make it look like he’s sleeping there (like Ferris Bueller) and silently waits.He doesn’t have to wait long until someone shoots six shots into the pillows. It’s Professor Dent, who, after some words, Bond shoots.

Bond, Quarrel, and Felix make it out to Crab Key, but only Bond and Quarrel reach the shore stash their dinghy in a hidden place. After that, Bond naps, but is soon woken up by lady singing. The curious Bond goes to check out who’s singing, only to find a hot blonde in a white bikini picking shells whose name is Honey Rider. She explains that she always sails up on here to get shells, and even though the baddies tried to catch her before, they couldn’t. Quarrel arrives and tells them a high-power boat is coming their way, so they all jump for cover in the palm trees.

The boat comes around, and after our heroes fail to surrender, the boat opens fire. After an unsuccessful round of ammo, the boat takes off, promising they’ll be back with their dogs. As the boat zooms away, Honey reinforces that there is a dragon on the island, which leads Bond to roll his eyes. Upon finding Honey’s boat damaged, the three travel through a mosquito-infested pond in hopes of hiding. While Quarrel keeps watch for the dragon, Bond and Honey talk, and Bond learns that she thinks Dr. No killed her father, a marine biologist who went to Crab Key to check shit out and never returned. Honey tried to get help from her landlord in Kingston, but instead of helping her, helped himself. Afterwards, she scratched his face and let her black widow spider do the job of killing him. Before Bond can answer if he has his own woman, Quarrel comes and says the dragon is a’comin. Bond finally sees the dragon, which turns out to be nothing but a painted tank with some flamethrowers on it. In the ensuing fight, Quarrel, who thought it a good idea to hide behind a damn bush, gets burnt to shit. A man then pops out of the dragon and advises Honey and Bond that, unless they “want another navel”, they should come with them.

Bond and Honey are brought to a lab where everyone is wearing hazmat suits and find out they are contaminated with radiation. After taking a shower to get all that radioactive crap off, they are welcomed into a big structure, offered cigarettes, and shown to their rooms. After drinking some drugged coffee and taking a nap, the two are invited to dinner. Judging from the plant life and artificial light through the aquarium-window, the room could be up to 200 feet below the sea level. Before they can chat more, Dr. No himself introduces himself.

Dr. No apologizes for not shaking hands, since he has nothing but black, metal, claw hands. Over dinner, Dr. No explains that he was an unwanted child of a German missionary and a Chinese woman, but through hard work, became a bigwig in the Chinese crime syndicates. He stole ten million dollars in gold and used it to create his Crab Key headquarters. Bond also learns that Dr. No is a part of SPECTRE, a massive criminal group led by the brightest (criminal) minds in the world. Dr. No regrets that he let Bond live, thinking that he might want to join SPECTRE, and seeing that he doesn’t, tells his men to “soften him up.”

Bond finds himself in a jail cell but quickly escapes through the vents, eventually making it to the decontamination room, where he hijacks a hazmat suit and starts walkin’ around. He enters in the main control room, where Dr. No and his fuckers are planning to disrupt an imminent space shuttle launch. Hazmat Bond is ordered to turn up the reactor to 25 during the countdown, but he turns it up way more and fights off anyone who tries to stop him. The base starts going apeshit and everyone abandons the area. Dr. No attacks Bond right above a radioactive pool. Dr. No eventually falls down, and grabs the scaffolding to save himself. His metal hands slide against the metal, however, and he falls in. With Dr. No dead, Bond tracks down Honey and finds her, both of them escaping the base before it explodes.

Felix Leiter soon finds them in their little boat and offers them a tow back to land. Bond agrees, but once him and Honey start making out, he lets the tow go, leaving Bond and Honey with nothing but their boat and the motion of the ocean.

Things I like:

I’ve explained before in this countdown that I usually like the biggie, more grandiose, semi-ridiculous Bonds the best. While the Bond series would range to super-ridiculous to super-serious, Dr. No can be appreciated for just how damn simple it is. Watching it for the first time after seeing all the other Bond movies, it was like watching a video of a singer before they were famous. Y’know, those videos online of Lady Gaga, sans make-up and costumes, simply playing piano in a nightclub somewhere. Before all the frills and gadgets, the women and the extravagant bases, and before any even knew what a Bond movie should be, we had this simple mystery movie. And despite there nothing exaggerated, one can see all the elements that would come along later to define Bond: the Bond girl, the Bond theme, the secret lairs, and the calm, master-mind super-villains. Dr. No is great fun to watch in both in terms of entertainment, but also in terms of context. It’s a movie that had no idea it would spawn twenty-one more. If you told Connery and crew when they were making the movie in 1962, that they’d be making the twenty-third Bond movie in fifty years, they’d call you fucking crazy. And that’s what so fun about Dr. No. They had no idea what they were starting.

I really have to commend the screenwriters here for an excellent script. Bond’s signature is the double entendre and the subtle wit, but it’s on display here in almost every conversation. Bond’s conversations with Ms. Trench are Ms. Taro are laden with sexual tension . Bond’s first meeting with Quarrel is full of witty remarks. Dr. No and Bond’s dinner is like a verbal fencing match. It’s all absolutely superb. And in commending the script, one must commend the actors for bringing it to life in such a convincing way.

Dr. No is great in context with other Bond movies, but also in everything else. The deaths are ridiculously tame. In the swamp, Bond creeps up on a guard who has a gun at the ready. Bond sneaks up behind him, putting his hand over the guards mouth, and the guard dies. Hilarious. Very different from the Rambo-esque takedowns of Brosnan and the strained stranglings of Craig. In addition to tame deaths, there is a scene in which Honey Rider explains why she can’t abandon her shells. She tells Bond that the one she is holding would be worth fifty dollars in Miami. Fifty dollars? Fifty dollars doesn’t get you shit nowadays. Her shell in Miami would now cost $366.72, just enough to buy two James Bond 50th anniversary Blu Ray releases. (With the remaining money, she could buy these albums).

And lastly, I really like this shot below. I know it looks kind of lame just as a picture, but with Bond being tailed, and the wind blowing his hat around, it’s a pretty badass shot. Maybe I’ll steal it someday if I ever get around to making a movie.

Things I didn’t like:

In being the first Bond film, I can forgive it not having some of those classic Bond elements. I guess my biggest complaint would have to be this stupid dragon everyone is talking about. At first I thought it kind of cool that there was a superstition about Crab Key, some fire-breathing dragon, roaming the jungles, setting fire to those who trespass. But when Quarrel finds what are obviously tire tracks, him and Honey believe they’re dragon tracks. Are they fucking stupid? Bond tells them that they didn’t see a dragon, but something that looked like one. And sure, maybe it REALLY did look like a dragon to them. And hey, maybe it might look like a dragon to us, too. But it looks like this:

I mean, maybe if it looked like Robosaurus, I could understand, but…I mean, look at it. Like, are you fucking serious? In addition to looking like that, it makes engine noises. I’m no expert on dragons, but I’m pretty sure they don’t sound like cars. And what’s dumb about this is that it makes both Quarrel and Honey look fucking stupid. Up until then, Honey had wielded her knife and told Bond she killed a man. Quarrel was a toughie who was working with the CIA. But now they’re just dumbasses who thought that was a real dragon. And if Quarrel wasn’t stupid enough now, he decides to shoot at it from behind a bush. Either Quarrel forgot that fire can BURN THROUGH BUSHES, or he’s the stupidest person in the Caribbean. Oh well, the movie is fifty years old, so whatever.

The Song:

Since the idea of the “Bond song” didn’t yet exist, Dr. No simply uses the James Bond theme we all know and love. There’s not much to say about it except that it rocks, and has continued to rock for fifty years and twenty-two movies. The Bond character and the song are so linked, that we can’t imagine Bond without it. Never Say Never Again, the unofficial Bond movie from 1983, wasn’t allowed to use it. As one person said “You’re watching a movie where the main character is James Bond, but it’s not a Bond movie without the song”, or something like that. Thank you Monty Norman for taking your song, originally written for some dumb play, and turning it into one of the best themes in movie history.

Favorite Scene:

While the scene where Honey Rider in her white bikini is definitely the most iconic scene from the film, my favorite has to be the the dinner scene between Bond, Honey, and Dr. No. After an hour and a half of hearing about Dr. No and his dealings, we finally get to meet him and his subtle, criminal genius. The writing here is excellent, with nearly everything said being a jab in disguise or a means to provoke. For example, when Dr. No enters the dinner chambers, he mentions his aquarium and how he designed it, making the glass convex and ten inches thick to create a magnifying effect. Bond then says “Minnows pretending to be whales. Just like you on this island,” to which Dr. No replies “It depends, Mr. Bond, on what side of the glass you are.” A couple minutes later, Bond asks quite blunt “Does the toppling of American missiles really compensate for having no hands?” Great, great stuff.

Favorite Line:

Even though the aforementioned dinner scene is my favorite scene, my favorite line comes from the famous Honey Rider intro. Upon meeting him, she asks “What are you doing here? Looking for shells?” to which he replies, “No, I’m just looking”. Genius.

Extra Tidbit:

Bond, played for the first time ever by Sean Connery, keeps telling his dumbass allies there is no such thing as dragons. He would later voice a dragon thirty-two years later in the 1995 movie Dragonheart.

Next one in the countdown coming…sometime!