James Bond Countdown: #19: Diamonds Are Forever

July 31, 2012August 21, 2012 C.P.Leave a comment

In preparation for November’s “Skyfall”, I’ll be counting down all the Bond movies from my least favorite to favorite. Twenty-two movies in all, so let’s get going! Note: Spoilers ahead!

Number on Countdown: 19

Title: Diamonds are Forever

Year: 1971

Synopsis: Bond is back, and on a relentless hunt of Ernst Stavro Blofeld, the man responsible for the tragedy in the last Bond picture, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Fueled by the pain and rage from the last movie, Bond finds Blofeld at a facility where Blofeld look-alikes are made through surgery. Bond fights some look-alikes, but eventually finds the real Blofeld and knocks him the hell out. Bond places him on a gurney and pushes into a bioling pool of goo. “Welcome to Hell, Blofeld” indeed.

Bond returns to London from his “holiday” and chats with M and some diamond expert. This expert explains that 80% of the world’s diamonds come from the South African industry, which prides itself on the loyalty of its workers. While they’ve always accepted some smuggling, it has skyrocketed in the past two years. Curiously, none of these smuggled diamonds have as of yet hit the market. Someone is either dumping or stockpiling them. It’s up to Bond to find out who.

Meanwhile, Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, a gay couple who have a knack for the pun (and assassinating), kill some diamond smugglers.

Bond travels to Amsterdam, posing as smuggler Peter Franks, and meets fellow smuggler Tiffany Case, who, in their first meeting, changes wigs multiple times and takes Bond’s fingerprints off his glass (luckily he had one some fake ones, courtesy of Q). While not wanting to mix pleasure with business, she suggests Bond save the cute remarks until he gets the diamonds, all 50, 000 karats, into Los Angeles (where they have to delivered). Later, during a call to Q, Bond finds out that the real Peter Franks has gotten away. Bond spies outside Tiffany’s building and waits until the real Peter Franks shows up. Bond poses as a foreigner, but once they’re inside the elevator, the jig is up and they fight. Bond ends up killing the real Franks and then switches wallets so that Tiffany thinks he’s killed James Bond. Not wanting to stick around, she suggests they get the diamonds out of there, and fast. They stash the diamonds in Franks’ coffin and fly to Los Angeles. Mr Wint. and Mr. Kidd follow aboard.

At the airport, Bond meets Felix Leiter, posing as airport security. Bond takes a ride with some shady hearse-drivers and they head to a funeral parlor. Mr. Slumber, who owns the place, puts the coffin in the crematorium and then brings Bond an urn full of diamonds. Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd are there as well, and quickly knock Bond out. Some old-ass guy then takes Bond’s diamonds. Mr Wint and Mr Kidd put Bond into a coffin and send him into the crematorium. Bond wakes up mid-burn, and just as things look bad for 007, the coffin door opens. That old-guy, considerably more pissed, had opened it, yelling at Bond (Franks) that the diamonds are phonies.

Later, while reading a magazine in the tub, Bond sees an ad featuring the old-ass guy from the funeral parlor, who gos by the name Shady Tree and is a comedian in Las Vegas. Bond visits his show at the Whyte House hotel and casino and looks for him after the show. Bond finds him dead (the doing Mr Kidd and Mr Wint).

Later, Bond plays craps. Attracted by his swagger, a ditsy babe named Plenty O’Toole joins him in the playing. After that, they go back to his place, but before they can get busy, thugs are revealed to have been hiding in the room. They throw Plenty out the window (landing in a pool) and then leave the place. Turns out Tiffany Case is there as well, laying on Bond’s bed. They sleep together and then make a plan to “run away together,” diamonds in tow.

She picks up the diamonds at Circus CIrcus, seemingly stuffed in a prize teddy bear. Tiffany is then followed, but escapes. Bond knows exactly where to find her, though, a summer house and waits for her. She’s not happy to see Franks (Bond) and asks why her black wig is in the pool. But it’s not her wig, it’s Plenty, who’s been tied down to some weights. Bond explains that the baddies are killing off people systematically, and that they killed Plenty thinking it was her. Feeling a little mad they tried to kill her, Tiffany decides to help Bond.

Photobucket — Bond and Tiffany on the. . .case!

The stuffed animal is picked up by the airport, and after following the teddy-bear-bearers, Tiffany identifies the person as Willard Whyte’s right-hand man. She also explains that Willard Whyte hasn’t been out from his Vegas penthouse for like five years. No one has seen or heard from him. Tiffany distracts the baddie while Bond gets in the back of his van, which leads him to a research facility.

It is here where Bond, pretending to be doctor Klaus Hugelschreimer, finds a model of a giant satellite and a whole bunch of diamonds. While snooping around the model-room, one of the scientists gets a call from Willard Whyte, and he states that “they have arrived” and there is “enough for completion.” Bond bones out, having seen all he has to see. Just then, the REAL Klaus Hugelschreimer arrives. Bond’s cover is blown, but he gets away in an un-cool bouncy moon buggy. He meets with Tiffany Case on the outside of the complex and take off in her red car. When they return to Las Vegas, the police chase them along the Strip. Ultimately, they get away.

Bond and Tiffany get a room in the Whyte House. After messing around, Bond stands on one of the exterior elevators and gets to the roof. Upon sneaking in, Bond is under surveillance and Willard White’s voice comes over the intercom, welcoming Bond but telling him to rid of his weapon. Bond is told to enter into Whyte’s Office, and does so, but doesn’t find Willard Whyte, but instead Blofeld (Aww fuuu-!) Not only one Blofeld, but two. One real and one surgically modified. Turns out, Blofeld is holding the real Willard Whyte prisoner somewhere and using a voicebox-emulator-thing to sound like him. Bond kills the fake Blofeld, but gets no further information before he is gassed. Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint take Bon’ds body and place it in a pipe to later be put in the ground.

Bond escapes the pipe and, using a one of Blofeld’s buddy’s voice with his own voice-changer machine, contacts Blofeld. During the phone call, Blofeld reveals that Whyte is being held in his summer house. Bond goes to the summer house, fighting off some gymnast-like henchwomen, but gets the upper hand. Bond and Felix Leiter find Willard Whyte and save him from his solitude. At the same time, in Vegas, Tiffany Case is captured by Blofeld in drag.

Bond and co. head back to the Whyte House, but none of them can find the model of the satellite nor the massive diamonds. Bond is like “I swear it was here!” and everyone is like “yea…” Turns out the satellite/laser was a model of a real one, fit with a bajillion diamonds, that has already gone to orbit and has started shooting submarines and shit.

With the help of Willard Whyte, Bond finds out Blofeld’s base is an oil rig off the coast of Baja California. Bond lands there conspicuously and is immediately captured by Blofeld’s goons. Tiffany Case is also here as well, held captive by Blofeld. Here, Blofeld reveals his master plan, but Bond (as he is known to do) messes shit up for him. After a rousing oil-rig battle fit, Bond and Tiffany get away. (Blofeld is only presumed dead).

Later, Bond and Tiffany are enjoying a nice evening on a ship when they are given room service by two of the ship’s staff. Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd try their best to assassinate Bond with a bomb hidden in a cake, but 007 is the best for a reason and thwarts their plan, sending both overboard in unique ways. Tiffany and Bond return to their nice evening, and looking to sky, she asks “How are we going to get those diamonds down again?” Silly girl!

Things I like:

Diamonds are Forever is definitely not my favorite Bond, but it does have some things that make it tremendously unique from other Bond movies.

First off, I have to say I thoroughly enjoy the sidekick killers, Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint. They’re both different and love to make puns. For example, after killing a man with a scorpion, they explain to his associate that he was sick, “bitten by the bug.” In another scene, the conveyor belt starts moving Bond’s coffin into the crematorium. It is here where they say “Very moving. . .”, “Heartwarming, Mr. Wint”, and “A glowing tribute, Mr. Kidd…”, before the coffin even enters in. It’s like they get bonus points for the kill if they make as many bad jokes as possible, and I love it.

Plenty O’Toole and Tiffany Case are pretty awesome Bond girls. Plenty O’ Toole (played by Lana Wood) is absolutely gorgeous and it’s sad to see such a bubbly character go out so quickly (sadface). Ms. Case is also pretty, but what I really love about her is her spitfire attitude. When her circus-booth victory is disputed by a young boy, she leaves and tells the boy “blow up your pants”. I don’t even know what the means, but it’s an awesome diss. In another scene, a man angrily honks his horn at her, to which she says “Keep leaning on that tooter Charlie and you’re gonna get a shot in the mouth.” Just the right attitude for a rogue-y, independent diamond smuggler. Amazing.

Things I didn’t like:

First off,the plot for Diamonds Are Forever is ridiculously and needlessly complicated. Not so much in terms of Blofeld’s plan, but in the diamonds’ journey. They’re with Tiffany, then in the coffin, then fakes, then with Shady Tree, then in a stuffed animal, and then and then and then. . . Why is it so complicated? And since we have no idea who is stealing the diamonds or hoarding them, we don’t really care. I mean, maybe I just don’t find diamond smuggling that interesting in the first place, so whatever.

(MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR ENTIRE BOND SERIES IN THIS PARAGRAPH. SKIP TO BE SPARED). Diamonds Are Forever is the Bond flick directly after On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, which ends with Bond’s new bride getting gunned down by Blofeld and his henchwoman. This would explain why Bond, in the beginning, is after Blofeld with such ferocity. Bond tracks down and kills Blofeld, but after that, he’s not even sad. Like, at all. It’s as if the whole entire marriage and subsequent loss never even took place. Even after Willard Whtye is exposed really be Blofeld, Bond doesn’t really seem to HATE him. Dude, he KILLED YOUR WIFE. And he did so in just the last movie! It was an amazing opportunity to have a pissed off, revenge-spurred Bond, but we got just the regular old Connery. Why does Bond not give a shit anymore? And why did, upon Bond asking if he can bring Moneypenny back anything from his trip, did she say “a diamond, with a ring on it.” I know she always had the hots for him, but come on, lady, he JUST LOST HIS WIFE.

Another thing that grinds my gears is Blofeld’s appearance. In You Only Live Twice, Blofeld is revealed to be bald with a scar on his face. In the next movie, we see him bald, with no scar, and no earlobes. (All right…) And then we get this guy. What? I could go along with this if it was explained he got plastic surgery to hide his identity, but…it isn’t, and, like, he doesn’t look the same in AT ALL. Why couldn’t they get this straight? I mean, his cat has more continuity than he did.

Also, the moon buggy chase scene through the Nevada desert has to be one of the stupidest chases in ANY movie, not just a Bond movie. Here it is below. I mean, look at how stupid it looks with it’s little bouncy arms. What the hell?

The Song:

Finally we have a good song on this countdown. Although the movie is kind of lame, boring, and ridiculously complex, there is no denying that Shirley Bassey, John Barry and Don Black captured some magic with this one. The opening melody is instantly recognizable, and while it might start off a little slow, the drums kick in, it’s a pretty groovy, brooding lick. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’ve always thought the singing in the song (especially during the verse) to be a little sinister and eerie, and I love it for that reason. Best song secretly about dicks ever.

Favorite Scene: There isn’t particularly one scene from Diamonds Are Forever that I really like, but rather, little tiny bits from numerous scenes. Let’s just go with any scene featuring the comedic Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd. Those guys are awesome.

Favorite Line: After Plenty removes her dress and kisses Bond, she excuses herself for a moment. Bond turns on the lights and sees thugs sitting in the room, guns pointed at him. This is when he says “Well, I’m afraid you’ve caught me with more than my hands up.” Excellent.

Extra Tidbit: After George Lazenby left the Bond role after On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, the producers had to find a new Bond. Their thoughts were to “Americanize” Bond for the next picture, and they had even signed American actor John Gavin for the role. When Sean Connery said he’d be back, Gavin gracefully left the role and his contract was paid in full. Makes you wonder what Diamonds Are Forever, and the Bond series, could have been like.

Find out which movie comes next in the countdown by clicking here!

James Bond Countdown: #20: Die Another Day

July 27, 2012March 31, 2013 C.P.Leave a comment

Number on Countdown: 20

Title: Die Another Day

Year: 2002

Synopsis: Agent 007 is back, and this time, we start off in North Korea. Bond, with the help of a couple other dudes, abducts a Mr. Van Bierk, who is on his way to trade conflict diamonds with Colonel Sun-Tan Moon, who is trading them for weapons. Bond arrives at the base, meeting Moon’s buddy, Zao, who takes a secret photo of him and sends it off to some secret person. Moon meets Bond (as Mr. Van Bierk) and they trade the diamonds for weapons. Zao receives a message back on the photo and is informed by some contact that Van Bierk is actually James Bond, a British assassin.

Zao notifies Moon, and Moon demonstrates his new tank buster on Bond’s helicopter, then saying “How do you expect to kill me now, Mr. Bond?” Bond is like “Ahh shiii, he knows who I am!” (exact dialogue, no doubt) In a jam, Bond triggers some C4, sending the whole base into array. Moon gets off on one of his hovercrafts, but Bond gives chase, and after a thrilling pursuit, Bond sends the Moon over a waterfall. Moon is dead, but Bond finds himself cornered by North Korean dudes led by General Moon, Colonel Moon’s father.

Fourteen months later, Bond is bearded and torture-fatigued. General Moon wants to know who his son’s Western ally was (which comes out of nowhere, kind of), but Bond doesn’t know who it is, stating it was the same person who betrayed him (which kind of comes out of nowhere, too). Bond is then traded for Zao, who had recently been captured by the good guys for blowing up Chinese stuff.

M comes to see Bond soon after and is not happy to see him, because trading Zao for him was too high a price. Bond’s 00-status is rescinded and he’s all bummed out. He wonders who Moon’s contact is, the person who betrayed him, and escapes from his holding cell, swimming off to a nearby city (Hong Kong) and gets a hotel room. Now that he’s shaved and has some clothes, he asked Mr. Chang of Chinese Intelligence to help him locate Zao.

Bond goes to Havana, Cuba, where Zao is rumored to be, and while smokin’ some cigars, Bond meets NSA Agent Giacinta Johnson, otherwise known as “Jinx”. They chat a bit and then get it on. Bond’s investigations lead him to a sketchy clinic that specializes in DNA therapy, the changing of one’s DNA to look completely different. Bond finds Zao in a hospital room, looking weirder that he did last time, for he’s halfway through the DNA therapy. Bond tries to ask him some questions, but Zao manages to escape, but not before leaving behind a necklace pendant full of diamonds. Diamonds with the symbol of Gustav Graves, a young British dude, on it.

Bond tracks down Graves at Blades Club, some high-class gentlemen’s club (a place I’d never gain admittance), and they get into an aggressive fencing match that ends with some bloody lips. After the fight, Bond meets with M, who trusts him again, and they discuss shit. Graves is some nobody who, in the past year or so, has found a huge diamond find in Iceland. Bond and her agree he should go investigate this young dude. He then goes to meet Q’s successor to get all his gagdets, including an invisible car known as “The Vanish”.

At Grave’s ice palace in Iceland, Bond sees Jinx. In a scene where Bond isn’t, we see the fucked-up Zao and Gustav Graves speaking Korean. The British Gustav Graves is really the North Korean Colonel Moon, who has completed the gene therapy process. (On snap. . .) In a big demonstration, Graves shows off his diamond-encrusted satellite, Icarus, which could be used to grow crops year-round end world hunger. Bond tries to do some investigating, but sets off an alarm. While casually leaving the scene, he is nabbed by fellow MI6 agent Miranda Frost and they sleep together.

Bond sneaks into Graves’ green-house ice palace the next day and finds Jinx has been caught by some baddies and is about to get her head chopped off by a laser. Bond frees her and soon figures out that Gustav Graves must be Colonel Moon. He soon confronts Graves and calls him out. Moon, seeing no reason to hide it anymore, confesses and says he based the “disgusting” Gustav Graves on Bond himself. Miranda comes over to help apprehend Moon, but she’s a biotch and points the gun at Bond instead. Turns out she was the one who betrayed him in Korea. (Aww daaang!)

Bond escapes in Graves’ super-fast car thing, but Graves has Icarus send down a sun-beam from space to destroy it. After a chase and shit, Graves believes he has killed Bond and leaves his ice palace. Bond arrives at ice palace, tryin’ to find Jinx and gets in his invisible car. He is soon discovered and Zao chases him in his green-ass car. Graves starts melting his ice palace with Icarus. Bond rushes into the palace with the Vanish and saves her, but Zao is not so lucky to leave alive.

Bond and Jinx head to U.S. Command Bunker in the DMZ and chat with M, Robinson, and this annoying American meathead. In order to stop Graves, Bond and Jinx follow him to a North Korean airbase to snipe him. He gets aboard a plane before they get off the shot, so they jump aboard right before it takes off.

On board, Graves/Moon confronts his father, revealing to him that he’s his post-DNA-therapy son. General Moon is disappointed that his son has changed himself and is a power-hungry mofo. Graves ends up killing his defiant father. Bond intervenes, shooting out a window of the plane, sending papers (and people) out the window. Jinx steadies the plane, but Miranda Frost is there to challenge her with sword. Jinx and Bond have their respective fights. In the end, Miranda and Graves meet their deserving ends. Icarus is disabled and the day is saved. Bond and Jinx escape the crashing plane and then do it in some hut by the ocean, because that’s what you do after saving the world.

Things I like:

Despite Die Another Day being far from my favorite, there are some things I don’t mind too much. For example, the pre-credits sequence is pretty darn awesome. Seriously, there isn’t anything in this scene that isn’t awesome. Like Colonel Moon giving hell to his punching bag, only for us to discover it had his anger therapist zipped up in it. Genius! Colonel Moon’s disdain for Western “hypocrisy”. Awesome. The gray, bleak colorization of everything. Moody! The hovercraft chase and fight. Really stunning stuff!

Additionally, Rosamund Pike is absolutely gorgeous as Gustav Graves’ right-hand woman.

Other than that, though. . .

Things I didn’t like:

When watching this movie again for the review, I couldn’t help but shake my head on average like every two minutes. This might be why so many consider Die Another Day to be Brosnan’s worst Bond film and shed light on why it was his last (I personally think he had one more in him). So what do I find the biggest problems of Die Another Day are?

Well, as with Moonraker, I feel like Day Another Day went too far in the direction of science fiction. The entire plot revolves around a presumed-dead Colonel changing his DNA to keep on being a bad guy. Sounds like something right out of a Phillip K. Dick short story. In the director commentary, director Lee Tamahori said: “I mean, it’s unbelievable. I remember looking at the script and going ‘you don’t really expect me to believe this, do you?'” While his reminiscence might have been endearing, we can’t deny that this is one of the most outlandish plots in the entire Bond series (and that’s saying a lot). Not to mention that Gustav Graves’ space-suit looks like something out of some crappy summer comic book movie.

Maybe it’s not all Halle Berry’s fault, but Jinx just rubs me the wrong way. I have nothing against Halle Berry, but in her role as a Bond-equal NSA agent, she just comes off as trying too hard. Bond’s cool because he IS cool, and I think if they ever succeed in making a Bond-girl equivalent, she would just BE cool as well. She wouldn’t do something awesome and then qausi-wink to the camera the way Jinx did, y’know what I mean? She would just have it and she would know it. And really, when Zao asks who sent her, she says “Yo mama”. . .really?

Also, Graves’ scientist henchman always annoyed me because he looks just like Prince Valium from Spaceballs. I mean…look at him.

Die Another Day might have strayed too far into science fiction, but it also strayed in terms of traditional filming. Bond movies are known for their amazing stunts which are all done for real. Stunt-men jumping out of airplanes, skiing off cliffs, flying boats over a street. . . it’s all so damn thrilling. But Die Another Day went the CGI route, and it, well, sucks. Not to mention that Die Another Day features some annoying quick camera sweeps and slow motion shots featured in then-popular films like XXX, The Fast and the Furious, and The Matrix.

One unfortunate thing about the film is that we don’t get to see much of Will Yun Lee’s performance of Colonel Moon, which is absolutely stellar in the opening sequence. Toby Stephens is good as Gustav Graves, I guess, but I really think Lee could have carried the whole film. Not really a complaint, but oh well.

The Song:

For the twentieth Bond adventure, the Bond producers chose Madonna for the title track. Makes sense. She’s MADONNA, after all. Sadly, from the woman who has given us so many hits, we get the single WORST Bond song of all time. Seriously, this is the absolute worst. Like, by far.

I understand that not all Bond songs can be a Shirely Bassey-type song to sing in a nightclub, and I commend Madonna for experimenting, but HOLY SHIT. The fact that her voice is altered seems to go against everything that all the previous divas had done before her (y’know…singing).

For the first time during the title sequence, we continue with the story of Bond, seeing him tortured by the Koreans. And what song goes better with torture than a shitty dance track? I mean seriously, does this fit the tone of the story AT ALL? Daniel Kleinman, the titles director for Die Another Day had this to say: “The images and the music were quite difficult to reconcile, in my mind. So if I had a decision about what music track would have gone with a sequence of Bond being tortured, I probably wouldn’t have chosen that particular song.” Duh!

Worst Bond song ever.

Favorite Scene:

Bond movies usually have so many great action scenes to choose from, but I’d have to say my favorite scene from Die Another Day is actually Bond’s briefing with John Cleese’s Q. The Q scenes are some of my favorite scenes in Bond movies, due to their witty, quick banter, entendres and subtext. I absolutely love them.

And since this movie came out with the 40th year anniversary of the Bond series, Q’s lab is fit with, as Bond says “all the old relics” (perhaps alluding to Q himself). In one room, we have props from Octopussy, From Russia with Love, Thunderball, and various other movies. Also, Q mentions that Bond’s new watch would be his twentieth, in reference to the fact this is the twentieth Bond movie. Love it. If only Bond would see about returning some of that equipment.

Here’s the scene, check it out if interested:

Favorite Line:

After showing Bond a handy device:

Bond: Y’know, you’re cleverer than you look.
Q: Hmm, still, better than looking cleverer than you are. Follow me, please.

Extra Tidbit: Lawrence Makoare, who plays the henchman Mr. Kil, is a Kiwi actor who starred in The Lord of the Rings trilogy, playing Lurtz, The Witch-King of Angmar, and Gothmog.

Continue the countdown with #19 by clicking HERE!

James Bond Countdown: #21: A View to a Kill

July 25, 2012March 31, 2013 C.P.1 Comment

Number in Countdown: 21

Title: A View to a Kill

Year: 1985

Synopsis: This time, Bond starts off in Siberia, on the hunt for the body of 003 and the microchip he stole from the Russians. The Russians, not eager to lose their microchip, track Bond down and try to kill him. Bond snowboards away (to a cover version of Beach Boys’ “California Girls”. . .) and meets up with his sexy co-agent. Then they escape in their super cool (not cool at all) iceberg-submarine.

In London, Q gives a mini-lecture about microchips and how the electro magnetic pulse (or EMP) from nuclear bombs can knock them out completely. As Bond explains, everything from the common toaster to the most sophisticated computer machines would be rendered useless (MI6 needs their toasters). Q explains that one of their private defense contractors has developed a microchip impervious to EMP. The Russian microchip 003 retrieved is identical to it. (Hmmm…) M notes that the research facility was bought by Zorin Industries, although have been no leads in the extensive security check of the company. Bond proposes to investigate Max Zorin, the man in charge, but everyone is scurred because he is a positive public figure. Bond doesn’t give a shit, but they keep their investigation on the DL anyway.

MI6 takes a field trip to the horse races, where Bond binoculars in on Max Zorin (with his trusty cane) and his assistant/henchwoman May Day. Zorin’s horse wins the race in a last-minute sprint. Sir Godfrey Tibbett, horse trainer and MI6 agent, notes that Zorin’s horse of inferior bloodline might have been drugged during the race, even though tests proved negative. Through Tibbet, Bond travels to Paris to meet some French detective. Over some soup at some Eiffel Tower cafe, the French guy tells Bond that Zorin is holding a horse sale at the end of the month. The French guy is killed by a staged performer masked and dressed all in black and Bond gives chase. The stage performer gets away, leaping off the Eiffel Tower and parachuting away to safety. Bond chases in a stolen car, but fails to apprehend the murderer.

Bond and Tibbett travel to Zorin’s estate for the horse sale. After being turned down hardcore by some woman, Bond and Tibbet sneak into Zorin’s lab, where they find out Zorin’s been implanting his horses with microchips full of steroids. When Zorin needs a win, he just presses a button on his cane, and the horses become Major League Baseball players. Zorin figures out these two rapscallions are agents and tries to kill them by sending a knocked-out Bond and a dead Tippet into a car and sinking it. Bond escapes because he’s Bond.

General Gogol of the KGB visits Zorin at his racetrack and tells him he had no authorization to kill 007 (they all think he’s dead). Zorin scoffs and shrugs it off, telling Gogol and KGB folk he’s not with them anymore. One of the KGB guys doesn’t like that, saying that they funded and trained him, and calls Zorin something like a physiological freak of nature (which we’ll get to later). These words get him tossed around by May Day. Later, Zorin holds a meeting in his big-ass blimp and reveals his plan to a bunch of shareholders: He’s gonna destroy Silicon Valley and gain a monopoly over the computer chip market. All right, cool…

Bond travels to San Francisco and learns from CIA agent Chuck Lee that in World War II, Nazi scientist Dr. Carl Mortner was experimenting with steroids on pregnant women in hopes of making super-intelligent babies. They succeeded in making smart offspring, but there was one side effect: they all grew up to be psychotic. Bond and Lee speculate Zorin might be one of these experimental kids because he’s “of the right age and definitely psychotic.”

Bond later investigates one of Zorin’s oil-rigs and notices that Zorin is pumping water into his pipelines, instead of out of it. Hmmm…Bond later sees the woman who turned him down at the party and finds out she is geologist Stacey Sutton. He finds out from her that Zorin is trying to buy her family’s oil pipeline (for 5 million smackeroos), but after being attacked by Zorin’s men, she rips up the check and joins Bond in his pursuit to bring Zorin down.

Bond and Stacey travel to City Hall to find out further locations of oil rigs run by Zorin, but the Nazi-baby finds them there, killing Stacey’s boss, and setting the whole place on fire. Bond narrowly escapes, rescuing Stacey from the inferno. Framed for both the murder and the arson, Bond and Stacey escape from SF police in a firetruck. When they’re chillin’ after their escape, they figure out that Zorin might be trying to blow up some shit under some lakes in the fault-heavy area and cause a cataclysmic series of earthquakes that would set all of Silicon Valley under water.

Stacey and Bond then go investigate Zorin’s mine, and there, find a bomb deep down that will disrupt the plates and get Zorin’s plan movin’. Zorin and May Day are there to cause Bond and Stacey some trouble, and while Bond fights May Day, Stacey gets to safety. Zorin gets away as well, leaving May Day behind. Ticked off, May Day changes allegiance and helps Bond get the bomb out of the mine, even though she has to sacrifice herself to do it. Zorin is like “May Day betrayed me wtf?” (Friends don’t like it when you abandon them in a mine that has a huge bomb in it, I guess).

Bond comes out of the mine and sees Stacey running toward him. She refuses to listen to him saying “Stacey, behind you!” like five times and stupidly gets swept up by Zorin’s blimp. Bond grabs the mooring line of the blimp just as it lifts off and takes a little arial trip over San Francisco. Zorin crashes Bond into the Golden Gate Bridge, but it fails to kill 007, who instead moors the blimp to it. Bond and Zorin fight on the famous bridge with fist and axe, but eventually, Zorin falls to his death into the bay below. Dr. Mortner, the evil Nazi guy, lights a stick of dynamite (to throw at Bond, I guess), but drops in in the cabin of the blimp. Bond unties the blimp to the bridge, and after floating away for a second, the dynamite goes off and the blimp blows the hell up.

After Zorin’s defeat, Gogol awards Bond with some medal, the first time it has ever been awarded to a non-Soviet. They are all happy, but sad because Bond has been missing since the blimp explosion. Q finds him and Stacey in the shower by spying on them with some little robot (the illegitimate child of an Electrolux and Rob the Robot). He reports 007 is alive and just “cleaning up a few details.” Britain’s toasters are safe.

Things I like:

In this department, A View to a Kill really doesn’t have that much to offer. While Moonraker had a TON of stupid stuff, it at least had great locations and foxy Bond girls. This time around, the only thing I really like was the fact that Zorin was some sort of freak baby. A lot of people and Bond fans hate this part of the movie, but I think it’s awesome. Pregnant women taking steroids, having genius but insane kids, and now one of them is trying to take over the computer chip market. It’s basically saying “don’t mess with nature or else you’re gonna get weird fuckers,” and I can always support a message that supports the not-messing-around-with of nature.

I can appreciate Christopher Walken’s performance as Max Zorin as well. He plays a nice, classic Bond villain.

Apart from that, there isn’t really much else.

Things I didn’t like:

A View to a Kill is never really high up on anyone’s “top Bond lists”, including this one. Not even Roger Moore, who played Bond in this entry, liked the movie.

First off, the entire movie is just BLAND. For locations we have Paris and San Francisco, two of the most beautiful cities in the world, and yet, neither are used to their full potential (or to any potential at all). There are so many pretty sights in San Francisco they didn’t use. Even Tommy Wiseau’s The Room had better vistas of SF than this, so that’s kind of disappointing.

The two Bond girls are both kind of boring. May Day is just some buff bodyguard type lady, and Stacey Sutton is some kind of airhead geologist that is just always asking for Bond’s help. And it’s not like an endearing kind of airhead (maybe that’s what made Zorin’s blimp float). I understand that not every Bond girl can be badass, but there seems to be absolutely no chemistry between Stacey and Bond, or May Day and Bond, or anyone and anyone. Everyone just kind of seems to be going through the motions and wondering when they can all go to lunch break.

I don’t think a big problem with this movie is Roger Moore, but you can see it in his performance that even he was a little over the whole thing. By this time, he was 57 and had done six previous Bond flicks. He stated later in interviews that it was, even for himself, hard to believe that he was this playboy super secret agent at such an old age. And if the actor playing Bond isn’t really into it, then no one else is, and the whole thing sucks. Again, I’m not blaming Roger, just saying. . . meh.

The Song:

As the story goes, a drunk John Taylor of Duran Duran saw Bond producer Albert R. Broccoli at a party and asked “Hey, when are you going to have someone decent do one of the songs?” This was apparently enough to get Duran Duran the gig of writing the next theme. The only problem was that Duran Duran wasn’t really a band anymore, wrought with arguments and hurt feelings. Although they all hated each other, they managed to scrounge up and record this shitty crap.

This song has middle-eighties written all over it (as will the next song in the series), and I think it suffers greatly. It might have been a hit back in the day, but nowadays, it just. . .sucks. The melody of the verse is all right, but absolutely cannot stand the chorus where they sing “Dance! Into the fire!” So shitty. I just don’t like it at all.

Favorite part: Uhh. . .nothing?

Favorite line: “Oh, the bubbles, they tickle my. . .Tchaikovsky!” Said by Pola Ivanova as a hot tub’s bubbles, and some Tchaikovsky music, come on simultaneously.

Extra tidbit: A View to a Kill spawned four children’s Choose-your-own-adventure-types books, one of them (Win, Place, or Die) written by R.L. Stine, who would later go on to write Goosebumps! Trippy! Such a good book, in fact, that someone wrote a metal song about it.

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James Bond Countdown: #22: Moonraker

July 25, 2012March 31, 2013 C.P.1 Comment

Number in Countdown: 22

Title: Moonraker

Year: 1979

Synopsis: The United States is delivering a Moonraker shuttle to England (for some reason) and it is hijacked mid-flight by some baddies.

After escaping an ordeal parachutes and Jaws, Bond returns to MI6 to learn the Moonraker shuttle has gone missing. His meeting with M leads him California, where Drax Industries, the company who constructed the Moonraker shuttle, is located. It is here where Bond meets with Hugo Drax, leader of the corporation, in his massive palace. In addition to Hugo, we are introduced to the super-babe Corinne Dufour, Drax’s personal pilot, Chang, Drax’s henchman, and Drax’s meat-hungry dogs. While on his tour of the facility, Bond also meets Dr. (Holly) Goodhead, an astronaut on loan from NASA.

From the get go, Drax hates Bond and tells Chang to “make sure some harm comes to him.” Chang nearly kills Bond in some sort of flight simulator, G-Force thing, but luckily, he survives. After his trip in the G-Force thing, Bond returns to his room and has some fun with Corinne Dufour, but not before learning that there was some secret shit going on at Drax Industries that has since been moved to an unknown location. With the help of a robed Corinne, he finds a safe and the secret documents within. He takes pictures of all the documents and puts them back. Little do they know that Chang was watching the entire time! Ahhh shiii-!

The next day, Bond leaves Drax Industries (but not before almost getting killed…again). Drax speaks with Corinne, and knowing of her betrayal, sends his asshole dogs to chase her down in the woods and eat her, I guess. *sadface*

Drax’s secret documents have led Bond to Venice, where he checks out some glass-makin’ place. Who should Bond find while sneakin’ around. . .but Holly Goodhead. They talk and flirt a bit and she leaves. Bond then goes for a nice Gondola ride, but is soon under attack by gunmen on a boat. Bond reaches the city and turns his Gondola into a car.

After driving the stupidest vehicle in the history of mankind, he arrives at some lab where some guys are making some vials of stuff. When they go out the room for a sec, Bond messes with their stuff, taking one of the vials. Before he can do much research, the scientist return. Unfortunately, they knock over one of the carelessly-placed-by-Bond-during-his-exit vials, breaking it open and releasing some sort of gas, causing them to suffocate and die (or something).

After leaving, Chang tries to kill him with a kendo stick, but Bond evades because he’s awesome. The fight eventually ends with Chang landing on and going through a piano. Just like anyone would do after throwing a guy though a piano, Bond sneaks into Dr. Goodhead’s hotel room. She is there to meet him, and this is where Bond figures out her true identity as a CIA agent. Then they get it on.

Drax immediately finds a replacement for Chang: None other than The Spy Who Loved Me’s Jaws, who follows Bond to Rio de Janiero but fails to kill him during a parade. Holly Goodhead finds Bond while he’s doing some investigating up Sugaloaf mountain and they decide to team up. Jaws tries to kill them on their way down a cable car, but they escape and Jaws car crashes. Jaws is then rescued by the busty new character Dolly and they fall in love at first sight. (whaaa?)

Bond learns from MI6 that vial’s toxin comes from some flower in the Amazon, so Bond goes there to look for Drax’s research facility. He is lured to a secret base by some babe and is almost killed by a big-ass snake. After killing the snake, Bond is pulled out of the water by Jaws and brought before Drax. As we learn, extended exposure to the flower’s pollen caused sterility, which wiped out the entire Amazon civilization. Drax has taken it a step further so that he can harness the seeds to cause death.

All of Drax’s Moonraker shuttles shoot into space, and Bond and Dr. Goodhead (who was captured) sneak aboard one of them. Now the movie goes into space to Drax’s massive space station. After a bunch of floating around and shit, everyone assembles for a speech given by Drax.

In classic Bondian style, Drax spouts off his entire plan, which is to release his death-virus to the world, killing everyone, and then later send a selected group of individuals back down to Earth as a master race to restart life on Earth. Bond, not much one to like the world threatened, fucks up the process. A shuttle full of good guys arrives and they dock on Drax’s station, which causes it (and outer space) to erupt into a laser shooting spree.

In the fighting, Bond sends Hugo Drax into the vacuum of space (hey, “he had to fly”). The ensuing battle leads to the destruction of station and the escape of Bond, Goodhead, a newly redeemed Jaws, and his girlfriend Dolly. Bond and Goodhead make short work of Drax’s death-virus shit heading toward Earth and destroy them. Then they get it on, zero gravity style. Cue disco theme song.

Things I like:

While watching Moonraker again for this little review, I couldn’t help but notice that Moonraker, structurally, is a sound Bond movie. It has a good, sophisticated villain, a mysterious evil plot, beautiful locations, great puns, suspenseful editing, and stunning women, and I can appreciate Moonraker on that level. And I meant beautiful locations. Look at this still from Rio de Janiero:

Drax’s plan isn’t all that bad. I like how he harnessed the pollen from a flower to instill death. There’s something, I don’t know, poetic about it, but maybe just because I like nature and stuff.

I really like Bond’s opening sequence, in which he gets pushed out of a plane without a parachute, Jaws falling after him. I mean, just check it out:

Another thing I like is the lighting of this forest. I mean, have you ever seen a dog mauling so romantic before?

Hugo Drax’s Amazon Forest base is also pretty cool:

Oh yea, and I like these space female costumes:

But as we all know, this is my least favorite Bond, so let’s find out why.

Things I don’t like:

For all the good things Moonraker has that could make it a classic, it has like five stupid things. The film starts out interesting enough, but then you get him driving a Gondola car to stupid music, bird doing a double-take and all. Yes, a BIRD doing a double-take. Like, what? The film finds its focus, but then will do something stupid again. Once you get the feeling Moonraker is getting back on the right track, it dashes your hopes (like, Jaws falling in love with Dolly) You forgive the movie, for a while.

Eventually the stupid outweighs the cool, and by the time they’re in space, you don’t care anymore, which is unfortunate, because by now you’re not even listening to Drax’s cool plan or enjoying the ensuing fight. Even Richard Maibaum, season Bond screenwriter (but did not write Moonraker) said “With Moonraker, we went too far in the outlandish. The audience did not believe any more and Roger spoofed too much.”

In addition to the ridiculousness, Bond is ALWAYS joking in this one. I mean, I know Roger Moore is the jokier Bond, but he jokes so much that he doesn’t even seem to be taking ANYTHING seriously, and if he’s not taking anything seriously, how are we expected to?

All this makes me wonder that if 1) you cut out all the REALLY stupid stuff and 2) if Drax’s base wasn’t in space, would Moonraker be better? And at that, a lot better? Even if we didn’t cut out all the stupid crap and Drax’s base was on Earth, would it be better? I just can’t stop thinking about the outer space bullshit.

It’s obvious that the Bond team wanted to cash in on the success of Star Wars (which was released two years earlier), especially since they told everyone the next movie was going to be For Your Eyes Only, which they made after this mess of a movie. In addition to trying too hard to fit the taste of the day, Jaws returned from the last film for absolutely no reason, and, since he was a role-model to children by now, turned into a good guy. Like…seriously?

The Song:

As far I understand it, Johnny Mathis (my mother’s all-time favorite singer, btw) was supposed to record the theme for “Moonraker,” but dropped out at last second because was like “this movie is not wonderful, wonderful” and probably wanted nothing to do with it. Scrambling for a new song, John Barry, Hal David, and Shirley Bassey teamed up for this turd. The song just seems to wander around for three minutes and then end. Where other Bond songs might have an intense finale with a long final note (or something), this one just. . .ends. . . Not even the funky disco version at the end credits could save it.

Another reason the song doesn’t work is that it’s a sadder song, which does fit with this being the spoofiest, silliest Bond movie ever. Not to mention it’s a total fart to have right after the thrilling skydiving scene I shared above. It’s definitely not the worst Bond theme (we’ll get to those later), but it still sucks.

Favorite scene: The best scene from this movie has to be the skydiving sequence. Overall, the movie is crapola, but we can’t deny this scene is an achievement in irresponsible film-making. Nowadays, this would all be done with CGI and bluescreen, and look fake as hell because of it. It took something like eighty-eight jumps to film the entire sequence, but the hard work paid off and they created one of the coolest scenes in the entire series.

Favorite line: Q’s classic quip, “I think he’s attempting re-entry, sir.”

Extra tidbit: During the Gondola scene, there is a man sitting at a table, looking incredulously at Bond, drinking wine. The same guy appeared previously in The Spy Who Loved Me and then later For Your Eyes Only, always witnessing a ludicrous Bond action, wondering if his wine was responsible.

Click for the next one in the countdown by clicking here!:

In anticipation for EnsiferuM’s new album, “Unsung Heroes”!

July 22, 2012August 7, 2012 C.P.Leave a comment

Hey everyone, what’s happening? Finnish viking/folk/epic/whatever metallers EnsiferuM are about ready to release their fifth full-length album, “Unsung Heroes”, on August 27, just a little more than a month away. In preparation for is probably going to be more than an hour of epic greatness, I’ve collected some stuff for us to get all excited!

First off, we have a leaked video, or something, of one of the new songs. A couple weeks before this video appeared, there were some crappy concert videos of EnsiferuM playing this new song. Even though the sound was awful, it didn’t prevent me from listening to it like ten times in a row, and looking for it again, which is when I found this video, which seems to be the studio version:

Sounds like classic EnsiferuM to me!

To catch some more new material, you’re gonna have to watch this little “behind the scenes” video for the filming of their new music video, “In My Sword I Trust”. Even though the song repeats the same forty or so seconds over and over, it’s nice to hear some new EnsiferuM. Here’s the video:

I’m guessing the video will be in the same style as their last music video for “From Afar” (which I actually thought was embarrassingly bad), but oh well. I’m still going to watch it like 5, 000 times.

On a side note, what happened to Sami?! Look at how skinny he is!

For those of you that don’t know what he looked like before, here is a picture of him.

And here is a picture of him now:

Like, whoa!

“Unsung Heroes” comes out August 27, 2012!

Casey Poma

Humor. Creativity. Media.

James Bond Countdown: #19: Diamonds Are Forever

James Bond Countdown: #20: Die Another Day

James Bond Countdown: #21: A View to a Kill

James Bond Countdown: #22: Moonraker

In anticipation for EnsiferuM’s new album, “Unsung Heroes”!

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